reality tv round-up

*written specially in honor of my new friend Stacy!*

As I have been sick as a dog this week, I have been going straight home from work and getting my butt to bed early. After a healthy dose of reality TV (and a little regular TV too), that is!

So…here is my boob-tube week in review:

Monday: I didn't get to watch any TV on Monday because I was flying home from Minneapolis. Does anybody know if Arrested Development was on? I've been jonesing for that show. I heard Justin Bateman had throat surgery this week and taping has been suspended. Nooooo! They could work that into the show!
I also missed Prison Break. I had written off this show about a month ago just because…well, c'mon. Exactly how far am I expected to suspend my disbelief? But my future husband Wentworth Miller is the star, and I must support him through the good times and the bad. I take my potential future vows seriously. I'm sorry, but that's just the kind of guy I am. Plus, they killed off, like, 37 people in the last episode I saw! Bloodbath!

Tuesday: Watched Sex and the City on TBS. Got to see one of my favorite episodes – the one where Carrie gets ditched by everyone on her birthday, but at the end gets balloons and champagne from Big. That one really takes your emotions on a rollercoaster ride. Love it.
Then I caught The Amazing Race. It was nice and drama-licious. The christians got a time-out, and boy, did they respond to it in a non-christian-like way. Damn – they were calling everyone retards, pointing out people's flaws, punching the other teams' pictures in the face.
"My god, my god – why have you forsaken me??"
But they still didn't lose. The family with the two little kids was eliminated. It was pretty sad. The teeny little girl had a breakdown. Poor lil' thing. She looked like a friggin' blowfish. I really don't know if she'll look back at the whole experience as a positive or negative one. I think she'll hate her mom forever for not being able to find that tiny red bean.

Wednesday: Watched Martha Stewart's Apprentice for the first time in a few weeks. Is it just me, or is this show pretty much as dull as watching paint dry? I had to read a book while I was watching it just to keep my brain from going to screen-saver mode.
I mean, jesus! – blah blah blah. We'd like the teams to brand the new Tide pen. Blah blah. Winning team eats sticky buns with Martha. Blah blah. "You don't fit in." Blah-dee blah. Martha writes two heartfelt letters. Blah.
So…like most of America (or as I should say, the 12 or so people who are still watching this show) I think Jim is a total douche who I would HATE if I ever had to deal with him in real life. But, like the sucker for abuse that I am, I suddenly have this inexplicable crush on him. I want him to heap verbal abuse on me and then go down on me for an hour.
Sorry – TMI.

Thursday: This week's Survivor was damn entertaining. Everyone is so pissy and hungry and sassy. And there is a mysterious immunity idol hidden somewhere in the jungle!
OK – maybe it's just me being super picky, but I could have sworn I saw a misspelling in the subtitles. At one point someone said, "…he's getting too cocky" and I'm pretty sure the subtitle said, "…he's getting to cocky." That interpretation sounds like some new way of referring to a sex act. Like, "I hope I get to cocky with him tonight!"
On second thought, that really doesn't make much sense.
I REALLY don't care who wins this stupid season. I don't like anyone very much. Even the gay guy bugs me. Idiot sticks his hand in a wasps' nest and then almost starts bawling because he thinks his team member is mean. This is Survivor, after all. Pussy.
I guess if I had to pick one person I'd like to win, it would be the chick with the dark hair who's on the smaller team. I can't remember her name. She's hot and seems pretty cool.
And enough with the nature shots mimicking human shots. Like when they showed the evil monkey yawning and then the evil Jaime yawning. Snore – that's SO first-year-film school.
The Apprentice was endlessly entertaining. That poor little gay jewish virgin. I think Clay should throw him a little favor (or maybe big – but in Clay's case, I seriously doubt it). And Donald's disbelief at Clay being gay? Uh…OK – have you heard him talk? And the Donald is like, "So, you're REALLY not attracted to her, or even her??! That's OK. It's like a restaurant. Some people like steak, some people like spaghetti." I don't even want to know which of the two dishes he's using as a metaphor for a vag. *gag*
And bu-bye Markus! If I ever have the misfortune to meet you in real life I promise to punch you in the neck. And then you'll probably go off on a rambling two-hour discourse that makes no sense whatsoever about the history of people getting punched in the neck.