Wednesday, January 04, 2006

fa ra ra ra raaa

I'm back safe and sound in Denver after a wonderful, relaxing week in South Dakota. I left on Friday the 23rd. That day was absolutely, positively horrendous, but I don't have the time or the strength to get into ALL THAT right now, so I'll save it for a later post.
I can say that I barely made it to S.D. alive, and I needed a full 12 hours sleep before jumping into the festivities of Christmas Eve day, which for my family is much more important than boring ol' Christmas day (which has the Sunday feeling all over it).

To keep things as simple as possible, I'll list just the highlights/lowlights:

Noon: I emerge from the shower to hear Hailey screaming my name from the top of the basement steps. I rush upstairs as quickly as possible, which results in all the pictures and video of the Matty-Hailey reunion showing Uncle Matty in his underwear and a ratty ass t-shirt with crazy, frizzy, no-product hair. Ish.

12:30 pm: Hailey wants to see what I brought in my suitcases, so after safely hiding all the presents in the closet I let her dig through my clothes. She pulls out the fabulous new shirt I bought a few weeks ago at MetroBoom. I proudly hold it up for my mom and sis to see and the only comment my mom has is, "Isn't it a little effeminate?"

2:00 pm: My sis and I head to the mall to grab a few last minute presents. After telling us for weeks that she didn't need anything in particular at all, my mom decides at the 11th hour that what she'd really like is The Carpenters Xmas album on CD or some sort of fancy Xmas apron for cooking Xmas dinner. Sis and I check out every store in the mall, Target, K-Mart, and Menards before saying fuck it and giving up.

5:00 pm: I finally begin wrapping my gifts. I have 12 presents to wrap. My parents have approximately two available boxes in the house. I enlist the help of my uncle's girlfriend. She wraps ten of the presents while I get into the wine. Love her.

6:00 pm: My drunk uncle arrives with his family. He's already toasted and immediately pours himself a stiff whiskey Coke. He turns to me and tells me I'm getting too skinny. Love him.

7:00 pm: Dinner begins. We all enjoy my mom's delicious dinner. Well, everyone except for drunk uncle. He's on his fourth whiskey Coke.

7:10 pm: Drunk uncle makes a holocaust joke.

7:20 pm: Drunk uncle discusses his desire to run over his female neighbor with his three-wheeler, while showing us how he gave her a double-barrel salute the previous week – all in front of his extremely impressionable 14-year-old son.

Midnight – 1:00 am: My mom and I stay up after everyone else falls asleep and watch A Christmas Story and open 90% of our presents. We're separated-at-birth kind of people like that. Literally.
Ha ha - and ewww.

7:00 am: My alarm goes off bright and early. I am immediately stunned that I am getting up this early on my vacation to go to a goddamn catholic church service.

8:30 am: My dad and I arrive at the assisted living facility to pick up my grandpa for the service in the assisted living chapel. We are met at his door by my uncle, who had stopped by to see why my grandpa wasn't answering his phone. It turns out my grandpa can't get out of bed because of excruciating back pain. Merry Christmas.

9:30 am: Instead of getting to attend the nice, short, 20-minute old-person mass at the assisted living facility I now have to go to regular church. A full hour and a half. With enough stinky incense to bring down a 400-pound bear. *hack*
I spend the whole mass staring at the incredibly good-looking guy sitting three rows ahead of us. The filthy fantasies I was creating in my head must have had the pope spinning in his grave.

Noon: My sis makes her first full Xmas dinner at her new house. Everything tastes perfect. I provide the booze, including lots of champagne. We all find out that my sister doesn't like champagne. I start to suspect that either she or I has to have been adopted.

8:00 pm – Midnight: Hang with the 'rents and watch War of the Worlds and Mean Girls for the first time. My mom can't quite figure out why I would want to rent Mean Girls, but no matter – I still laugh uproariously, especially at the gay teen.

4:00 pm: Go to see the Family Stone with my mom. We both cry a little. I feel all warm and cozy about the family defending their deaf gay son. On the way out the theater my mom says, "I didn't understand why the mom and dad had to get so angry at SJP during the dinner scene."
Loved the movie though. It really made me feel the dysfunctional holiday spirit. Watching it every year will be a new Xmas tradition!

Noon: I go to see King Kong. It rocks, although my ass falls asleep and I require two bathroom breaks. The bug scene makes me curl up in my seat.

4:00: I visit my grandpa for the last time in the hospital before I'm scheduled to leave. They're preparing him to have an injection in his back to relieve the pain. He's seriously out of it from the morphine. We discuss my quitting smoking (as he's having a treatment for his smoke-damaged lungs) and my lack of a girlfriend or wife. He tells me it's OK that I'm still single – "Don't rush it! You've got plenty of time for all that!" he exclaims. No worries about that gramps.

5:00 pm: A fog thicker than pea soup moves into Aberdeen. My aunt, who's over having a couple beers, proclaims there's no way I'm going to be able to fly out of town the next morning. I begin to panic.

6:00 pm: While chasing Einstein, my parents' dog, through the dining room my big-ass size 13 feet cause my parents' 10th-wedding-anniversary plate to fall off the china hutch, as well as a rose from my grandma's final birthday. The plate shatters into a million pieces and the rose disintegrates the second it hits the floor. Since I've just finished taking down the Xmas tree and rearranging the entire family room my mom has a fairly calm reaction.
However, guilt causes me to be on the verge of tears for the next two hours.

9:00 pm – 11:00 pm: I smoke a little bud and wander over to my sister's place to watch a South Park marathon. I'm totally baked and almost have a seizure from laughing so hard watching the "Ginger Kids" and the "Colorado Gay Marriage" episodes. Then I go back to my parents' and eat half the food in the kitchen and blather on about complete nonsense. My mom asks me why I'm being so "goofy." I tell her it's the Xmas spirit.

8:00 am: I wake up and immediately look out the window. The fog has lifted! In another lucky twist, I fly out of Aberdeen at 11:00 am, and at 2:00 pm the airport is closed due to a big winter storm moving in.
By 3:00 pm I'm back in the sunshine of Denver.

And that's it! It was a very nice, low-key holiday.
I immediately jumped into a three-day bender when I got back to celebrate the start of 2006. And yes, I did make out with several different people just like I'd hoped.
Sorry I haven't posted on everyone's blogs for a while. I have been jumping in and out of them trying to catch up. And as soon as I recover from the long weekend's alcoholic stupor, hopefully I'll have something clever to say….

Oh, and p.s. - hotbabe, I love your Xmas card! I'm stealing that idea next year....


Blogger Sven said...


Carpenters CD is the shiznit.

Jealous that you saw the Family Stone, cause I messed up and we ended up seeing Rumor Has It.

12:11 PM  
Blogger Matt S. said...

Holy crap, how can you even remember all that detail? You either have a way better memory than me, or you were not drunk enough!

Are from Aberdeen? That is my favorite song by Ari Hest, addicted to it in fact. He's not from S.D. so I'm not sure if he is singing about that Aberdeen or not?

Glad you are back to the blogoshere!

2:10 PM  
Blogger denverco said...

Carpenters rule!
You should still go see the Family Stone. Rumor has it that Rumor Has It sucked. Hahahaahaa heh heh...ugh. I'm sorry.

Matt S. - I honestly was approximating most of the times, but I barely drank at all except for Xmas Eve while I was home, so that MUST be the explanation.
I am from Aberdeen. Although I doubt it is Aberdeen, S.D. he is singing about. Maybe Aberdeen, Scotland? That's where my hometown got its name.

2:40 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I miss your comments
and loved this post.I laughed so hard...especially at drunk uncle.isin't that incence at mass the worst.We were bad,bad catholics and decided we were just to busy to make it to church.. besides that would have been a whole hour and a half that I would not have been able to shove fudge and almond covered cheese balls in my mouth... I just couldin't spare the time...

1:26 PM  
Blogger denverco said...

Stacy -
I can't believe you pigged out so much.
I'm so proud of you!!!
This kind of behavior from a girl who wouldn't even have ONE TASTE of Jen and I's dessert when I was in Minneapolis??
Xmas makes you crazy girl!

3:52 PM  
Blogger hot babe said...

Go right ahead & steal my xmas card idea. I'm so glad it was well recieved, especially since I created them the night before I left for NE.

I love that you & your mom opened alone & while everyone else was sleeping. At that very same moment, I'm pretty sure my mom & I were fighting while I wrapped presents & she tried to force me to watch Rosanne, which is the worst Sunday feeling sitcom ever made.

The xmas spirit? Do you think she really bought that?

6:25 PM  

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