eh? what's all that noise sonny??

The first four songs I listened to in my new car:

1. "Boys Keep Swinging" – David Bowie
2. "Crazy in Love" – Beyonce
3. "Coffee and TV" – Blur
4. "Got the Life" – Korn

I think all four of these songs kick ass, but perhaps my musical tastes need to be updated a bit before I permanently turn into a 65-year-old who firmly believes that all music released after 1960 is just too darn loud and filthy.

If you were to advise me to go out and buy one new, happenin', sweet CD that I can no longer live without what would it be?

Is it totally egotistical to be overly proud that your niece is brilliant and cute as a button and sweet and has the nicest disposition you've ever seen in a little kid? It's not as if I had anything to do with it. And it's not as if I'd take any of the blame if she were dumb and ugly and mean and was a monkey baby.
OK - I promise I'll stop talking about Hailey now!
PS - This picture kind of makes me look like I have big guns - which I don't! Nice.

this n' that

A week of random thoughts collected for your reading pleasure…or general disinterest!

I'm back from a long weekend in South Dakota, and let me tell ya – it was cold as fuck there. I knew it was a bad sign when it was only about one degree in Denver on Friday when I was flying out. If Denver is that cold the heartland is bound to be intolerable. I think it was about fifty below windshield in S.D. Fuck me gently with an ice auger!
Still, the whole point of me flying home was to drive back in my spiffy new Toyota Camry (no, it's not technically BRAND NEW – but it's new to me!!). And I did. And now I have a car! Zweeeeee!
By Tuesday I'd already been to SuperTarget, my friend's house (who lives across town) and JR's. Last night I hit the grocery store, tonight the bar, Friday night I'm driving out to G.'s boyfriend place for dinner, and then Tracks on Saturday night.
I'm so happy I'm crying a little bit. And peeing a little bit. Heh heh.

I love my car. While I expect that it will improve my socialization in the usual places (i.e. gay bars), I'm also hoping it will help me get out to places with a bit more innocent social interaction. It seems like every few months or so I get fed up with trying to meet someone genuine at the gay bars and start considering other alternatives.
I think I'm past my online and phone-hookup days. Besides, those always only lead to sex – which is A-OK – but I'm in a boyfriend mood right now.
Now that I can drive to grocery stores and SuperTargets and such I suppose that might lead to something.
I don't know. Maybe I'll just wander around the Cherry Creek Mall looking for a rich sugar daddy.

When I was in junior high, my band teacher told us that eating an apple is like brushing your teeth for five minutes. I always believed it because my teeth feel so sparkly clean after eating an apple. And because she was an authority figure.
Yesterday I was at the dentist for a cleaning/checkup and I asked my hygienist if that is true and she laughed at me. I felt like a fool. A goddamn fool!!!
Argh – another instance of being lied to at catholic school. Bastards!

I need a haircut RIGHT NOW. Bad. I look and feel like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.
"WHYYYYYYY? WHHHHHYYYYYYY??? I JUST WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND!!!"
I'm getting one tomorrow after work for sure.

My ex-boyfriend gave the best massages I've ever had. I used to moan like a dying wild animal when he worked me over. I think between the road trip and working out a bit too zealously on Tuesday I have cramped up my shoulders beyond belief. I'm trying to figure out the best way to coerce a post-breakup massage from him. Is offering sexual favors too cheesy or inappropriate?
I mean, who's going to turn down a blowjob?
Right…?

As I mentioned last week my niece is awesome. But now she's remarkably self-aware and quite the little diva. At one point her pants were pulled up really high and I called her "Urkel" and somehow she knew what that meant and ran out of the room upset and crying. This kid is only three for christ's sake! So I had to chase her down and apologize and pretend to hurt myself to make her laugh.
Damn you Urkel! Now you've annoyed two generations of sweet helpless children!

I had a strange moment driving to Aberdeen from Pierre with my parents. My mom has this CD with a bunch of random female artists – it was made to raise money for breast cancer research or something. So she pops it into the CD player and what's the first song that comes on? "I Will Survive" – of course. My mom was like, "Ha – I bet it's been a long time since you've heard this song!" and I thought, "Uh, yeah – as a gay guy I probably haven't heard this song in like, oh, two hours!"
Ah, the awkwardness of not being out to your parents.
Oh, and the CD also had the song "Breakout" from the 80's. That has to be one of the gayest songs ever.
I meant to steal that CD from her but I forgot. Damn.

I've had an orchid here at work for almost two years and it's never bloomed.
I've tried everything – more sun, less sun, fertilizer, no fertilizer, talking to it, giving it the cold shoulder, sweet-talking it, threatening it and abusing it, then backtracking – "Baby, I'm so sorry. I promise I won't ever lay a hand on you again!" – but nothing. I'm even watering it in that special way orchids are supposed to be watered – with lukewarm water running through the woodchips for two minutes once a week – and nada.
It's still alive and green, but there are never any goddamn blooms.
So if any green thumbs out there have any advice for me I'll be forever in your debt.
Otherwise the damn thing is going to end up in the paper shredder in about one week.

Hailey and the scrapbook she gave me for Xmas. 

Hailey helping to rearrange the TV room. 

reasons why my niece is so goddamn special

1. She says "fookie" instead of cookie. She can pronounce "c's" in other words, just not in cookie. Although I suspect at this point in her life, she may be simply doing it for cuteness' sake.

2. She thinks that my mom's living room is Denver, so she yells, "Matty, let's go to Denver!" and runs as fast as she can to the living room. The couch is the Rocky Mountains. Then she rolls off the side of the couch, pretending she's rolling down a mountain. Then I have to "roll down" too, and then we have to pretend to be knocked unconscious for a couple seconds.

3. I was calling her "nosepicker" when I saw her putting her finger in her nose, forgetting that she's three and now she picks up on everything. After the third time I called her that, she looked at me with the most forlorn expression I've ever seen and said in a sad voice, "Why do you keep being mean to me?" My heart broke.

4. She hates going to bed and can fake-cry in an attempt to get out of it like nobody's business. My last night in town she came out into my sister's living room and fake-sobbed, "It's cold and scary in there!"
When my sister said "That's enough" and picked her up to take her back to bed she looked at me with her eyes full of tears and cried, "Matty, save me!" My heart broke.

5. Blonde hair/blue eyes.

6. She asked me to play her a princess song on my iPod. Luckily, I had some Nutcracker bullshit on there. Not that the Nutcracker is bullshit per se, but did I really need it on my iPod?
Well…apparently it's good thing I did!

7. She was fascinated by my newly-sprouting beard. When I'd hold her, she'd grab my cheeks in her little hands and say, "Are you gonna look like Santa?"

8. Speaking of Santa, my parents had their friend dress up as Santa to stop by on Xmas Eve. When he came in the door and said, "I'm looking for a little girl named Hailey!" she went running right up and said, "I'm Hailey! Me! Me!" And then she hopped right up into his lap without any fear and gave him a big hug and kiss. She's righteous.

9. She tries to share everything with everyone – including the gooey chunk of cheese she's been nursing for about a half hour.

10. She can't keep a secret to save her life. I showed her what I got my mom and sister for Xmas, and later my sister told me I'd made a big mistake. So I immediately tried to backtrack and told her to tell everyone I got grandma "rattlesnakes." For the rest of the weekend she ran around giggling and telling everyone that grandma was getting rattlesnakes. She did, however, announce to the family at Xmas Eve dinner that Lindsey was getting books. Oh well. At least she didn't say WHICH books.

11. We invented a strange game that we played for almost an hour on Xmas Day where we'd go "WHAAAAAA" at the top of our lungs in our most annoying voices and then both yell "DON'T!" at the same time to each other over and over and over until my mom was at her absolute wits end and complained that she was getting a migraine. LOVE that game.
WHAAAAAA! DON'T!

12. Because of how happy she's made my sister, mom and dad. And how fun she's made every day of our lives we get to spend with her.

13. Today she sent me (via my sister) this e-mail message:
"Hi Uncle Mattie! Hello. I like your kitty. I love you. I'm sick today so I stay home with mommy. Have fun at work. Miss you."

Being an uncle is the best job in the world.

And I'm super stoked because I get to see Hailey in two days!

what's feb. 14th again?

I hate confrontation. I can't stand having anyone dislike me, or even worse - having them know that I dislike them. I figure I'm just a people-pleaser through and through. Some would say spineless – I call it overly sensitive.

Of course, I'm just evil enough that I'm not above being two-faced and bitching about people behind their backs. I just don't want them to ever find out.
So when the annoying douche bag who moved here from Florida a few months ago stumbled up to me on Saturday night and went off on his little drunken, slurry tirade I was somewhat thrown.
"Hey Matt – I know YOU'LL be happy to know that I won't be around much longer. Maybe you're not a big fan of me, but you know what? Huh?? I don't care! That's right. I don't care if you like me. So screw you!"
If I hadn't been drunk too I might have tried to deny the fact that I don't like him. But I was pretty wasted so I just shrugged my shoulders and grimaced.
But after a couple of minutes I realized I couldn't stop thinking about it. I mean, he's not evil or anything. He's just got horrible breath, absolutely no fashion sense, and is about as interesting to talk to as a bag of rocks. Either someone told him that I didn't like him or I was being totally obvious about it. And I started to feel really bad about the situation.
Then Sunday night B. told me that Florida has been going around telling people that I came on to him and begged him to hook up with me.
That's it. I'm punching him in the neck if I ever see him again.
Gawd. Gross! As if my reputation isn't fucked up enough already.

The rest of my weekend was full of gay fun:

Sunday night I was at JR's drinking a few beers and hanging out with some recent acquaintances. I picked out the boy that I thought was the absolute cutest in the bar. He was kind of frat-boy'ish. Then my ex-boyfriend showed up and introduced me to the cute frat boy. They're dating. The table erupted in laughter. Cute boy looked confused. Confused, but still as cute as a button.
Lucky goddamn ex-boyfriend.

One of the guys who was there works at the downtown Gap. He told me they're having a $2 sale on those boxer-briefs I love! I told him I would come in this week to buy some – however, I'm a little reluctant to go in because I took a boy home from that same Gap two weekends ago. He was pretty good in bed, but was also one of those you can't get to leave. It was about 2:00 a.m. and I had to be up at 7:00 a.m. for a Saturday morning staff retreat so I had to pretty much kick him out. Now I don't want to go to the Gap because I'll most likely see him and get crusty looks from him.
Which is totally pissing me off because I love the Gap. And I want new undies.

Saturday afternoon I watched Can't Buy Me Love and Sunday afternoon I watched Trick. Gay.

The two CD's I'm obsessively listening to over and over and over are "Confessions on a Dance Floor" and "Breakaway." Double gay.

The best news of the weekend: The hot, hot, HOT guy I've mentioned a couple times on this blog (works in the building next to me, the one I was too nervous to talk to at a party a few months ago) was at the bar on Saturday night and came up to me and said, "I've met you before, haven't I? It's good to see you!" and gave me a big sexy hug. Even though we've never actually talked.
I was all, "Bah?? Gah!! Doi…" because I was wasted.
One little tip from Rehab Matt: If you're not drinking during the week, it is unwise to believe you can go out on the weekend and drink as much as you used to. You will lose track of time and space and hit on anything within your blurry radar. ANYTHING.
So now I'm determined to "casually" bump into him during the lunch hour. While I'm sober and charming. And then HE WILL fall in love with me and we'll have beautiful babies!
Yeah!

Oh – and Happy Valentine's Day to all! I'm very happy for all of you who are in love on this special day.
I am perfectly O.K. being single – I just wish I had some guaranteed sex…and maybe a box of chocolates or candy message hearts.
But hey – I can always buy my own chocolates, and I did just wash my sheets on Sunday so messing them up now would just be a pain in the ass.
Me not having sex is actually helping to save the environment! Yeah...
I did see something on AC 360 last night that said (and I'm approximating these figures using my poor, drug-ravaged brain) only like 15% of singles are sad about being single and over 40% are perfectly happy being single and don't even want to be coupled up. I'm not sure what the deal is with the other 45%. Maybe that's the category for asexuals and those who dismember hookers and one-night-stands and keep the mummified bits on rocking chairs in their cellars?

XXOO!!!

the magnetic attraction between old ladies and my crotch

This morning on my way to work I had no less than three – THREE – late 50s- to 60-something women nestle themselves into my groin on the mall ride. Honestly – they really made themselves at home - got all cozy and warm, made frightening little purring sounds, etc.
I kept coughing into the hair of the first one (her head was roughly two inches from my face), hoping she would be disgusted and move away, but that didn't phase her at all. She smelled like my grandma used to. *shudder*
After she exited and her friend assumed the spooning position with me I tried shoving my messenger bag into her back, really trying to jab her with the sharp bits. But she loved the abuse.
By the time she exited and ANOTHER lonely woman stepped in to take her place I realized I had no choice but to go with the flow. So I bumped and grinded her saggy, flower skirt-covered ass until her post-menopausal needs were satisfied. When I do a job, I do it right.

Yep – you can now just think of me as an American gigolo for the blue-haired set. If your grandma is feeling a little lonely, have her give me a call....

happy, happy

I thought I'd try to come up with a little happy post since I've been so crabby and *screechy cat sound* lately.

So let's focus on the brighter side of life!

Well, I may still be poor, but I'm definitely going to make it until next Tuesday (payday) without starving. I've been really good about not spending money for the last week. Friday night I convinced just about every boy I saw to buy a drink for me and then Saturday night I went to a party, thereby avoiding the need to spend money at all except for the bottle of wine I brought with me. Then I stayed in Sunday night and last night. Monday night I went out for a while, but only bought one gin martini.

Speaking of that, the date on Monday night went well. It was interesting to confront the situation in a sober manner, because we were only about two zippers away from getting it on two weekends ago, but after we sat and talked for a few hours I decided it would be better if we were just friends. I mean, I still think he's kind of cute, but it appears that he's serious relationship guy and I like to take things sloooooooooow.
Wait – throw five more o's in there. Better.
Plus he's got breath issues. Breath is very important to me. And if he can't be bothered to step it up for a date, what's he gonna be like in everyday life?

I think the cute guy with the hot shaved head from my building who I always see walking his dogs likes me. He just keeps giving me these sly smiles, and then when I turn around to check out his ass he's sometimes turning around to check out my ass too!
Pluses: He's cute with a hot shaved head and a great ass.
Minuses: He has multiple dogs. Bleh.

I finally got back to the gym last night! It had been almost two weeks, and besides starting to feel like a huge heifer, lack of exercise was really starting to affect my mood. So I did an hour of cardio and some weights and slept like a baby last night! It will definitely be a while before I take a good night's sleep for granted again.
Please allow me one small negative thought here – the New Year's resolution people. I hate them. I know they're only going to be around clogging up the gym for a few more weeks before they give up and go away until next January, but jesus h. christ!

I have my second interview for my potential new job tomorrow morning! Granted, it is at 7:00 a.m., but they're just trying to be accommodating to my current job responsibilities. I appreciate that, but it's so damn hard to be witty and charming and smart at that hour of the day. I'm sure I'll manage somehow.

Survivor starts tomorrow night!

We're only two weeks away from me getting my car! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm currently insurance-shopping.

Last night while digging through a drawer looking for a calculator to do my taxes I found a $30 Pottery Barn gift card I forgot I had. So when I have my car I can drive to one and spend it!
I can't believe I'm going to be able to drive wherever I damn well please in less than three weeks.