Thursday, February 23, 2006

this n' that

A week of random thoughts collected for your reading pleasure…or general disinterest!

I'm back from a long weekend in South Dakota, and let me tell ya – it was cold as fuck there. I knew it was a bad sign when it was only about one degree in Denver on Friday when I was flying out. If Denver is that cold the heartland is bound to be intolerable. I think it was about fifty below windshield in S.D. Fuck me gently with an ice auger!
Still, the whole point of me flying home was to drive back in my spiffy new Toyota Camry (no, it's not technically BRAND NEW – but it's new to me!!). And I did. And now I have a car! Zweeeeee!
By Tuesday I'd already been to SuperTarget, my friend's house (who lives across town) and JR's. Last night I hit the grocery store, tonight the bar, Friday night I'm driving out to G.'s boyfriend place for dinner, and then Tracks on Saturday night.
I'm so happy I'm crying a little bit. And peeing a little bit. Heh heh.

I love my car. While I expect that it will improve my socialization in the usual places (i.e. gay bars), I'm also hoping it will help me get out to places with a bit more innocent social interaction. It seems like every few months or so I get fed up with trying to meet someone genuine at the gay bars and start considering other alternatives.
I think I'm past my online and phone-hookup days. Besides, those always only lead to sex – which is A-OK – but I'm in a boyfriend mood right now.
Now that I can drive to grocery stores and SuperTargets and such I suppose that might lead to something.
I don't know. Maybe I'll just wander around the Cherry Creek Mall looking for a rich sugar daddy.

When I was in junior high, my band teacher told us that eating an apple is like brushing your teeth for five minutes. I always believed it because my teeth feel so sparkly clean after eating an apple. And because she was an authority figure.
Yesterday I was at the dentist for a cleaning/checkup and I asked my hygienist if that is true and she laughed at me. I felt like a fool. A goddamn fool!!!
Argh – another instance of being lied to at catholic school. Bastards!

I need a haircut RIGHT NOW. Bad. I look and feel like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.
"WHYYYYYYY? WHHHHHYYYYYYY??? I JUST WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND!!!"
I'm getting one tomorrow after work for sure.

My ex-boyfriend gave the best massages I've ever had. I used to moan like a dying wild animal when he worked me over. I think between the road trip and working out a bit too zealously on Tuesday I have cramped up my shoulders beyond belief. I'm trying to figure out the best way to coerce a post-breakup massage from him. Is offering sexual favors too cheesy or inappropriate?
I mean, who's going to turn down a blowjob?
Right…?

As I mentioned last week my niece is awesome. But now she's remarkably self-aware and quite the little diva. At one point her pants were pulled up really high and I called her "Urkel" and somehow she knew what that meant and ran out of the room upset and crying. This kid is only three for christ's sake! So I had to chase her down and apologize and pretend to hurt myself to make her laugh.
Damn you Urkel! Now you've annoyed two generations of sweet helpless children!

I had a strange moment driving to Aberdeen from Pierre with my parents. My mom has this CD with a bunch of random female artists – it was made to raise money for breast cancer research or something. So she pops it into the CD player and what's the first song that comes on? "I Will Survive" – of course. My mom was like, "Ha – I bet it's been a long time since you've heard this song!" and I thought, "Uh, yeah – as a gay guy I probably haven't heard this song in like, oh, two hours!"
Ah, the awkwardness of not being out to your parents.
Oh, and the CD also had the song "Breakout" from the 80's. That has to be one of the gayest songs ever.
I meant to steal that CD from her but I forgot. Damn.

I've had an orchid here at work for almost two years and it's never bloomed.
I've tried everything – more sun, less sun, fertilizer, no fertilizer, talking to it, giving it the cold shoulder, sweet-talking it, threatening it and abusing it, then backtracking – "Baby, I'm so sorry. I promise I won't ever lay a hand on you again!" – but nothing. I'm even watering it in that special way orchids are supposed to be watered – with lukewarm water running through the woodchips for two minutes once a week – and nada.
It's still alive and green, but there are never any goddamn blooms.
So if any green thumbs out there have any advice for me I'll be forever in your debt.
Otherwise the damn thing is going to end up in the paper shredder in about one week.

4 Comments:

Blogger Sven said...

I love that part in Steel Magnolias, when she goes from sane to insane back to sane twisted with a lil insane.

It's priceless.

And of course, I cry everytime.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Big Daddy said...

Target is the evil empire.

You only go there to get a few things, and by the time you leave you have hundreds of dollars of crap that you came across and decided you needed.

:)

7:31 PM  
Anonymous eryk said...

About your orchid, if you haven't tried this already (the way I used to do it)...

1. Watering sounds good, make sure you're getting the leaves wet, too. I used to put them in the bathtub and let the shower run (cold-ish water) and the tub fill up to about the depth of 1-2" below the rim of the pot. I'd also let them soak for 15 minutes before draining the tub.

2. Fertilizing it is tricky. Try using two kinds of fertilizer. The maintenance formula (usually blue, I think) should be given once a month. Then every three months give it a dose of the bloom forumula (yellow, I think) the 1st and 3rd waterings, and skipping fertilizer all together the next month.

The fact that orchids are so high maintenance may be why all of us 'mos like them so much. Maybe it's because we can relate?

Cheers and keep us posted.

7:25 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

OH God your random posts make me love you...You are so funny!

9:35 AM  

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