Monday, January 30, 2006

date night

Tonight is date night, and I'm ever-so-excited!

I love the anticipation of getting to spend time with a cute boy.

I met this boy a couple months ago. I LOVE Hispanic men, and there's this group of Hispanic guys I know who I always lust after. Well, this boy is friends with them and the night I met him we just couldn't stop staring at each other, and then he told me he's really into hands, and that he loved mine. Nice compliment.
Then two Fridays ago when I was completely blitzed on champagne we ended up making out at the bar, then he drove me home and we had a mad groping session right in front of my building (in front of god-knows-who – ugh, embarrassing).
Ahh – liquor and lack of self-restraint. Where would my love life be without it?

Because of the strep last week I had to cancel our date. Then when I was feeling all blue and depressed late on Saturday night I sent him a text saying that I was lonely and that he should come over. I didn't get a response from him until last night around 8:30 saying he could come over to ease my loneliness. But that was approximately 18 hours after I had originally sent the text.
So now I'm wondering whether culture/language could actually be a serious impediment in a relationship with him. I mean, I enjoy witty and biting banter and it's kind of hard to do that with someone who speaks English as a second language.
On the other hand, I quite enjoy English through a heavy Hispanic accent. It's so damn hot and sexy.

I feel a little bit like a bad, slutty kind of date because when we talked last week he said that he'd rather not go to a bar, but do something else like get coffee (?) or go to the theatre (??) and all I could think was "Huh?" I'm not saying I have to go out and get wasted on a date – I really think that's tacky and unnecessary - and I'm definitely against going to a gay bar on a first date, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a drink or two to ease the bit of awkwardness on a first date. Especially when you've already made out with the guy and felt his package through his jeans.

Is my interpretation of this situation totally off? I really don't go on many dates.

But hey - at the very least I get to kiss someone attractive tonight, and that makes me happy!

Sunday, January 29, 2006

this was supposed to be a quick Sunday post...

Hey ya'll. I've been a bit of a downer the past couple weeks, what with feeling like I was on the verge of death and not being able to sleep at night and all. Sorry about that. I'm a bit of a baby when it comes to being sick.
By Friday I'd about had it. I couldn't fall asleep until well after 3:00 a.m. and my alarm was set for 5:30 a.m. because I had a 7:00 interview. I thought I was going to have to kill myself.
Friday night I decided after not getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep a night for five nights in a row and having tried all the "logical" solutions that it was time to try the irresponsible way. So I went out on Friday night and drank like there was no tomorrow. I started with three beers at my house, then went to the bar and had four – yes four – tequila shots, a red-headed slut, and more Bud Lights than I can count. And then when my friends dropped me off at home at 2:00 a.m. I walked in my door, did another shot of tequila, cracked another beer, and smoked the hugest bowl ever. Then I sat down on my couch and watched a little Roseanne, then put in some porn, banged out a quick self-abuse session (cuz I always feel like taking a long nap after doing that) and FUCKING PASSED OUT!
And it was beautiful. I briefly opened my eyes and looked at the clock at about 7:30 a.m., but then immediately passed out again and didn't get out of bed until well after noon. Then after running a few errands I took a two-hour nap. So I think I may be at the point where I can be a functioning member of society again. Yay!
Strep throat and bronchitis and junk sucks.

Last night I went to a party at the house of a guy I briefly dated about three years ago. The romantic thing never really took off between us, but we were pretty good buds for quite a while there. We did have sex one Pride Weekend, but mainly because we were both blasted and giddy on gay pride. Anyway, he's got a great partner now and they live in this adorable house out in the goddamn fucking suburbs with beautiful shiny appliances and a big, huge T.V. and a grand piano and two teeny, tiny cutie dogs named Annie and Jellybean or some shit like that.
Yeah – I know, I felt like gagging at first too, but then I had about six glasses of wine and started to feel really happy for him. Which was soon followed by a feeling of sadness and sense of time lost on my part. When I got home I sat there on my couch and fretted over where the past three years have gone. It literally seems like I was fucking him, like, two seconds ago and now he's Mr. Domestic and I'm still as single and messed up as ever.
It's starting to feel like I'm going to be 40 any minute now and that's freaking scary.

I miss the complacency of my 20's and they only ended seven months ago! Christ.

However, on the bright side, I had the most excellent job interview on Friday (despite being Zombie Matt). I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much at this stage, but I would be doing marketing for another architecture firm, except making more money and getting to run the show. All the potential responsibility actually scares the shit out of me, but that's good. My work life needs a serious shot in the arm.

All right. I'm off to run some errands in the 100-m.p.h. Denver winds.
I'll make a serious effort to catch up on everyone's blogs this week, I swear!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

hate & love

Let's start with hate this week shall we, since the universe is apparently shitting on me right now.

Things I'm hating right now:

1. Seeing someone I had a hot, ravenous afternoon sex session with not even two years ago and having him act like he doesn't know me from Adam. PU-LEAZE!
As if you could forget this junk! Heh heh. WUFF!

2. An empty bank account. I will be surviving on Lipton Noodles and interiors vendors' free breakfast pastries for the next two weeks.

3. Fat Actress. I love, love, love Kirstie Alley and was SO excited to watch this show on DVD.
It sucked ass. And not in that good way.
Even being drunk and stoned couldn't help make it tolerable.
For shame K.A. For shame!

4. How big of a drama queen I turn into when I get drunk. Christ – I think I may have alienated my 21-year-old makeout crush on Saturday night just because he didn't come up to me immediately when he got to the bar to say hi. Calm down Matty….

5. The bird flu (a.k.a. a flu pandemic). I saw extensive stories on it on both Oprah and 360 yesterday and now I'm convinced we're all fucked. And the people at greatest risk for death are those 20-40-years-old. Yep. Your own immune system ends up killing you. Great.

6. And the biggest thing I'm hating: A mere four days after being diagnosed with bronchitis I was back at the doctor yesterday getting diagnosed with strep throat. I woke up in the middle of the night on Monday night/Tuesday morning and literally could not swallow (insert obvious joke here). My doctor is a little mystified as to how one comes down with strep throat while already on antibiotics for bronchitis, but what can I say? I'm an enigma.
And I kiss too many boys.
Ouchie – my throat hurts!
*quiet sobbing*
And I was supposed to have a date with one of my crushes last night but had to back out for obvious reasons. Not cool!

Things I'm loving right now:

1. Mary J. Blige's new song "Be Without You" – the Moto/Blanco edit. You can hear it on It's a much more upbeat and groovy version than what plays on MTV. Can this lady do no wrong?

2. Antibiotics. I'd be dead right now without them. Period.

3. Stacy Keibler (from Dancing with the Stars) – Is she not the most exquisite wrestler you've ever seen? I can't believe that smokin' hot babe is a wrestler! I'd have sex with her!

4. Orbit sweetmint gum. It's the shiz!

5. Boys, boys, boys!! Not to get all wacky spacey on ya'll, but my horoscope did say this was my year for love, and I'm currently in love with three guys. The question is whether any of them are in love with me. (ps – I realize I am using the term "love" loosely. Chill.)

6. Saturday brunch and mimosas and gossip with my best gal pal.

7. Champagne. I had about ten glasses on Friday night and thought I was the most intelligent, charming, witty guy EVER.

8. The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I was cry-laughing during the chest waxing scene.

9. Steve Carell. I'd do him in a heartbeat.

10. That the new guy in my office is gay. I had my suspicions, and they were confirmed on Friday night (no, not confirmed THAT way – we just had a drunken conversation at the Denver Art Museum benefit). I'm no longer the only gay in the village!

11. That I got to watch Days yesterday! Austin and Carrie are back? WTF?? And Bo and Hope's kid got killed? WTF??

Friday, January 20, 2006

people still say cool beans? and the cough that drove me crazy

One of my coworkers just said "cool beans" to me. Cool beans? Cool beans??
I wasn't aware that people still said that.

And - I have finally been diagnosed by a medical professional! I was up all night coughing, coughing, coughing – ugh. I finally had to prop myself up against the wall and then I finally managed to get a little sleep. First thing when I woke up this morning I made a doctors appointment. Turns out I have bronchitis. Whoopee. So that's what has been wreaking havoc on my life and lungs for over a week now.
Anyway, ya'll will be relieved to know I've had a nebulizer treatment and I'm now on antibiotics and an inhaler and prescription cough medicine.
And I'm leaving work early to get some goddamn sleep.
Have a good weekend chums!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

i'm going towards the bright light at the end of that long tunnel...

Good god my life has been dull the past four days.
Somebody, PLEASE tell me that you're doing something fun and exciting out there!! Let me live vicariously through you!
Seriously – I get up, drag my ass to work, do nothing of particular importance or interest, go home, try to do SOMETHING productive like cleaning a little or doing a little writing, I end up vegging in front of the TV, and then I go to bed. I can't even say I've enjoyed a good drunky stumble around the old apartment since I'm trying not to drink during the week in my bad-ass attempt to get in shape.
I did do kind of a half-assed workout on Tuesday night, but my lungs are so thrashed right now that I had to take it very easy. Does anyone else feel emasculated if all they do is walk on the treadmill? I felt like the big buff muscle guys were thinking, "Jesus, what a pussy!" But if I run I may collapse and die!
Now that I think about it, that may lead to a little mouth-to-mouth action from the big buff muscle guys, but oh my – a stroke is a big price to pay just for some first-base action.

I just wrote out a check to my parents for the car and bought my tickets for the Bahamas AND my rent needs to be paid next week so I am 99% broke. Staying home is my only option. NOW is the time that I need a boy to come over to entertain me.

Well, anyway, I already shelled out $$$ last week for the Denver Art Museum benefit tomorrow night. And that's cool because the drinks are free. And it's a dressed-up, classy affair so I'm sure there will be oodles of gay men there. And even if there aren't, by the end of the night I oughta' be fairly plastered off of free martinis and five days of sobriety so I can just get my ass dropped off at the gay bar and maybe find some trouble.

So I literally had one of the scariest nightmares of my life last night. It's really not worth describing, since everyone knows that listening to someone tell a dream story is one of the most excruciating experiences on earth that one can be subjected to - it really should be punishable by death. Plus, talking about a nightmare out loud always removes the razor-sharp edge of horror from the dream, and it always ends up sounding kind of silly and rambling.
But regardless, I was horrified beyond belief and probably mumbling and maybe even screaming a little in my sleep, and it just went on and on and on. And then I woke up in a cold sweat, and when I was finally able to pass out again I went right back into the same nightmare. And now all day I've had this scrunchy feeling leftover from it. One of my friends played a significant part in the dream, and I don't even want to talk to him right now!
I'm certifiable.

I just made the lamest online purchase of my life – vacuum cleaner bags! Hee hee.
I have this old little Dirt Devil pull-around that I use to get the cat hair off my couch and the fuzz bunnies from under my bed and in all the years I've been using it I've never been able to find replacement bags. Well, lo and behold, I found them online! $3.50 for three replacement bags!

Seriously - it's beyond sad that the highlights of my week have been buying vacuum cleaner bags and seeing Denver on American Idol and seeing Jack shirtless on Lost.

Someone, PLEASE tell me that you're out doing something thrilling with your life!

Monday, January 16, 2006

love & hate

Things I'm loving right now:

1. Lindsey Lohan's new video. I saw it for the first time last week, and even though I'm not a L.L. fanatic I have to admit that it's fantastic. The song is good, the visuals are arresting, and overall it's really touching and sad.

2. Golden Grahams with soy milk and a side of Pop-Tarts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They just started stocking Pop-Tarts at the little market by my apartment complex, and I couldn't be happier. For me, Pop-Tarts were always off limits as a kid. My mom always believed in oatmeal or healthy breakfast cereals. The one time I remember getting to have them as a kid was when my mom was in the hospital giving birth to my sister and I stayed with grandma. She bought me Pop-Tarts and I never forgot it.

3. Walking to work through big, fluffy snowflakes. So romantic and dreamy. Big, fluffy snowflakes that stop falling once I've gotten to work so that my "commute" home won't be messy are even better (hint, hint Mother Nature).

4. Campus Ladies on Oxygen. Hilarious. I love the slutty one.

5. The Republic of Tea's Pink Lemonade Green Tea. Drinking healthy junk has never tasted so good!

6. The fact that my parents went out and bought a brand new car on Saturday, and now their old car is mine!
I just have to fly home and drive it back!!
Matt will soon be mobile again!!!
Then it's the road-trip life for me. Does anyone want a visit from a witty, hard-drinking, ever-so-charming gay man sometime this spring/summer?

7. Making out with sweet, innocent, cute 21-year-olds. But then showing unheard-of restraint and stopping there.

8. Roseanne reruns (right hotbabe?). Did you know there was a different D.J. in the first episode?

9. A cozy, quiet Monday morning spent designing architecture/interiors posters in Illustrator for a client presentation. It's like working on fun little puzzles with shiny pictures! And bonus points apply due to the fact that I don't have to talk to anyone.

10. Coffee is the new black. Seriously. Everything I've read in the past couple weeks is telling me that a cup of coffee in the morning makes me brilliant. If you don't believe me, check out this week's Time. Yay – finally an addiction I can be proud of!

Things I'm hating right now:

1. That I have to work on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. So, so racist.
Still, I guess that gives me President's Day to look forward to….

2. The chest cold I've had since last Wednesday. I can't breathe and I can't work out. And god help me (and everyone around me) when I get started on one of those crazy, phlegmy coughing spasms….

3. Going to an acquaintance's birthday party, taking them an expensive bottle of wine, and then having to pay for all my drinks and ending up standing in the corner not knowing anyone or desiring to talk to anyone there, except for the bud I went with - who I can talk to anytime at a place with much cheaper drinks.
(And no - I didn't take back the bottle of wine when I walked out 15 minutes after arriving, although I seriously considered it.)

4. Cigarettes.

5. Walking through downtown Denver after a big Broncos win. Drunken, loud, obnoxious, belligerent, testosterone-overloaded breeders everywhere.

6. The fact that it's now January 16th and I still haven't gotten any news about my raise. Grrrrr. More $ = good times.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Congrats K-T! (the hot chick in black beside me) Posted by Picasa

notes from the weekend

I was watching Sex and the City on TBS Tuesday night, and couldn't help but think that it was a real coincidence that they were showing the "pearl necklace" episode. You know, the one where Charlotte finds out what the "other" pearl necklace is. Why? Because I got one this weekend! Argh! Ouchie-poo. Grrrrr!
There's a guy that I've had a crush on for about half a year now, but he's on-again/off-again dating one of G. and I's good friends. Well, in a drunken stupor he kissed me and propositioned me for a three-way last Friday night. But, being the stand-up guy that I am I realized that I couldn't get involved in that kind of situation, especially where a buddy is involved.
Well, actually, I only came to that realization after G. brought me back to my senses. I was all giddy and shit. My moral compass is sometimes a little out of whack.
So I made a move on his brother instead. Yes – gay brothers! So hot, right?
Three out of four boys in their family are fags!
But there were two distinct disadvantages to hooking up with this particular guy. First, he was drunk as a skunk. Which leads to the second disadvantage: When he's drunk he gets VERY rough and bitey. I woke up on Saturday with hickies and bite marks all over my neck, shoulders, back, and even stomach. I mean, I remember it being rough and nasty, but not THAT rough and nasty.
He was very apologetic about the whole situation in the morning so I really couldn't be too mad at him, but I've still had to walk around all week looking like I was attacked by a pack of wild monchichis.
Seriously – we had staff photos taken on Monday, and I'm currently downloading all of them and storing them away, and you can see all these nasty yellow bruises and purple bite marks in all my pictures. Good thing I have Photoshop! God. So embarrassing. And it hurt!

So…I know - nasty, but nothing can be done about it now.

The rest of the weekend:
Saturday I saw Brokeback Mountain. I really liked it. And not just because I got to see Jake G. naked. I thought it was a really sweet, beautifully filmed story. I didn't cry, but I got teary-eyed. Then I hit JR's late-night for a couple beers.

Sunday I went to Wahoo's for lunch, read at the Tattered Cover for a couple hours, then went to my firm's interior architect's graduation party at swimclub 32. I'd never been there before. It's very nice. And the booze and food were free. Which is even nicer.

Other random junk:
Yesterday I was at the gym, and right at the end of my workout my iPod froze. Like, I was skipping through songs and it got stuck on one and then just sat there – frozen. I couldn't get it to do anything. I couldn't even get it to power down. And I started freaking out because if I lose my iPod then I lose a little bit of Matt. Luckily, after it ran out of juice around 10:00 p.m. it shut down manually and after I recharged it, it seemed to be O.K. Has anyone ever had this bullshit happen to their iPod before? I've only been using the damn thing for about eight months! Shenanigans!

I feel as if my gay stock is rising, which makes me very happy. I've been making a concerted effort to work on my gay friendships, which as it turns out is much harder than I thought it would be, but as of right now I've been invited to three gay-boy parties and one gay-boy dinner party in the next few weeks. Nice. My 20s were all about sleeping with as many gay men as possible, and now I want my 30s to be about making good friends with as many as possible. Well, while still having a reasonable amount of sex, of course. *cough cough*

BR-AV-O Lost! Bravo.
I'm so glad Lost is back and it was friggin' good too! Um, Eko? Yum! Love those bad-boy-killers-turned-fake-priests with huge pecs! Charlie back on heroin? Yes please! Kate and Sawyer starting off with a shirtless haircut, and potentially bumping uglies very soon? Uh-huh. Yep.

Oh – and I finally heard from Tex! I ended up drunkenly texting him on New Year's Eve and he wrote back earlier in the week saying that he had been in the Caribbean for a couple of weeks. He's hopefully going to be back in Denver in the next month or so. Hee hee. Trust me – I'm keeping my expectations extremely realistic, but I'm so excited to see him!

Monday, January 09, 2006

HAPPY MONDAY Posted by Picasa

now THIS is the kind of task I can handle on monday a.m.

First thing when I sat down at my desk this morning our graphics intern asked me to draw a picture like I would have when I was a little kid. It's for our new elevator lobby display. Something to do with little kids or childhood creativity or something like that.
It made me wish I was in kindergarten again.
Draw a picture or two, learn how to make 8's, have a story read to me, eat some graham crackers and milk, and then get a killer nap around 10:00.

DAMN, being a grown-up sucks. I mean, I like the sex and getting to drink alcohol parts, but the rest isn't that cool.
All right, excuse me - I have to go write out a student loan payment check and then work FIVE DAYS IN A ROW.

Friday, January 06, 2006

this sounds PERFECT right about now (except for the early riser part)

Cancer: (22 June-23 July)

With a New Moon shining at the top of the New Year in your House of Health and Work, you already know that you’re being given a clean slate. Forget about how you did it in 2005, this year it’s all set to change. Maybe you’re about to become an early riser. Maybe you’ll take up the local jogging route, or stop eating meat. Perhaps you’ll actually clean once a week, or bathe once a day. Hey, I’m no Judge; I’m just reporting the facts!

You’re about to clean up in many ways. Detox, abstain, shape up, toughen up, and tighten up your daily living and you’ll find it all runs smoother and you don’t hit so many bumps in 2006. Self-improvement is the name of the game.

Work doors swing open – and you begin to question if you’re doing what you want, where you want it.
Find a better way – and remember easy isn’t always better, but tough isn’t always the way it needs to be. The treasure lies now in the trying, pure and simple.

dancin'! and coffee bitch

Dancing with the Stars is back! Yeah!
I feel the need to elaborate: I'm not particularly interested in either ballroom dancing or C-list stars on their own, but somehow the combination of the two of them makes me as giddy as a schoolgirl.

I saw most of last night's episode. I did miss a couple of the dances. I didn't see Drew Lachey dance (although I did see Nick sitting in the audience – love you baby!! Stay strong!!) And I had to leave the room when Master P decided to dance like an awkward junior high boy with no self-esteem.
I love, love, love Lisa Rinna both because of her being Billie on Days and Taylor on Melrose Place but mainly for her gigantic lips. And her partner Louis is gorgeous and swishy and I would totally molest him.
I'm also rooting for Tatum O'Neal - for no reason in particular.
And if Jerry Rice gets some better fitting pants I'll be in his corner too.
I seriously just get SO NERVOUS for all the stars attempting to do these crazy dances. And when they do well I jump up and cheer and clap. I'm a total loser. I'm aware, I'm aware.

I'm all in a reality-TV fever baby! I've got my DWTS, Survivor will be back soon, and I'm even considering watching The Bachelor this go around only because the dude looks HOT. Of course, watching a bunch of chicks go after a guy that I'm crushing on can only lead to pathetic frustration. And I may watch American Idol this year, partially because they held auditions in Denver this time. I may see some little twat I know from the gay bar get shredded by Simon. Heh heh. It's the little things that make life worthwhile.
Does anybody know when The Amazing Race starts again?

And, hey! My dark mood has lifted! I'm not sure what did it. Maybe the fact that it's Friday? Or that it's almost 70 degrees in Denver today?

Oh – also, I noticed two things about the new Starbucks they just opened in the 1700 Broadway building.
One, there's a really cute guy working there. Totally my type.
Two, the first time I stopped by I recognized one of the women working there, but I couldn't figure out how I knew her.
Then all of a sudden I remembered. She's the fucking bitch who got me suspended from Starbucks almost four years ago. Now, those of you who knew me back then know that I needed to get out of that job and into the real world VERY badly and that I was in fact TRYING to get myself suspended, but that's not the point. The point is that she was some douche bag wench who was temporarily training to be an assistant manager in MY store, and if anyone should have noticed my innappropriate behavior it was my own store manager.
But no. This bitch actually went and told on me like a five-year-old would, and to this day if I saw her in the desert dying of thirst I wouldn't offer her a drink of water and I would let the vultures have their way with her (sorry, I was channeling Sue on Survivor there for a second). I would step on her neck and continue on my way to…wherever the hell I'd be going in the stupid desert.
So the first time I went there to get coffee the first thing I heard her say was something rude and demeaning to one of her coworkers. I know I should let it go, but I feel like saying something to her so badly. Nothing filthy, but something clever and biting and demeaning. Something about how she'll be steaming egg nog *gag* until she's well into her 70's while I get to work at an intellectually-stimulating, well-paying job where I get to sit my lazy ass in an ergonomically-designed Knoll chair and write pointless blog entries whenever I want.
I don't know. Something like that.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Things I'm thinking about: Old-school crabby-style

1. I'm gay but I hate the song "Relax." Seriously, I hear just a teeny-tiny little bit of the beginning and I get inexplicably pissed-off.

2. I don't understand how someone on the mall ride who's not homeless could have such violent morning breath. Violent morning breath at 7:45?? Keep your goddamn mouth closed for christ's sake! It smells like you ate shit and gasoline for breakfast!! I almost said something to this particular gentleman because I was literally starting to dry heave, but I hate confrontation, especially before I've had some caffeine.
(It's even worse because I'm always very careful to have good breath for people. And violent morning breath is closely followed in disgustingness by coffee breath. Bleh! God and science gave us the breath mint dammit and now it's up to us to use it!)

3. Ever since returning from my Xmas break I've been a crabby zombie every morning at work. I'm just so, SO crabby. If someone says "Good morning" to me I want to punch them in the neck. After having a grande drip for breakfast three days in a row I now have to admit that I'm officially back on coffee. I'm not proud of it…but whatever. Suck it.

4. The architect who works directly behind me is a constant tapper and be-bopper while he works. Even if he's not listening to music he's constantly tapping his fingers and palm on his desk. It's driving me crazy!
I feel as if it would be hypocritical for me to say anything to him, however, due to my own annoying whistling habit. I can't help it – my grandfather is a whistler, my dad is a whistler, and now so am I.
I'm sorry, but I happen to believe in annoying family traditions.

5. Why is it that when you're working in a Word document and you highlight one particular section of text to change the font or color or size or whatever it will suddenly change a bunch of other junk you didn't want to change and then you have to hit Ctrl-Z to change everything back??
Why can we put a man on the moon (supposedly) and I constantly have to use Ctrl-Z???

6. Why does our president think he can just say, "Because I said so" and we're all supposed to let him get away with whatever the fuck he wants to - like he's our parent and we're misbehaving grade-schoolers?
"I'm the president and I said so, so shut the fuck up and deal with it my minions."
Ugh – is it 2008 yet?

7. My coworker mentioned that he saw a TV news story about the connection between communal ice-makers (which my firm has) and e coli. I stopped him right there, but now I'm afraid I'm going to have to drink tepid water out of my Nalgene bottle for the rest of my working life. And I love icy cold water.

8. If I had left five minutes earlier I'd be at the gym right now. But since I didn’t, "The Man" grabbed me to prepare a last-minute presentation that needs to be done by noon tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

fa ra ra ra raaa

I'm back safe and sound in Denver after a wonderful, relaxing week in South Dakota. I left on Friday the 23rd. That day was absolutely, positively horrendous, but I don't have the time or the strength to get into ALL THAT right now, so I'll save it for a later post.
I can say that I barely made it to S.D. alive, and I needed a full 12 hours sleep before jumping into the festivities of Christmas Eve day, which for my family is much more important than boring ol' Christmas day (which has the Sunday feeling all over it).

To keep things as simple as possible, I'll list just the highlights/lowlights:

Noon: I emerge from the shower to hear Hailey screaming my name from the top of the basement steps. I rush upstairs as quickly as possible, which results in all the pictures and video of the Matty-Hailey reunion showing Uncle Matty in his underwear and a ratty ass t-shirt with crazy, frizzy, no-product hair. Ish.

12:30 pm: Hailey wants to see what I brought in my suitcases, so after safely hiding all the presents in the closet I let her dig through my clothes. She pulls out the fabulous new shirt I bought a few weeks ago at MetroBoom. I proudly hold it up for my mom and sis to see and the only comment my mom has is, "Isn't it a little effeminate?"

2:00 pm: My sis and I head to the mall to grab a few last minute presents. After telling us for weeks that she didn't need anything in particular at all, my mom decides at the 11th hour that what she'd really like is The Carpenters Xmas album on CD or some sort of fancy Xmas apron for cooking Xmas dinner. Sis and I check out every store in the mall, Target, K-Mart, and Menards before saying fuck it and giving up.

5:00 pm: I finally begin wrapping my gifts. I have 12 presents to wrap. My parents have approximately two available boxes in the house. I enlist the help of my uncle's girlfriend. She wraps ten of the presents while I get into the wine. Love her.

6:00 pm: My drunk uncle arrives with his family. He's already toasted and immediately pours himself a stiff whiskey Coke. He turns to me and tells me I'm getting too skinny. Love him.

7:00 pm: Dinner begins. We all enjoy my mom's delicious dinner. Well, everyone except for drunk uncle. He's on his fourth whiskey Coke.

7:10 pm: Drunk uncle makes a holocaust joke.

7:20 pm: Drunk uncle discusses his desire to run over his female neighbor with his three-wheeler, while showing us how he gave her a double-barrel salute the previous week – all in front of his extremely impressionable 14-year-old son.

Midnight – 1:00 am: My mom and I stay up after everyone else falls asleep and watch A Christmas Story and open 90% of our presents. We're separated-at-birth kind of people like that. Literally.
Ha ha - and ewww.

7:00 am: My alarm goes off bright and early. I am immediately stunned that I am getting up this early on my vacation to go to a goddamn catholic church service.

8:30 am: My dad and I arrive at the assisted living facility to pick up my grandpa for the service in the assisted living chapel. We are met at his door by my uncle, who had stopped by to see why my grandpa wasn't answering his phone. It turns out my grandpa can't get out of bed because of excruciating back pain. Merry Christmas.

9:30 am: Instead of getting to attend the nice, short, 20-minute old-person mass at the assisted living facility I now have to go to regular church. A full hour and a half. With enough stinky incense to bring down a 400-pound bear. *hack*
I spend the whole mass staring at the incredibly good-looking guy sitting three rows ahead of us. The filthy fantasies I was creating in my head must have had the pope spinning in his grave.

Noon: My sis makes her first full Xmas dinner at her new house. Everything tastes perfect. I provide the booze, including lots of champagne. We all find out that my sister doesn't like champagne. I start to suspect that either she or I has to have been adopted.

8:00 pm – Midnight: Hang with the 'rents and watch War of the Worlds and Mean Girls for the first time. My mom can't quite figure out why I would want to rent Mean Girls, but no matter – I still laugh uproariously, especially at the gay teen.

4:00 pm: Go to see the Family Stone with my mom. We both cry a little. I feel all warm and cozy about the family defending their deaf gay son. On the way out the theater my mom says, "I didn't understand why the mom and dad had to get so angry at SJP during the dinner scene."
Loved the movie though. It really made me feel the dysfunctional holiday spirit. Watching it every year will be a new Xmas tradition!

Noon: I go to see King Kong. It rocks, although my ass falls asleep and I require two bathroom breaks. The bug scene makes me curl up in my seat.

4:00: I visit my grandpa for the last time in the hospital before I'm scheduled to leave. They're preparing him to have an injection in his back to relieve the pain. He's seriously out of it from the morphine. We discuss my quitting smoking (as he's having a treatment for his smoke-damaged lungs) and my lack of a girlfriend or wife. He tells me it's OK that I'm still single – "Don't rush it! You've got plenty of time for all that!" he exclaims. No worries about that gramps.

5:00 pm: A fog thicker than pea soup moves into Aberdeen. My aunt, who's over having a couple beers, proclaims there's no way I'm going to be able to fly out of town the next morning. I begin to panic.

6:00 pm: While chasing Einstein, my parents' dog, through the dining room my big-ass size 13 feet cause my parents' 10th-wedding-anniversary plate to fall off the china hutch, as well as a rose from my grandma's final birthday. The plate shatters into a million pieces and the rose disintegrates the second it hits the floor. Since I've just finished taking down the Xmas tree and rearranging the entire family room my mom has a fairly calm reaction.
However, guilt causes me to be on the verge of tears for the next two hours.

9:00 pm – 11:00 pm: I smoke a little bud and wander over to my sister's place to watch a South Park marathon. I'm totally baked and almost have a seizure from laughing so hard watching the "Ginger Kids" and the "Colorado Gay Marriage" episodes. Then I go back to my parents' and eat half the food in the kitchen and blather on about complete nonsense. My mom asks me why I'm being so "goofy." I tell her it's the Xmas spirit.

8:00 am: I wake up and immediately look out the window. The fog has lifted! In another lucky twist, I fly out of Aberdeen at 11:00 am, and at 2:00 pm the airport is closed due to a big winter storm moving in.
By 3:00 pm I'm back in the sunshine of Denver.

And that's it! It was a very nice, low-key holiday.
I immediately jumped into a three-day bender when I got back to celebrate the start of 2006. And yes, I did make out with several different people just like I'd hoped.
Sorry I haven't posted on everyone's blogs for a while. I have been jumping in and out of them trying to catch up. And as soon as I recover from the long weekend's alcoholic stupor, hopefully I'll have something clever to say….

Oh, and p.s. - hotbabe, I love your Xmas card! I'm stealing that idea next year....