Friday, December 30, 2005

Uncle Matty the horsie. Posted by Picasa

Happy Holidays from Matt and Hailey! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, December 22, 2005

love & hate

Things I'm loving right now:

1. The weather in Denver – over 60 degrees yesterday!
(last week at this time it was approximately 2.5 degrees)

2. White wine.

3. The razzleberry crunch biscottis at Diedrich Coffee. They taste like berry Cap'n Crunch.

4. Shakira's new song and video – muy caliente! I love the disturbing, twitchy boyfriend at the end!

5. Eating packs and packs of strawberry Twizzlers to keep from smoking again.

6. My unbelievable restraint around lbs. and lbs. and lbs. of cookies, cakes, chocolates, and thousands of other assorted fatty goodies.

7. Anticipation of my upcoming seven days off of work.

8. The intense love it/hate it reaction of gay men to Brokeback Mountain. It's like "Confessions on a Dance Floor" all over again. I was hanging with a straight buddy on Tuesday night and he asked me, "So, are the gay boys all abuzz about Brokeback Mountain?" and I busted out laughing cuz that's the understatement of the year.
I've never heard it said that gay men lack strong opinions….

9. The second season of Arrested Development on DVD – I borrowed it from my friend and now I get to laugh hysterically every single day! And I'm loving that the show may be saved from cancellation!
"I'm a MONSTER!!!" – Buster Bluth

10. The fact that I get to see my sweetie niece in two days!

Things I'm hating right now:

1. The 10:00 p.m. WB airings of Sex and the City – I’m compelled to watch because I'm in love with the show and there's nothing else on at 10:00 p.m., but they've literally cut out at least half of every episode (and not just the naughty parts, but critical story narrative…).

2. How long a workday lasts during the week of xmas – arrrrggggh!

3. Updating an architecture firm's reference list when well over half the contacts for the people on the list have now left the firm and disappeared into the night, never to be heard from again.
Not that I can blame them for that.

4. Desperately trying to come up with something fun and sexy to do on NYE. I've been invited to a couple smaller, laid-back parties, but I'm not ready for that type of quiet NYE yet. I’m only 30 for christ's sake! I wanna get wasted and make out with strangers! Yippee!

5. The fact that I'll be burning four days of paid time off to sit on my butt in freezing S.D. with nothing to do, while I NEVER just take a day off here in Denver to be lazy and where there's a million things I could do.
Oh well. I guess I'll get to catch up on my Days and Y&R and Oprah and gain about ten pounds.

Hmmm…at least I'm loving more things than I hate this week. I'm a downright optimist by god!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

coming out and growing up

I met someone this weekend. Someone different than the kind of guys I usually meet and hook up with. He reminded me of someone I knew years ago.
I first saw him at the bar on Friday night and I felt very drawn to him – I kept throwing him little sly glances hoping he would notice and come over to talk to me. He was hanging out with some guy all night, but finally about 12:30 I noticed him standing by himself at a table. I walked up to the table and put my beer down. He looked over and smiled, and just as I was about to say something B. strolled up and started talking to me – distracting me. When I turned back around he had gone.

Saturday night was my firm xmas party at the Botanic Gardens. I went with our interior design intern and we made a dazzling couple. I bought a whole new outfit that day since everyone at work has seen all my dressy clothes way too many times already. I drank too much white wine and didn't eat enough dinner to cover the effects of the wine and then snuck out to smoke a joint out in the parking lot – so needless to say, I was definitely feeling the xmas spirit from head to toe. After the party she dropped me off at the bar, and within about an hour I spotted the guy again. My heart skipped a beat when I saw he had come back. He was a bit older, had salt and pepper hair, a long, lithe body, good style, and a shy smile. This time I approached him immediately. I can't remember what I said to get a conversation started, but two hours later we were still talking.
I found out he's in his mid-40's, from Texas, looking to buy a place up in the mountains, is recently divorced after over two decades of marriage, and has four kids in their teens to early 20's. And that he's righteous. I was just so immediately and strongly attracted to him. B. kept drunkenly coming up to us and making fun of his Texas accent, calling him Anderson Cooper (cuz he kinda, sorta looks like him) while I kept trying to steer our conversation towards us going someplace more private to get to know each other better.
His behavior was totally spot-on the behavior of someone who is first coming out. He seemed reluctant/nervous to get too intimate and was definitely trying to bolster his courage with A LOT of vodka red bulls. I sensed reluctance on his part to give me the majority of his attention at times, so I eventually wandered away to talk to friends. Then he'd find me and ask where I had gone. Then ten minutes later he'd be distracted again.
When he was leaving to go back to his hotel I indicated I'd like to leave with him, but he seemed uncomfortable with that. So he left without me, but a half hour later when my buddy was driving me home my cell rang and it was him. He asked me to come to his hotel room. So I did.
It was a very interesting and sometimes frustrating experience being with him. His body was amazing but he was very drunk and seemed inexperienced so we'd mess around, then sleep, then mess around a little more, then sleep. Then we woke up about 6:00 a.m. and had sex. At 8:30 he had to leave to drive up to the mountains so I called a cab to get home. Before I left we stood there in an embrace for a long time. I didn't want to let him go. I was worried that once I did we would never have the opportunity to be in that position again. I've had that feeling with a number of guys I've met and spent some time with, and I'm always right. And I couldn't help but think that he's so new to all this that a real relationship or even a small commitment are most likely out of the question for him, at least for a while.
But four days later I just can't stop thinking about him – which is actually quite rare for me – and my feelings are larger than just lust and crushing.
I'm worried about him being OK and dealing with all the gay bullshit. I'm worried about his relationship with his ex and his children. I'm worried about boys treating him badly, or him developing a habit of treating boys badly like I used to. I'm worried I'll never see him again or if I do everything will feel different.

But above all I'm worried that I'm getting a huge emotional karmic payback for another older man I once knew.

Around 2001-2002 I had finished grad school, but was still working at Starbucks. I wasn't really looking for a job – I was just wasting my days making coffee, getting drunk and stoned, and spending time with my friends. One night I met a man named Rick on a phone line. He was 48, I was 26. This was before I was really out to anybody except for one or two people, and my whole gay life was on the down low. He invited me to come over to his house late one freezing December night. When I got there I was surprised to see he lived in a beautiful home in a nice part of town but inside there were little to no furnishings. He had a couch, a bookshelf, and a Christmas tree in his living room and that was it. It turned out he had recently come out to his wife and they were getting a divorce. She had taken everything.
He was very new to the gay scene and we ended up having sex with so much crazy passion – more than I had ever felt with anyone else I had been with up to that time. I didn't know if it was because he was a bit older, or because he had been suppressing his feelings for so long, or maybe because we were just a perfect fit. He held me close and made me feel totally safe and secure.
We continued to see each other at night for about a month or two, but I would always leave after we were done. I remember going home for xmas and thinking about him almost constantly while I sat there with my family members, none of them having any clue about the longing I was feeling.
One night after xmas I spent the night. He was the first man I ever spent the entire night with. In the morning we had sex, I got dressed and drove home, and never called him again. He called me for a while, but he didn't know where I lived or worked so he couldn't track me down. Eventually he stopped calling and leaving hurt messages.
I always wonder what happened to him and if he's happy. I wonder if he hated me, or hates me still. I wonder if I saw him today if we could reconnect. I sometimes think about driving to his house again. Luckily, I don't have a car so I haven't even been tempted.

That was just the way I behaved with gay men for a long time. I'm not proud of it, but that's just honestly the way it was. I desperately craved their attention and their touch and their warmth, but as soon as I had it I felt the need to get away. To run away as fast as I could from the intensity and honesty of it.

I'm still not 100% ready for a long-term commitment, but I'm thrilled that I've come as far as I have. Just to be mature enough to treat every gay guy I encounter with respect. Even if they are a one-night stand.

I just hope it won't take too long for Tex to reach that point.
Or that maybe he'll be a better and stronger gay man than I've been right out of the gate….

Thursday, December 15, 2005



whole lotta nothing

It seems like every other blog I check out these days has a message saying "I haven't really been into posting lately, but hopefully will be back soon…."
I feel the same way.

As fascinating as my mundane life is I know nobody really wants to log onto my blog to read:
Today was fun. I woke up, fed my cat, and then took the mall ride to work where I updated project profiles for two hours. After that I edited our client reference list and spent the rest of the afternoon reconfiguring the airport qualifications package.
I had lunch from Quizno's. The Cabo Chicken without onions. I stopped at RiteAid on the way home and bought soap and razors and Tilex. When I got home I cleaned my shower and then I watched the finale of The Amazing Race. I also played computer solitaire. I won twice. Then I washed my face and brushed my teeth. Then I went to bed!

Bleh – that's my life lately. If it's not a Friday or Saturday night you'll probably find me being a big homebody loser. And nobody cares about that. Except Ernie. He's happy I'm spending more time at home.

But…here goes an attempt to put something – anything – interesting out there so ya'll know I'm still alive and kickin':

Yesterday I attempted to start my xmas shopping. I took off of work a couple of hours early and made my way up 16th St. Mall. Luckily, my list is fairly small. My mom, my dad, my sister, Hailey, my sister's boyfriend, and my grandpa. I've already purchased G.'s present online. And that's it. All other gifts for additional friends will be in the form of a shot.
So I started at Forever 21 to find something cute for my sister. My sister lives in our hometown in S.D. – which is extremely limited fashion-wise – and she also never buys clothes for herself, having a kid and all. I did end up finding something for her, but I have to admit my real reason for stopping by was to say hi to a cutie I know who works there. He's hot, sweet, stylish and…Hispanic. Yum! So we talked, flirted a bit, he invited me to go to The Wave last night. Um, yuck. Not a big fan.
Then I hit the Gap to try to find something for my dad, but hated everything. So I walked over to Virgin, but it was full of twats so I fled. Then I stopped by The Children's Place to get an outfit for Hailey but there were kids having temper-tantrums in there and I couldn't handle it. So I finally just gave up and went to MetroBoom and bought a new shirt for myself. Then I went to the gym. And that was my kick-off to xmas shopping!

I saw a new commercial for Fascinations stores – a chain of porno stores here in Denver – last night that I love, but I fear may confuse young children who view it. Mrs. Claus is lying in bed and Santa brings her a present of a tiny red thong that obviously won't even come close to fitting her, then they intersperse a shot of Santa holding up underwear in front of his crotch in the store, and it ends with the Clauses in bed about to get byz-zaay and Rudolph walks in on them, his red nose illuminates the dark room, and Santa yells, "Get out of here Rudolph!" So dirty.
I'd never thought about Santa with an erect penis before. Now I can't stop thinking about him as a magical, all-knowing, jolly, sexy bear!

So I'm going out with the gay guy in my building tonight. I couldn't avoid it any longer. I see him almost every day and it was just getting so uncomfortable.
I'm sure it will be fine and we'll end up being buds – I just really hope he doesn't think this is a date. I think I'm going to drop a couple false references about how I'm getting over a nasty bout of syphilis or crabs or something. Just to be safe. And then start scratching my crotch like crazy. Yeah – that's the ticket!

Friday, December 09, 2005


Yesterday my mall ride was amazing. I had no less than eight – EIGHT – really hot guys on the same bus as me, and I was ever-so-happy.
Today brought a reversal of fortune. Again, it was mostly men, but they all had moustaches and big guts and missing teeth and horrible, horrible clothes. And someone smelled like cheap cologne and B.O.
Oh well – I guess that's the crap shoot that is the mall ride.
However, for anyone who's wondering, the hot guys were riding around 7:45-7:50 a.m. and the dogs were riding around 8:20-8:25 a.m. FYI.

I camped out in front of the T.V. all night last night.
I watched Survivor and in a rare instance of actually caring what happens this season, I was screaming at the T.V. Cindy was given the choice of winning a car or letting the other four remaining players all win a car. To me, it seemed so obvious. I was like, "GIVE THEM THE CARS! GIVE THEM THE GODDAMN FUCKING CARS!!! AAAAAHHHHHH! THE CAAAAAAAAARS!"
And the stupid bitch didn't.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm selfish as can be. My own car was stolen over two years ago and I have been cursed with walking everywhere since. I would shit my pants and have a stroke if I ever won a car that gorgeous.
But this is Survivor you stupid bitch. You would have SO made it to the final three if you had played your cards right. But you're just a stupid bitch. See ya!
I want Danni to win. She's the shiz. And you could grate cheese on those abs.

Around 11:30 I decided to go to bed and have a little solo "Matt time," if you know what I mean. And I was just getting into it when the building's fire alarms went off. And they are extremely loud and disturbing. They actually have an alarm in every apartment that is so loud you would most likely suffer permanent hearing loss if you stood right next to it. So I jumped up, threw on clothes, and took a look into the hallway. Of course, like always when those piece of shit alarms go off, there was no real fire. The fucker went off for about another 20 minutes, and when it stopped I was wide awake and had completely lost my frisky self-abuse vibe. And just when I was slipping off to sleep again the fucker beeped twice. Then a half hour later it beeped four times. And THEN, around 2 a.m. it started going off AGAIN. I didn't even bother getting out of bed. I was praying for death by that point anyway. And I thought, "At least a fire will be warm, compared to the freezing temps outside."
Needless to say I survived, but I am a tired, cranky son of a bitch today.
I'm exhausted and I didn't even go out last night. Blimey!

All right. I'm off to lunch with G. at the Corner Bakery. I exhausted all my disposable income on a crazy Super Target shopping spree (and will have even less after lunch) so I'm going to see if I can get through the weekend with about $20.
I'm going to get cute guys to buy me alcoholic beverages. Yay! Matt hasn't had a drink since last weekend so I should be a cheap drunk.
That has got to be the first time the words "Matt," "cheap" and "drunk" have ever been used in the same sentence. Heh heh.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

chilly receptions

Winter is here. Boy oh boy.
Denver is experiencing frigid temps - the temps are actually below zero!
Yikes. Makes me feel like I'm back in good old Minnesota! My eyes were watering and my nose was running like crazy coming to work this morning.
I'm sure glad I don't have to hike all the way to work from Capital Hill this winter like I did last winter. Luckily I can now just hop on the mall ride after a three-block walk.

But besides the cold slap of the winter wind in my face this morning I had another chilly reception waiting for me outside my complex door. It was this guy who lives in my building who somehow found me on connexions a few weeks back.
The subject of his connexions message was "I knew it!" Meaning that he suspected I was gay. He wrote that since we're "family" we need to get together for dinner and a drink. I responded with a message that was somewhat vague, but not rude. He set up a definite date and time for us to hang out, which I begged out of. Then he said I should stop and chat with him and the other dog walkers in the park by my complex when I'm walking by. I tried to make a joke out of it, saying that I'm not cool enough to hang with the dog people. He said I was (which, of course, I AM, but I barely like being around one dog at a time, let alone a pack of ten of them for christ's sake). So a couple of fruitless connexions messages and a couple of weeks have gone by and he hasn't made any further efforts to make plans with me, but every time I see him outside with his dog I get a crusty, you're-a-disgrace-to-our-gay-family look.

I just have to wonder: Am I responsible to be friends with every gay guy that crosses my path? Because we're "family?" That seems like a lot of pressure. I mean, percentage-wise there are just as many gay freaks out there as straight freaks. And if I'm just not in the mood to be friends with a gay guy, does that make me come off as a complete snob? Like, you're not good enough for ME, so step off?
And, to be perfectly honest, I'd rather not have any friends in the building where I live. I've always been that way. I want my home to be a place where I can go to be alone and get away from the world. You know - not always having the possibility of having someone just stopping by. I hate that. I'll probably be one of those old men who sit on their porch with a loaded shotgun, daring you to step on their property.

So blah blah. Other than that stupid drama there's not too much going on. Last Thursday I committed a random act of holiday kindness and took part in WeCare, an industry event where design firms help Boys & Girls Club kids make presents for their loved ones for the holidays.
I was so busy taking pictures of everybody else this year I didn't get one taken of me. The pic below is of me and my lil' buddy at last year's event.
Even though I'm anti-pack of kids much like I'm anti-pack of dogs, I still get a warm and fuzzy feeling from helping these kids have a better holiday season. They're just so sweet and excited and appreciative.
Ahhh – cute little boogers.

I can't believe Christmas is in a little over two weeks! And I can't do any shopping until I get my bonus on the 15th. Then I fly to S.D. on the 23rd. I had a message from my sweetie niece Hailey on my work voicemail this morning with her telling me she loves me and she can't wait to see me at Christmas. And my sister sent me this e-mail a couple weeks back:
"She keeps asking if it's Christmas yet so Santa and Mattie can come. She has a picture of you sitting on her dresser, and she looks at it all the time. Then she says, "Is it Christmas yet?" Then sometimes we'll be going somewhere and she'll say, "No I want to go to MATTIE'S house!" So she misses ya!"
Isn't that the best? Who needs kids of your own when you have a niece? You get all the pluses - kisses and hugs and love and cute little tea parties - and none of the negatives like poop and snot and puke and temper-tantrums and a messy house!

This year's WeCare craft - memory books/scrapbooks for kids to put stickers/pictures/drawings/etc. in. Posted by Picasa

Me and my WeCare buddy. Posted by Picasa