Friday, June 02, 2006

24 things I learned in the bahamas

1. If you travel with a group of people, of whom 95% are couples, you are going to suffer intense feelings of boyfriend-envy.
So much so, you may spend time pretending some of the straight women are your girlfriends just so you can hold hands and get kisses from someone.
Or sitting stoned on a beach late at night looking up at the stars wondering why you're so fucked-up and alone when everyone else around you seems perfectly able to sustain successful, long-term relationships.

2. It's hard to hook up if you're gay. Well, at least it was for me. Everyone down there seemed straight. So – no action for me.
I guess it's OK though. I was so drunk most of the time it probably wouldn't have been one of the most dazzling experiences of my life. Or the other guy's, for that matter.

3. Take twice as much sunscreen as you think you'll need.

4. Take your Nalgene water bottle. Everyone ended up being jealous that I had mine, especially when we got to the airport at 11:00 at night and all the shops that sell water were closed. Plus, when you get to the Bahamas, you can fill it up with 32 oz. of margarita fun!

5. Speaking of booze – buy your own hard alcohol. Drinks at the bar or on the beach are really expensive. So is beer at the liquor store. But hard alcohol is surprisingly cheap. I bought a huge bottle of tequila, a couple bottles of margarita mix, and a bottle of cheap champagne for about $45. And you can carry your drinks around with you everywhere you go – even into bars and casinos – thus saving a shitload of money!

6. Do NOT trust the resort's wake-up call system. I almost missed our Friday morning snorkeling trip because the call never came. And other people in our group had the same thing happen on other mornings.

7. Be concerned about being in fairly good shape for your vacation, but don't get all obsesso about it. There are so many nasty people down there that no one will even notice your cute little beer-gut (or at least that's what I kept telling myself).

8. Even if you've quit smoking (besides an occasional drunken cig or two at the bar on the weekends) there's a very strong chance you'll break down and grab a couple packs at the liquor store. After all, you're on vacation and that entitles you to damage your body as much as possible. Right?

9. I am totally intimidated by the big, sweaty, black Bahaman women in the marketplace selling their wares. They're all, "Hey babycakes! Why don't you bring that gorgeous ass over here and check out what I got? C'mon. Don't be shy! What can I find for you? HEY – come here sexy!" (imagine in a thick Bahaman accent)
And I'm all, "Tee hee. Me?? No, I couldn't possibly..."

10. A beachside white party in the Bahamas is about the swankiest event you can attend. I felt like I was in a Ralph Lauren ad or something.

11. Most of the customer service folks down there – excluding bar staff – are some of the grouchiest, most sullen people I've ever had wait on me. I suppose they get really sick of drunken tourists…but hey, they're the ones who made the decision to work at the liquor store or the Subway or the overpriced, understocked drug store - so suck it up crabbypants!

12. Even if you totally hate rum, you'll all of a sudden be in love with it if it's served on a boat in a plastic bucket at high noon and they've just run out of beer at the boat bar.

13. I love snorkeling. Although breathing through the tube made me feel quite claustrophobic at first. And that water is CRAZY salty!
Oh – and I saw a fish poop! It pooped A LOT and it looked like squash. Pretty appetizing to think about when you get ocean water in your mouth, right?

14. My friends are big, huge, brave, awesome drunken gamblers.

15. I am a god of the slot machines but am too scared/conservative to try the blackjack and roulette tables.

16. I've never sweat that much in a five-day period and really not given a shit how disgusting I was.

17. I am intensely freaked out by those little lizard things running around all over down there. Eeek! Especially when I'm wearing flip-flops the whole time and there's a chance they could scurry over my toes and give them a little bite.

18. Avoid the main public beaches and have a local take you to a private beach – like Gold Rock beach. That was where they filmed the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels, and it was the most beautiful place I've ever been in my life. It felt like a wonderful dream. I had taken a small dose of mushrooms and smoked some grass…so perhaps that had something to do with it. But it would have still been righteous even if one were dead sober. We saw stingrays and sharks!

19. It is possible to get stage fright even when you're neck-deep in the ocean. Pretty appetizing to think about when you get ocean water in your mouth, right?

20. If you drink four beers, a bucket of rum, and a Nalgene bottle of margaritas by 3:00 in the afternoon you'll probably jump into the resort pool with your wallet in your pocket and not even realize it until a couple hours later. Probably.

21. It is absolutely possible to go two full days eating only a banana, a package of airline crackers, two mozzarella sticks, and about half a six-inch sub and still not feel hungry at all.
As long as you're drinking the entire time, that is.

22. Nothing will facilitate super-bonding with a group of virtual strangers quicker than a Bahaman vacation.

23. You'll be finding sand everywhere you turn for days after you get back.

24. You'll fall into a deep and immediate depression about two minutes after you get home and walk through your front door and realize it's all over.
But at least you have your buddy Ernie waiting there, and he missed the hell out of you.


**lots and lots of pictures coming soon…**

3 Comments:

Blogger Big Daddy said...

It's stuff like this that makes me enjoy reading your blog:

'I am totally intimidated by the big, sweaty, black Bahaman women in the marketplace selling their wares. They're all, "Hey babycakes! Why don't you bring that gorgeous ass over here and check out what I got? C'mon. Don't be shy! What can I find for you? HEY – come here sexy!" (imagine in a thick Bahaman accent)
And I'm all, "Tee hee. Me?? No, I couldn't possibly..."


Glad to hear you had a fun trip!

5:11 PM  
Blogger hot babe said...

Isn't snorkeling the best thing on earth?!? I love it. Of course, I could spend the entire day in the water- fish poop & Matty stage-fright-is-finally-over urine & all.

9:02 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

I went to the bahamas... Greg's thighs were rubbing together and he had to buy baby powder because he got some odd rash and I borrowed my grandma's sandles that were 2 sizes two small so I had horrible horrible blisters...we looked so funny hobbling down the beach.Plus Greg had severe motion sickness *we went on a cruise* so I went shopping when we stooped in nassau while he vomited in our room for 5 hours.I came home with 5 cheaply made t-shirts, 8 necklaces, a cup and braided hair all becuse of my own intimidation with the saleswomen.

12:54 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home