Tuesday, November 29, 2005

sometimes I hate the gym

Sometimes I hate the gym. Other than playing a bit of tennis while growing up I never really physically exerted myself (at least intentionally) at all until I was around 27. Then I moved into a high-rise building downtown that had a workout room on the top floor.
It was at the same time I was starting my first big professional job, I was coming out all over the place (gay-wise) and I decided it was time I started acting like a real gay man and become overly-obsessed with my body.
For about three years I worked out for about 20-45 minutes a couple of times a week. I'm sure it was good for me, but I really didn't see much of a change. Now that I'm in my new building I've started shooting for 60-90 minutes four times a week. It sucks, but I'm going to stick to it. I know I have to be patient to see real results, but I want to be hot now!!!

Clearly, I can be an impatient person and a lot of stuff gets on my nerves. Especially when it comes to the gym. Now, granted, I don't have to go to one of those big, huge gyms with tons and tons of equipment and all sorts of twats, and I do feel lucky about not having to deal with all that riff raff, but annoying things do happen even in my little workout room.
It's pretty small and has some free weights and some weight machines and junk, a stairmaster, an elliptical machine, a stationary bike, and three treadmills. That's it.

After a few months of really trying to work out a lot, I've started to feel infuriated with several specific things:

The chicks who use the elliptical machine with no resistance at all. Their limbs are flying about as if independent from their body. It's so ridiculous. It's not an amusement park ride for fuck's sake. You're supposed to be working against a little resistance so you're actually getting a workout! And it's not just one chick. It's a bunch of them.
Also, it's really not fair to use the only elliptical machine we have for an hour and a half at one time. ESPECIALLY when you're really not getting a true workout because you have the resistance set on zero. Ya'll look like goddamn Olive Oyls. Bitches.

The guys who come up just to use the weights and then strut over to the water fountain between every set.
*Lift, lift, lift, lift. Walk to water fountain. Sip. Walk back to weights. Lift, lift, lift, lift. Walk back to water fountain. Sip. And so on.*
Stupid full-of-themselves muscleheads.

The random assholes that come up to the workout room just to take a huge, stinky shit in the workout room bathroom which then wafts through the whole space, or those who seemingly come up just to watch whatever is on the T.V. I had a guy in there a couple weeks ago who just stood there and watched the football game THE WHOLE TIME I was working out. I came thisclose to punching him in the neck.

The people who don't sweat. I hate you.
You can't miss me at the gym. I'm the guy who looks like I just had two and a half buckets of water dumped over my head. Hi there! I'm a sweathog! Hi!!

The people who leave the equipment all sticky. This is just nast. Just because there are no official rules about cleaning up after yourself doesn't mean that chaos and sticky sweat rule. Bitches.

The people who work out in jeans or jean shorts - get the fuck out. In fact, if you're in jean shorts period just do everyone a favor and take a nice, long nap in your running car in a closed garage.
OH! Zing!

The television I'm subjected to. With guys it's always got to be sports. Or SportsCenter.
With chicks, god only knows what you may be subjected to.
Some of the shows women at the gym have worked out to: Grease II; Friends; Everybody Loves Raymond; Moulin Rouge; some sort of Lifetime movie that takes place on a mountain and involves a woman endlessly screaming at the top of her lungs while violins screech; The Parent Trap (the L.L. version); and Law & Order reruns…blah! Who wants to watch Law & Order at the gym??
There's only one thing I want to watch, if anything, while I'm working out. The news. Any kind of news. That's it. And I'm using my iPod, so I don't need the T.V. volume cranked up to an obscene, ear-piercing level like all of you do. Bitches.

I could probably go on and on with this list. Honestly, I'm actually only slightly crabby in my everyday life, but when I'm working out I become very easily irritated.
But despite all the potential ways I could be pissed off in a typical workout session I can't stop.
After all, I don't work out because I love it. I do it because I have to – otherwise, I'll be a manatee in about five years when my metabolism finally gives out for good. And my damn genetics dictate that I'm supposed to have a size 40 waist - as you can see below....


Blogger Matt S. said...

I hate it when there are tons of guys working out when I am in the weight room. They are always the big meathead assholes that want to lift like 150 pounds on everything, then I feel like an inadequate little bitch when I take half the weight off.

I hate working out, but I am trying not to pack on the pounds this winter like I seem to have done every year in the past, so I am going 4 nights a week for about an hour. That way I don't have to spend all spring and the first part of Summer getting beach ready.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Kiddo78 said...

My friend is a health coordinator at a Y in Chicago. She said any cardio over 160 minutes / week is totally worthless and pointless. It won't do anything more...Just an FYI. I need to start going to the gym again. Good for you for keeping the motivation!

7:36 PM  
Anonymous duane said...

Get it out girl! LOL I am with you, I hate all those perfect people just being perfect at the gym! GET DIRTY!!! LORD!

12:45 PM  
Blogger hot babe said...

Oh I love it when you're cranky & hate the world.

Any you know, what's wrong with a little Everybody Loves Raymond? I want my mind off of working out so a little levity is helpful. And since you love the worst movies in the world (Another Stakeout, the entire Look Who's Talking franchise), I don't think you should ever get to choose the channel on the TV.

4:45 PM  
Blogger denverboy said...

Ha - you got that right hotbabe!
Another Stakeout was on TV a couple weeks ago, and I laughed and laughed when I saw the scene where you see the dog chasing the cat through the cat's hind legs. They had a brilliant cameraman on that movie!

2:13 PM  
Blogger Sven said...

Eventually, you will enjoy working out and look forward to it.

I think it brainwashed me at some point in my second year.

9:57 AM  
Anonymous paul said...

"twats" I laughed!! I don't understand women at the gym, either. "Um, that machine comes WITH weights for a reason. Oh, and the bench next to you is not a shelf for your trendy waterbottle, people want to use that."

But as far as the guys going to the waterfountain; if you're trying to put on muscle, you need to take a break between sets. So, between sets, I kill time by going to the waterfountain... [guilty]

3:34 AM  
Blogger denverboy said...

Oh Paul - deep down I'm just jealous of the perfectly fit muscle boys.
You know, those of you who can just go to the gym and concentrate on weight lifting, and not be constantly obsessed with cardio/fat burning like me....

3:49 PM  
Blogger hot babe said...

But if you did weight training, you'd build lean muscles which burn more calories in a day which in turn would help you maintain your sexy bod all the better. Grrrr...

Weight training is the one thing I actually like. The cardio sucks because you always have to push yourself just to the point beyond comfort but before you kill yourself so that you're in your target heart rate range. And that sucks. Being uncomfortabel really sucks. But if I'm doing a bunch of reps with weights, well... I feel strong.

7:06 PM  
Blogger hot babe said...

And dude, where the hell are you? I'm in the middle of finals but am still able to post here & there. I need a consistent source of reading materials, Mister.

7:07 PM  
Anonymous DCMASSHOLE said...

That is one of the funniest and pretty accurate descriptions of the daily activites that occur at the gym. Have you encountered the people that like to read between sets or the woman next to you on the treadmill that smells like curry. (Maybe that is why I bought curry chicken at Trader Joes tonight.)

Oh, and don't forget the guys and girls the crop dust aka drop ass while working out. I had this one lady in my spin class passing gas and I mouthed to the instructor it was not me pointing to her. Bullshit, if I take the wrap for that.

Hey don't worry about the sweat. I'm with you I always have to switch my shirts between cardio and lifting. Muscle heads are ridiculous, but I do love the rest of the eye candy at my public gym.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Oh I love you Matt...I have neglected you blog shamefully because I have been crazy busy...but after reading this I mUST make a point to update myself on you everyday! Who wants to watch law and order at the gym!!!!
I was laughing so hard at this...plus do you know 60% of the members at my club think it is appropriate to wear jeans during their workout?????? This is so,so a best of 2005 post...you got it in just under the wire...

7:21 AM  
Blogger Stacy said...

Although kiddo's fitness tip sounds wonderful I have read a bunch of new research that says 60 minutes of activity a day is what you should be aiming for... damn those editors at prevention magazine...commiting me to a endless life of shin splints and side aches...

7:24 AM  
Blogger denverboy said...

I know Stacy - I wanted to believe kiddo's advice too (because Matt is at heart a very lazy boy), but had my doubts. I read an article on MSNBC last week on how to get rid of love handles and guess what the expert's advice was?
60 minutes of cardio at least four times a week! Which is what I'm doing now. So as long as I keep cutting down on the booze I should be doing OK by May! (I hope...)

And yeah - I need more Stacy comments on my blog!! Even if you have to lock your kid in the basement for an hour or two so you can blog - heh heh. Just kidding...or am I??

8:21 AM  

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