Tuesday, September 20, 2005


Jesus, I have been in the dumbest depression today. Depression for no particular reason – just my manic-depressive/bipolar/whatever the hell disorder I have kicking in.

I hate that. My job is going well, I love my new apartment, I've been working out regularly, have been making a few new friends and working on my relationships with my old ones, I got to see my family this month, I've gotten some recent action…and yet, I'm extremely blue.

I think maybe it's fall coming on. Fall is my favorite season, but I always feel a full year older when fall comes around. I think my brain associates it with change and growth. Progress. And all my efforts at serious progress in my life this summer were stymied. I didn't get the new dream job I wanted. My relationship, which started out with such strong promise last spring, went bust – because of me. My best friend and I didn't talk for weeks, and now that we are again it feels like our core friendship has changed. And it feels like all my straight friends are moving ahead with marriages and babies and mortgages and such. I still feel like such a kid compared to them. As if they look at me and think "Gee, it's nice that Matt can still go out and party like he did five years ago. It's too bad he can't find a steady boyfriend, or even own a car for that matter." I know they're probably not really thinking that, but I guess I am.

In reality, it's probably good that I'm feeling like this because it's the only way I'm going to get motivated and change my life for the better.

Anyway, what inspired this whole down-in-the-dumps narrative was today's horoscope on MSNBC. I'd spent most of the afternoon cleaning up old employee/firm pictures on the marketing server and was getting all sad and nostalgic. Reminiscing on my past three years at my firm was definitely NOT improving my mood. Then I read this:

"It is time to put away the sentimental feelings for the day and move to something new, dear Cancer. Stop pulling out old photo albums and crying about past experiences. You will only succeed in sinking into a puddle of tears that you cannot pull yourself out of. Instead, this is a day to look to the future and plan for new experiences that you can enjoy with the people you love."

And THEN I was cruising through all my favorite blogs and read http://www.iseemonsters.com/ 's post for today. And I totally relate to what he's saying. And it makes me feel so much better about where I'm at in my head today.

Crazy, huh? Astrology and the wisdom of my blogger friends saves the day yet again. So I'm just going to pull out the St. John's Wort, hit the gym to kick in those endorphins, and try to cheer up a bit. After all, there's a lot to look forward to!


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