Wednesday, November 09, 2005

babies - the new black?

Babies, babies, babies. Everywhere I turn these days the lil' bastards are coming out.

Of course, my dear friend (and ex-tequila shot drinking buddy) T. is due to pop around Xmas. And I'm sure her little boy will be beautiful – and totally healthy and unaffected by any prenatal drinking binges…he hehheh he… *gulp*

At work I sit in a pod with two other people. One is the majorly irritating IT guy (I'll save all THAT for another posting) and the other is an interior designer. She's been out since early summer when she had to be put on bed rest while waiting to give birth to twins (she – was – HUGE!). Today is her first day back. I'm happy to see her – it gets lonely over here in my little corner with no one to talk to and to shit talk about my coworkers with (minus the IT guy – blech). I can tell she's self-conscious about her new pooch. She keeps pulling her jacket together to cover it up. I don't think there's anything to ashamed of – two kids were cut out of that pooch a matter of months ago for christ's sake!
But all day it's been one person after another coming to the area between our desks to look at pictures, talk about babies, blah blah. The first couple of conversations I tried to participate in - I laughed about the difficulties of midnight feedings, nodded sympathetically at the cost of day care, offered my two-cents about sore nipples, etc., but now I'm just over it.
Everyone is having fucking babies – two people in my office have kids who are about one year old, one dude just got one a couple months ago, and now another guy's wife is knocked up.
Babies are the new black.
And I have a strong suspicion that another chick is my office is with child because she's looking a little big in front and she keeps wearing these unpleasant saggy peasant shirts, but I totally can't say something cuz what if she wasn't pregnant? From what little I understand about women, they don't care much for that.

Whenever another woman in my office has a baby, a chair mysteriously appears in the client bathroom (which I always use because the men's room smells like shit and cheap cologne…and I have been prone to stage fright from time to time) for the woman to sit on while she…pumps her milk? Extracts her milk? Squeezes the big fat lefty and then the big fat righty? I don't know the politically correct way to say it.
I guess it seems a little high-maintenance to me. I mean, heaven forbid they have to sit on the toilet. Oh dear – you're up to your elbows in baby shit 12 times a day, but stay away from that toilet!

A couple years ago a woman at work came back from maternity leave and would pump the milk during the day. I didn't know this was going on. One day I opened the freezer and saw this cute little bottle of white stuff sitting there. I picked it up, gave it a little shake, and asked everyone in the kitchen, "What the hell is this?" It was the breast milk, and people pointed and laughed at me.
I also had the chance to feel a warm bag of fresh breast milk during my trip to Minneapolis last May. I tried to get Jen to have a glass of it with her cookie. She refused.
I have to admit, I was a little tempted to taste it. Just to see. Maybe it would be delicious? And you know it's ever-so-good for you and might even help me with my allergies! But then I'd be fucked because I'd be addicted to breast milk, and where would a sicko like me go to find his fix? Hmm – maybe you could get something like that on the world wide web?

I was shocked to find out a couple of years ago that I wasn't breast fed. When my sister had Hailey she decided not to breast feed and I was like, "Linz, you've got to. I mean, how do think we would have turned out if mom hadn't breast fed us?" and my mom was like, "Uh, I never breast fed you. Sucker."
I felt so robbed. Cheated out of the one chance I had in my life to suck on a boob – I mean, other than those couple of drunken experiences in college. And I am a little obsessed with boobs. Subconsciously I stare at them – or so I've been told.
Boob envy? Maybe…but I doubt it. After all, I've spent a good portion of my life trying to eliminate any trace of man boobs!



Anonymous duane said...

I am with you, it seems that babies are everywhere. Just two minutes ago, a coworker brought hers by. Gee wiz... get that kid out of here!!

As for the breast feeding thing, you should always breast feed for a minimum of 6 months. The mother passes antibodies and other goodies to the child through the boob milk that they cannot get anywhere else. Breast fed babies make stronger children, it is a fact.

2:25 PM  
Blogger Matt S. said...

My sister is due any minute now, I am waiting for the call so I can go see my little nice or nephew for the first time.

I know what you are saying though I go a little crazy when people obsess over their children. I mean I understand, but seriously let me talk about myself every now and again. I mean I am a hell of a lot funnier and smarter than that tlittle shiting machine.

I also want a child so that I can leave work at anytime without anyone questioning it. All you have to say is my baby is sick, and they practically kick you out.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Christine said...

Go Duane, getting all La Leche League... :) We keep getting emails about a "lactation room" at my work. The people I work with aren't reproducing yet, mostly because of all the nasty teratogens (fetus mutators) that we work with. Not very pregnancy-friendly.

5:05 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home