Thursday, March 08, 2007

I hope you miss me too

I’ve been checked out when it comes to writing, or really using my brain at all, lately, but I was reading my good friend hotbabe’s blog and saw her “I hope you miss me” entry. I’m going to steal her idea and jot down brief life highlights:

1. I went to Vegas at the beginning of February. I love that fucking place. I won $60 at the slots, sat outside in the sunny 70-something degree weather, went dancing at a couple gay clubs, ate at the $30 buffet at the Tropicana, went to a Louie Anderson comedy show (don’t EVEN give me shit about that), got laid (and NO, not by a hooker), saw a guy get killed, and only slept about two hours in almost three days.

2. Yes, I really saw a guy get killed. Around 4:30 a.m. on Saturday morning me and two of my buds saw a guy get hit by a car at about 40 m.p.h. He flew right out of his shoes. His friend hysterically tried to perform CPR on him, but to no avail.

3. The moment I got back from Vegas I got sick as a dog. I’m talking “stay at home and silently sob for days” sick. I’d guess approximately 90% of my office got sick as a dog in February. I don’t know what kind of hellish virus that was, but it was goddamn brutal. HR finally assigned a can of Clorox wipes to every pod and we were instructed to wipe down everything. My pod got Fresh scent!

4. I am now happily rededicated to my job. Don’t ask me how it happened, because I don’t exactly know. It sure beats wanting to kill yourself every day from 8-5, though.

5. I’ve started to see someone new very recently, but I’m still keeping McNeighbor on speed dial.

6. I went to a Nuggets game on Tuesday night and fell in love with one of the players. Now I’m consumed with figuring out how I can get a job in the Nuggets locker room.

7. It’s a sad feeling to realize that when you’re 31 and a really hot 21-year-old likes you and keeps hitting on you, that you have to gently push him away and just not go there. Because you don’t want to be THAT guy. And yet…

8. This year I will be getting back roughly $70 in State and Federal taxes. Last year I got well over ten times that. Sometimes I hate being a single man. Very rarely…but sometimes.

9. I got a Sonicare toothbrush for Christmas and it rocks. I don’t know what I was thinking using a regular, Stone-Age toothbrush for so long. The only problem is I’ve walked into my bathroom and caught Ernie licking it three times in the past couple of weeks. Gross.

10. Spring is finally in the air – we’ve got temps in the 60s and 70s for at least the next week and there’s a time change this weekend.
Ahhhhhh – we survived, Denverites!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

my life

My life seems to be going pretty well right now.
Just in case you were wondering.
I had a major case of the blues from Sunday through yesterday, but I guess that's to be expected, what with my normal manic-depressiveness and Denver's never-ending, snow-filled winter. Seriously – I know winter is supposed to be cold and snowy and just a general pain in the ass, but this is getting goddamn fucking ridiculous. It snows every weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. Bitches.

I'd like to tell you all that I'm dating the art teacher, but I haven't actually seen him since New Year's Eve day. And I don't think that really constitutes the typical definition of dating. Plus, we've never spent quality time together outside of the bar or my bed. Hmmm - I guess in a way, that is my typical definition of dating.

Yesterday I left work a little early to go to the gym and clean my apartment, and after showering and having a couple of bowls of cereal I sat down on the couch with a glass of wine to enjoy a nice, cozy evening at home with Grey's Anatomy. But then I got a random text message from a guy I've met a couple of times. He's a friend of a friend. I had forgotten I gave him my number a few weeks back - he lives in my neighborhood and we once drunkenly agreed that we should get together sometime at our friendly neighborhood bar for a beer. So we met at 9:00 and had some beers (and some tequila for me) and I decided to invite him back to my place, since it was just across the street and all. He was being really cute and shy, which works really well for him because he's also quite manly and muscle-y and the combo is fierce. His forearms are BURLY. I was just eating it up. Oh – and get this: he works for some mysterious government agency and he had to keep all details about his job very vague or else he'd have to kill me. HOT! SO eating it up.
I couldn't help but jump his bones. And it was good. I mean really good. Like, I can't stop thinking about him today good. Like, it isn't bothering me at all that I only got a little over three hours sleep good. Like, I sound like a fucking Yoplait commercial and I really couldn't care less good.
Thinking back on our conversation I do seem to remember him saying he's a Republican. Whatev. Who gives a shit about politics when the sex is amazing and the forearms are burly?

Oh – here's a funny, yet painful, side story. When I was getting ready to go meet him I walked right into my bed frame. You know, right into that supporting part with the wheel? MOTHERFUCKER. I swear I broke my poor middle toe. I started jumping around and screaming and carrying on, but I didn't have time to dwell on it because I was running late. So after me and C. did our thing and right after he left I happened to look at my foot and my toes were all bloody. Isn't that disgusting? I'm deformed.
One time I slept with a guy who obviously hadn't cut his toenails in about seventeen years and while we were having sex he slashed my foot with his big toe – only I didn't realize what had happened at first and my foot bled all over his expensive sheets. And then he had the nerve to get pissy with me about it. Freaky-ass long-toenail boy!

Anyway, work is absolutely crazy right now. Actually, it's been this way for months. It seems like I've always got at least ten to twenty projects swirling around. Coordinating everything has become such a bitch. Especially on sleepy days like today.
Hey – I guess the economy, at least in Denver, must really be improving. It has to be if everyone is building and remodeling.

I got the freakiest call from my mom last Friday. She had that bad news tone in her voice (god I hate that tone), and she told me that poor little Hailey had pneumonia in both lungs and she was most likely going to have to be flown to Sioux Falls. I totally fucking panicked and couldn't bring myself to work or sleep or socialize in any way and kept calling my sister over and over and over. I just can't handle worrying like that. There's no way I can ever, EVER have a kid. Uh-uh. No way. Not if I want to stay sane.
Everything turned out OK, though. By Saturday she was already doing much better on antibiotics and nebulizer treatments and didn't have to fly out after all. Thank god. I love that kid so much. She's such a little trooper.

In just a little over a week I'm going to Vegas! Me and six of my closest gay buds. I've never been to Vegas before.
Gee - I sure hope there aren't going to be any negative influences or ways to get into trouble there...
Maybe I can find a chick who wants to get married! Quickie Vegas marriage – yeah! My mother would be so happy…

Friday, December 29, 2006

when r u going to stick it?

There is a certain someone I've mentioned before in this blog. I obviously don't want to write his name, since I don't even put the names of my dearest friends on here, so let's just call him…Satan.

The first couple of years I lived in Denver were not exactly the easiest years for me. I was in a strange new city with very few close friends, I was just about as poor as I could be and still be alive, my life and all my free time were consumed with graduate school and teaching and working as a coffee monkey, and for the first two years I lived in shitholes.
I could never do that again.
But at the time I didn't really know how challenging my life was. I was just coming out and it was exciting. Every time I went to a gay bar or talked to one of my two gay friends about things I was going through I felt like I was embarking on a new and exciting adventure. Embarking on my life.
But I was also terribly naïve. I didn’t comprehend how evil some gay boys can be. Evil just for the sake of being evil.

I met Satan one night at Charlie's my third year in Denver. It was at the point in my life where I was comfortable going to gay bars to hook up, but it was rare that I would actually know anybody or talk to anybody. He hit on me and we went over to the Wrangler and were making out within about ten seconds. I went back to his place, and we had the most amazing physical chemistry. He was one of the best looking and sexy guys I had ever hooked up with.

In the following months and years he proceeded to systematically treat me like a piece of dog shit. I was so stupid. Some nights he would talk to me, some nights he would ignore me, some nights he would insult me, some nights he would grab me by my package. He would tell me to meet him at his place after bar-close and then would just leave me sitting alone on his front steps chain-smoking Camel Light after Camel Light until I gave up and went home. He would dirty dance with me at the club, get me totally turned on, and then leave the club without telling me as soon as I went to the bathroom or to get another drink. He would ask me to meet him at the bar the day after we had hooked up and then show up holding hands with another guy.
I still have never figured out why he picked me to torture or why all the random cruelness was necessary, but once I had him out of my system I never looked back.
Well, not much.
Becoming friends with G. right around that same time helped a lot because she was the only other person other than me who understood how truly evil and black his soul was. And she would slap some fucking sense into me if my eyes so much as happened to meet his.

Of course I still see him out from time to time, but he gets no more than a head nod from me. I'm not going to scratch his eyes out or anything, but if anyone is looking for a late Christmas present for me that would be a lovely thought.
A couple weekends ago I met some buds at Broadway's for drinks and saw him there. I even stopped by his table and actually said "hi" to the son of a bitch. He asked me for my number. And instead of scratching his eyes out or throwing a drink in his face or doing something LOGICAL, I gave him my goddamn number. I am seriously so stupid it's not even funny.

Then he sent me a text message the night the first blizzard started:

Satan: Get over here
Me: *something about there being a major blizzard outside*
Satan: Im worth it trust
Me: *I have no idea*
Satan: Cause u know u want some booty
Me: *I have no idea*
Satan: K lets get together unless u have someone
Me: *I have no idea*
Satan: I have, ur scared lol i still love love u
Me: *something about not being able to get around in the blizzard*
Satan: Ur suv ? dont u live in Denver? U hot man

By that point I was in bed, asleep.

The messages I sent him are no longer in my cell phone, and I was totally drunk and stoned that night, so I can't remember exactly what my responses to his messages were.

And then just about an hour ago:
Satan: When r u going to stick it?

Does he seriously think he's being cute or clever or sexy?
When r u going to stick it???
Jesus. It sounds like a bad Prince song or something.

Years have passed since we slept together. I'm way better in bed, I'm way better looking, and I'm WAY more confident and aware of the rules.
And way more humble, obviously.

So I know – forget about it, right? I know he's not worth a moment of my time. And he's definitely not worth an entry on my blog.
But I am thinking about it. Fucking him one more time on my terms and then never speaking to him again. Or maybe fucking him and then saying something completely insulting to him. Or fucking him and then spreading a nasty, vicious rumor about him. Something – anything – to put a concrete end to that ridiculous chapter in my life.

Plus…he is fucking hot.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

i'm lonely and i stink

The blizzard has officially shut down most of Denver. I think there are about five people left in my office – everyone else has already left. This is truly a day not fit for man nor beast nor architect. The only people who choose to stay at work during a blizzard are those who are way too crazy busy to concern themselves with getting home alive, those who are so lame that a free afternoon means nothing to them so they might as well just stay at work and let the clock run down on their pathetic lives, or those like me who have only about 2.45 hours of Paid Time Off saved up and can't afford to leave early.

I had to reschedule my flight. There was no way I was getting out of here tomorrow morning. Luckily, United had one seat left on the flight to Aberdeen on Saturday morning, and they were also able to move my return date from Tuesday to Thursday. After I threw a little cash at the problem, that is. So all's well that ends well, I guess.

Except that I was standing in my shower for about two minutes this morning waiting for the hot water to come, and I waited…and waited…and waited – and then it got even colder. I screamed "FUCK" so loudly that Ernie ran and hid under the bed.
You see, I cannot begin a workday without a long, hot shower. Just don't fuck with my motherfucking shower motherfucker. So I stared at myself disbelievingly in the mirror for a minute or so, and then finally accepted that it just wasn't going to happen.

I really only have three major pet peeves in this world: hair in my food; no hot shower in the morning; and dumb but hot straight men who strut around as if they're god's gift.

It really sucks because my brain was prepared to check out for a week as of 5:00 today, and now I'm stuck here for the rest of the week. And what am I supposed to do tonight with a blizzard going on? I can't go have my xmas present exchange/dinner with G. I can't go grab a frosty brew at JR's with the boys. I can't even invite a super cute boy to brave the elements to spend some cozy cuddly time with me because I stink. Unless anyone out there happens to be into that…heh heh.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

this ain't got nothin' to do with jebus

I have nothing funny to write about. I have nothing bittersweet to write about. I have nothing heartbreaking to write about.
Man…I'm totally dry.
Scraping the bottom of the barrel.
There's got to be something interesting to say about my life…

OK – I'm going to try to focus and come up with a holiday post, even if it does turn out a bit random and pointless:

First up, my health: I bitch a lot when I'm sick, but that's because I'm a man and also a bit of a mama's boy. And, I also honestly have been sick since the beginning of October. First I had a huge, nasty cold, then the stomach flu, and then Thanksgiving week I caught another cold. Except this one didn't go away on its own. Finally last Friday I dragged myself to the doctor and was diagnosed with a sinus infection. I've never had a sinus infection before - at least not that I know of. So the doc hooked me up with Azithromycin and Duratuss and I’m feeling like a brand-new man. Snot-free! Yeah! Suck it sinus infection!

Xmas shopping: I was pretty much broke and down to my last couple of dollars until I received my bonus last Friday. As soon as it was in the old bank account I started spending as if there's no tomorrow. Saturday was supposed to be all about xmas shopping for my family, and by the end of the day I had spent about $80 on them and $400 on me. I'm telling you, though, I have got some sick new shoes and shirts and even some hot new porn. It just doesn't get much better than that.

Travel plans: I fly back to Aberdeen on Thursday morning. And of course the weather is supposed to turn to shit here tonight through Thursday afternoon, and there are also supposedly going to be ice storms in South Dakota.
I'm flying in one of those little La Bamba airplanes.
Pray for Mojo.

Boys: Halloween boy is long gone. He was way too earnest and silly and would too often respond to things I said with a resounding "YAY!"
I'm sorry, but I don't think so.
As of right now, honestly, my feelings are torn between two people. One is a guy I just met two weekends ago. We talked all Friday night at JR's, and then I took him home. I haven't seen him in person since then, but we talk on the phone a lot.
Pluses: He's an art teacher currently attending grad school.
Minuses: He's a POOR art teacher currently attending grad school who is temporarily living with his parents.
The other guy is a really good friend who I can't seem to completely resolve my feelings for. Every month that goes by I seem to feel more confused.
I mean, he's my friend.
But we did hook up twice earlier this year.
But he's my FRIEND.
I invited him to go to the Colorado Symphony with me and he invited me to go to an Avalanche game with him. I introduced him to all my friends and he introduced me to all his friends.
I don't know – I think if we're going to stay tight as friends we need to stay away from any and all sexual situations from now on. Even though the guy gives head like gangbusters.
And, after all, I need good friends way more than I need pissy, lame ex-boyfriends.

T.V.: Right now I'm into Season Two of Gilmore Girls and Season One of Grey's Anatomy. They're both so goddamn cozy I can't stand it.

Social activities: Busy, busy, busy. 'Tis the season. I've been to a lot of holiday parties and such. Last weekend I had two on Saturday night. Tonight I'm having sushi with my three best gay buds – one of which I mentioned above. Tomorrow night I'm having dinner and exchanging presents with G.
I always feel like I've got to get as much socializing and partying done as possible before heading to S.D.
As if there is a vacuum of fun there. Which isn't true. It's just a different type of fun. Sober, wholesome family fun.


Thursday, November 30, 2006

fun with silly e-mails

(i.e. I should be busy working, but L. is WAY more entertaining than writing architectural case studies)
(i.i.e. the extraordinary healing power of my e-mails)

The last e-mail I received today was at 11:12 a.m. I haven't received another e-mail since then. Interesting e-mails make life worth living. They break up the monotony that is my work life.

Please, please god – let me receive an e-mail soon.
Like now.
Or…right now.
Why has god abandoned me?

Let me revisit a recent e-mail exchange with L.:

Matt: Are you feeling better today? I hope it wasn't my cold you caught! Especially because I still feel like ass two weeks later...

L: i feel better, but not great. i don't think it's your nasty cold...feels more like a mild form of the flu. either way, i don't want to be sick!!!

guess what? that boy from *** (who we met at the art show) isn't you know what! i had my friend get the scoop and she said she thinks he actually has a thing for the blondie we were talking with for awhile. bummer, huh? so now i feel like he may have been flirting with me and not you when he was showing us his, um, his art piece of course.

it's difficult with both of us being so attractive because it's hard to tell who's being hit on by who. :)

Matt: DANG. I guess the old gaydar was off on that little cutie. Funny...I was pretty sure. Still, with those young ones you can never really be sure. Seems like kids will sleep with anything these days.

I've been thinking about that *** guy who used to work here that we met at the show. He wasn't my usual type, but I loved his dry sense of humor and his accent. And the fact that he despised *** when he worked here. I couldn't get a clear reading on him, though. He kept touching me when he would walk by, and then he asked for my card so he could e-mail me.

God, I'm so desperate and pathetic and hungry for love!

And it IS a very heavy burden that we have to carry. Everyone wishes they could be hot and charming and stylish, but they don't realize how much work it actually can be on a day-to-day basis...

L: touché my hot-a$$ friend.

and i think you should just email *** instead of waiting on him to touch you...i mean get in touch with you. say something like, 'it was great meeting you and i was serious about you letting me know if you ever are in need of some marketing expertise, or anything else for that matter.'

Matt: Good idea! I only got his bro's business card, though, not his. Still, I could probably look it up online. And then maybe we could have gay babies???

OMG - I totally forgot to tell you what happened this morning. I was meeting with *** and *** to prepare for the big masterplanning conference we're hosting next week, and I opened up my Lab Book to take some notes (the one I used at the marketing conference we went to).
And of course I opened it right up to the page where I had written Matt + C.J. inside a big heart, with that "Do you want to hump? Yes/No" thing at the bottom.
I know they both looked right at it because we were standing around one of those big white pod thingies, but they just sort of glanced at each other and neither said anything. Embarrassing!!!

L: cj's going to ruin your life and he doesn't even know about it! your emails are making me laugh, which is making me feel much better, so thanks.

Matt: OH NO! My love for C.J. is going to end up completely destroying me!!
Damn his tall, dark good looks and festive red polo shirt that shows off his burly forearms!!!

L: but let's not forget about his bad black frankenstein shoes and pleated khaki pants...or are we supposed to forget about those ugly little details so he lives forever in our minds as the hottie we needed him to be for us that day???

Matt: Ahhh - no!
I'd finally just gotten myself to forget about those damn pleats!
I HAVE to, dammit!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

sake-t to me baby

OK – I'm way, way too busy at work right now to be wasting time on a post, but I could use the therapeutic release.
(Heh heh – I sound REALLY important, right? OHH! Look at me – I'm Mr. Busy Marketing Guy! Out of my way suckas!)

Anyway, first I've got a few comments on miscellaneous mass media topics:

* I love, love, love Thirty Rock. It is ever-so-amazing and I would switch teams for Tina Fey. Well, I least want to be her best friend and have tickle-fights with her.

* I love, love, love Borat. I haven't ever laughed that hard at a movie. I want to naked-wrestle Borat!

* I went to see Running With Scissors which is one of my favorite books.
I almost puked in horror. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible and a total disservice to the book.
Read the book. Don't gaze directly at the movie.

* One of my absolute favorite people ever has died – Ed Bradley. Seriously – I've always dreamed about who I'd want to interview me if I would ever become famous and there are really only two people: Barbara Walters or Ed Bradley. And now Mr. Bradley is gone. And Barbara ain't no spring chicken so I better hurry up and become famous or else it's stupid Diane Sawyer for me.

Work has been absolutely crazy for the past few weeks. Three major proposals were handed off to me last Thursday, and of course I promptly woke up with a virulent stomach flu on Friday morning.
Of course, being the stud that I am, I valiantly attempted to come into work anyway – "No…time…to…be…sick! Must…get….to………..WORK!" – but by 11:00 I realized I am just a normal man after all and dragged my sick ass back home. And I got sick as a dog. It was nas-tay. I was so sad and felt so sorry for myself. No one to take care of poor, dehydrated Matt, who couldn't even bear to take a sip of water. And there was nothing on T.V. at 7:00 except for "Mama's Family," which actually isn't that bad of a show. And Bubba is hot and his package is huge.

I came into work on Sunday to start catching up and it feels like I haven't left since, except for brief periods to get a few hours of sleep.
Then my mom called me crying on Monday. My mom has only called me crying three times: once when my grandma died; once when my grandpa died; and the first year I lived in Denver when she had to have my childhood dog put to sleep. Turns out my parents' dog is full of cancer and has stopped eating. He's only six and he's the best dog ever. Poor little Einstein.

So last night I had no choice but to go out to Sushi Sasa with L. and drink tons and tons of hot sake and big, huge Japanese beers. And I have to say – it snapped me out of my funk!
Well, at least until I got into work this morning and was attacked by a pack of Principals with a whole new round of work for me.