i'm back and i'm spanked

Why is it your first few days back in the office after one of the best vacations of your life will always completely destroy the peacefulness and joyfulness and happiness the vacation itself inspired?

I'm still at the office and it's after 7:00 and I'm still waiting for edits from one of my principals. If I miss The Sopranos at 8:00 I'm going to be really pissed.

But anyway, I'm back, and my vacation was SWEET and hopefully I'll have the time and the energy to write about it someday...

Me, my firm's model (and ex-intern) KT, and C. - one of my favorite gays EVER! 

Em and I are gorgeous!

Me and one of the models striking a pose. 

A little more casual.

Me and the ladies. Actually, it kind of looks like I'm stalking them. They were all like, "Gawd - what a loser. Why is he so sweaty??"

Me and T - I once gave her fetus a tequila shot! 

Field Day with some of my boys.

the past few days

I had two frustrating experiences with customer service yesterday that really made me wish I ran the world and could punish those who dare to anger me.
I really don't expect a lot when it comes to customer service. I don't expect a smile, I don't even particularly expect friendliness. After all, I worked at Starbucks for two years and it's a miracle no one ever ended up dead. I just want you to look me in the eye, I want to be the focus of your attention for the entire transaction, and I expect some sort of level of professionalism. Don't cuss, don't answer the phone or have a silly chit-chat with a coworker while you're helping me, and don't call me "dawg."

I went into the Sunglass Hut in the Pavilions over lunch to get some shades for my trip. There were two guys "working." Actually, in their defense, they weren't total slackers. They had made an attempt to dress somewhat nicely. But they were involved in some sort of private conversation about a female coworker that I could more than clearly overhear. I got the distinct impression that the female coworker was a hootchie. They ignored me and when I asked if I could see a pair of glasses they told me the case was open and I could help myself, then went back to their conversation.
Oh – and they did another thing I hate: when male customer service workers treat me like I’m a frat brother instead of someone who's paying their salary. I don't want to be called "dude" or "bro" and I don't want you to tell me how much pussy the particular item I'm buying is going to get me. (When I bought my suit the guy told me girls would be chasing me down the street when I wore it – ugh! Do straight guys actually appreciate that kind of cheesy banter?) And other than maybe a handshake don't ever touch me. Ever.

I went to Men's Wearhouse in Cherry Creek after work and the main guy at the counter was acting like he had bleeding hemorrhoids and his favorite pet had just died. A guy was paying for something and his two sons were with him. The guy was letting his son sign the electronic box, and the kid was just having a little trouble and the worker practically had a stroke.
"IF YOU CAN'T SIGN YOUR NAME JUST SIGN A SMILEY FACE OR SOMETHING! JUST SIGN ANYTHING! DO SOMETHING! GAWD!"
Poor kid.
I wasn't in the mood to put up with his drama queen routine. I simply wanted to return a pink dress shirt because it was way too big and balloony on me.
He didn't even look at me as he said, "And what do you need…?" Then of course he tried everything possible to get me to not take a refund for the shirt. THEN he answered TWO phone calls while he was waiting on me.
He just acted like waiting on me was the most disgusting, demeaning thing he'd ever had to do.

So as I was walking out the door - about five feet from where he stood - I audibly said, "ASSHOLE."
And then I got to the private parking lot and realized that I hadn't gotten a parking token. So I had to turn around and go back in.
Awkward.

But ANYWAY – on to other topics. Despite my crazy cold/flu/whatever the fuck I had last week, my excruciating neck/back/arm pain, a mountain of proposals and other miscellaneous marketing bullshit, and a list of about 1,000 chores/errands to get done before my vacation, I've managed to survive and come out on top. The next 24 hours are still going to be busy and I'm going to have to be crazy-productive, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that light has a warm, sunny beach and icy-cold drinks!

My weekend was fun and I was able to blow off some steam. I attended the IIDA Pret a Porter Fashion Show on Friday night after work. Design firms team with a vendor to create outrageous and gorgeous outfits, models work it on the runway, and everyone gets drunk. And I get to see some of my absolute favorite people in the industry. Of course, I had to look good too, so I bought a new shirt and new jeans and wore them with my new suit jacket.
I was hot – literally.
That was just too many layers for a packed event like that. I started sweating my ass off and had to lose the jacket.

Saturday night G. and I went shopping at Park Meadows and then to a going-away party at the Pourhouse Pub in LoDo. My shoulder had been screeching all day so I took a Vicodin. It made me feel MUCH better. Then I had a couple shots and a couple of beers. Eventually I was feeling no pain. Lovely.

Sunday afternoon I went to Field Day at Washington Park. Field Day is basically just an excuse for gay boys to get together and grill and drink insane amounts of beer and lie around on blankets and play volleyball and cruise the hot Wash Park joggers and such. I had a blast. It was like a warm-up to Pride Weekend, which is right around the corner!

I also shaved off the beard on Sunday night. Figured I'd be all clean and fresh for summer. But now I look like I'm about 12. It's weird how much of a difference facial hair can make in your appearance.

All right kids – I'm off to the Bahamas. Talk at ya'll when I get back!

eyes

I'm feeling much better today. I'm still not sure exactly what was going on with me yesterday. It totally felt like symptoms of the flu, except the feelings of nausea were very brief and I had intense pain in my neck and right shoulder. Almost like the flu mixed with a pulled muscle or something.
My neck and shoulder and arm are still really sore today, though. I could barely wash my hair or get my shirt on. If I want to lift something with my right arm I have to support my right arm with my left hand.
I need muscle relaxants!
*sniffle*
*sexy pout*

I went to the eye doctor this morning. After having months and months and months to prepare for my vacation, just yesterday I decided that I must have contacts. I mean, who wants to go to the Bahamas and wear nerdy glasses around the whole time? After all, people would most certainly point and yell, "NEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRD!"
So I got my eyes checked and my eye doc hooked me up with a one-month supply of one-day-wear contacts. My vision won't be 100% perfect, but at least I can lie around in sunglasses and be all hot and shit.

But while he was checking out my left eye he let out this delighted/excited kind of chuckle. Turns out I had an eyelash stuck in one of my tear ducts. He said it was all the way down in there – so far that there was only a teeny, tiny bit of the lash sticking out of the duct. Apparently he only sees one or two cases like this PER YEAR. And he found it quite strange that I wasn't bothered enough by it to seek medical attention.
???
Either I'm one of the roughest, toughest, down and dirtiest sons-of-bitches around or I am really out of it.
I mean, who doesn't notice something like that?

He pulled it out and showed it to me and it was HUGE (I'm still talking about the lash here pervs).
I feel so clean and free!
So free of unwanted, tear duct-blocking lashes!
Now I can just cry and cry with reckless abandon!
Which I feel like doing every time I turn my head or try to lift my arm. Ouchie!
*sniffle*
*sexy pout*

whine

I feel like shit today.
I need some free, unprofessional medical diagnoses.

I've had a headache on and off since Sunday afternoon. This is really strange for me because I rarely, if ever, get a headache.
The right side of my neck is super tight and sore and I've got twitching action going on there.
I feel slightly nauseous.
Things taste weird – like when I was brushing my tongue this morning or when I'm sipping on a Diet Pepsi. Everything tastes really funny.
And I feel really tired. I was tossing and turning last night.

So what the hell is going on?
Crazy mutant allergies?
Lyme disease?
A brain tumor?
Outlandish diva-like complaining?

The most talked-about casual Friday shirt in the office.
Good lord - you'd think it had a swastika on it or something.
This isn't my desk - it's the accountant's.
No one would ever send me yellow roses.
*sigh*

can I just bitch for a second?

I can't believe how much work I have to do. I have never been this busy or overwhelmed in the almost four years I've been here.
I literally can't get started on one project without being bombarded by two more while I'm trying to get my brain focused on the first.
I stayed home on Monday, Wednesday, AND Thursday nights this week (I did briefly go out on Tuesday – but only for about an hour) so I would be as sharp as possible for work. What the hell???
I don't even know who I am anymore.

I've got one major proposal on my plate that I have to have finished by the 22nd. That's the most important project.
But in addition to that, I'm putting together a telecommunications package, a tenant interiors package, a workplace package, converting our case studies to a new firmwide template, developing a powerpoint for a mixed-use development presentation, and drafting a new employee resume for a graphics submittal, among other things.
And on top of all that our office just got our firm's first Gold LEED-certification, so I have every other office calling for any project info they can get their hands on, and I have to have a press release ready to release nationwide ASAP.

I just got a call from my mom this morning - my grandpa had some sort of stroke last night and has sepsis or something – I don't even understand – and he's not doing well. We've known the inevitable was coming soon with him for a while now - but as selfish as this makes me sound…please don't let anything happen for the next couple weeks, god!
I honestly don't know who would do my work if I have to suddenly leave, and I'm supposed to travel to the Bahamas in less than two weeks. If I have to go to a funeral I don't even know what I'm going to do.
It makes me feel like just smoking a bowl and doing a couple shots of tequila and curling up in the fetal position in my bed.

I know – bitch, bitch, bitch. Poor Matt. But it makes me feel just a little better to complain about it and just get it all out there. Whatever happens, happens I guess.
I shouldn't even be wasting time writing this. But I just wanted to let everyone know where I've been and why I'll be MIA for a while longer.

Oh, and on a lighter note - I'm wearing my new super bright green Gap polo shirt today, and I've received commentary on it from every single person I've talked to. I didn't realize it would be such a talking point. I guess it IS kind of crazy bright, but I thought it was a perfect spring shirt.
Plus I never wear color so I'm trying to break out of my box a little.
I'll take a pic a little later and let you weigh in.

bleh

I don't know if it's the weather, or the fact that it's Friday afternoon, or that one of my friends e-mailed me at noon and told me she was taking off the rest of the day to go celebrate Drinko de Mayo at a downtown bar, or maybe because I drank a little too much (free!) tequila last night – but I am having a MAJOR problem getting shit done at work today.

Which is unfortunate because I've got so much to do. My supervisor is out of town for two weeks and I've got this gigantic proposal to get done by Monday afternoon, among other projects. I've got piles of subconsultant materials as far as the eye can see! And my supervisor is much, much better at organizing and coordinating these kinds of nasty messes.
I'm really just here to be the marketing eye candy.
I miss her so much and she just left this morning! Lord, give me strength…

So - I'm going to spend the rest of my afternoon writing up my firm's understanding of the goals and objectives of a potential project including, but not limited to, processes, schedules, cost estimating and MBE/WBE participation.
Hmmm…goals.
Go-als… *tapping finger on chin*
OK - first I have to figure out the project goals by attempting to decipher my notes from Tuesday's preproposal meeting, where I spent most of my time gawking at this outrageously good-looking, 40-something architect. RAWR.

I tell ya, at this point I'd seriously rather be forced to sit through multiple screenings of "RV" at gunpoint than work on this sucker.

It's the thought of the weekend that's keeping me alive.
One of my friends is having her annual Kentucky Derby party tomorrow, where I traditionally lose all my excess money by betting on some nag that ends up coming in last or second-to-last. I always just choose the gayest, foofiest name. That's my strategy. Of course, they're all pretty gay-sounding I guess.
And tomorrow morning I'm going to get tailored for my fantastic new suit. It's Oscar de la Renta and it makes me look really hot. Now I just need to be invited to a bunch of fancy parties so I can work it.
And last night at the bar I met this cutie who is here visiting from Minneapolis. He's adorable. Unfortunately he was going up to Wyoming today, but he'll be back on Sunday afternoon and we're going to hang out. Yeah! Love those Minneapolis boys…

go tv!

Over the past couple of months I had been getting a bit bored by even my favorite shows – I'm talking to you Sopranos. Tony in a stupid coma?? Ugh. – but now things are changin'!

T.V. round-up time! *whipping sound* (cuz I don't know how to type a whipping sound)

The Sopranos is motherfucking good again (the motherfucking is an ode to my hardcore Mafia side).
Poor Vito getting outed and running off to a quaint New England town where he first plays fight club and then just plain plays with the hot diner cook/volunteer fireman/motorcycle-riding, handlebar moustache-wearing hottie. I am afraid that he's toast when the mobsters finally track him down, though.
Christopher going to L.A. and getting back into drugs and then punching Lauren Bacall (!) in the face.
A.J. becoming a club/party guy and attempting to slice up Uncle Junior and then starting to have panic attacks.
Plus a bunch of people getting shot in the head, having the shit beat out of their face, getting their hands thrust into boiling hot pasta sauce, and so on.
Brilliant.

AND Survivor came roaring back last week too. This season had been pretty blah-blah and disgusting what with the lack of psycho killer monkeys and Bruce's plugged-up plumbing and all, but then uh-oh. Here comes scheming Cirie!
She's totally fierce and worked all those other sons-of-bitches over like the nasty hookers they are.
*WOW – nice potty mouth on me today.*
Loved it. Stupid hippie chick was gone in a flash and Shane's all, "WTF…?" Hee hee.
I could see Cirie and Terry going all the way. Although I unintentionally read a spoiler on the internet that indicated there had been heavy betting on someone other than one of those two to win – and cheating is suspected. All I know is that Shane and Aras are toast. Aras – you can come to me for some comforting. Ruff! Does anyone else suspect that he's a total flamer? I mean, a yoga instructor? Please…

I was traveling last Wednesday and missed my beloved Amazing Race. Does anyone know who got kicked off?
I can't wait to watch it tonight!

awkward office banter with an attempted Matt diffuser

Employee #1: "So ___, how did you hurt your back?"

Employee #2: "Oh - it just went out again. Happens a lot."

Employee #1: "Ha – it's because you're getting old!"

Employee #2: "No, this has actually been happening since college."

Employee #1: "Ha – no way! It's because you're getting old! Old man!"

Employee #2: "No. I compressed my spine in a rugby match in college and nearly ended up in a wheelchair."

Employee #1: *silence*

Employee #2: *silence*

Matt: "Ha ha – well, that's why I don't play rugby. That, and I wouldn't want anything to happen to my pretty, pretty face!"

Employees #1 and #2: *silence*

Matt: *silence*