denver shenanigans

I hope you miss me too

2007-03-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

I’ve been checked out when it comes to writing, or really using my brain at all, lately, but I was reading my good friend hotbabe’s blog and saw her “I hope you miss me” entry. I’m going to steal her idea and jot down brief life highlights:

1. I went to Vegas at the beginning of February. I love that fucking place. I won $60 at the slots, sat outside in the sunny 70-something degree weather, went dancing at a couple gay clubs, ate at the $30 buffet at the Tropicana, went to a Louie Anderson comedy show (don’t EVEN give me shit about that), got laid (and NO, not by a hooker), saw a guy get killed, and only slept about two hours in almost three days.

2. Yes, I really saw a guy get killed. Around 4:30 a.m. on Saturday morning me and two of my buds saw a guy get hit by a car at about 40 m.p.h. He flew right out of his shoes. His friend hysterically tried to perform CPR on him, but to no avail.

3. The moment I got back from Vegas I got sick as a dog. I’m talking “stay at home and silently sob for days” sick. I’d guess approximately 90% of my office got sick as a dog in February. I don’t know what kind of hellish virus that was, but it was goddamn brutal. HR finally assigned a can of Clorox wipes to every pod and we were instructed to wipe down everything. My pod got Fresh scent!

4. I am now happily rededicated to my job. Don’t ask me how it happened, because I don’t exactly know. It sure beats wanting to kill yourself every day from 8-5, though.

5. I’ve started to see someone new very recently, but I’m still keeping McNeighbor on speed dial.

6. I went to a Nuggets game on Tuesday night and fell in love with one of the players. Now I’m consumed with figuring out how I can get a job in the Nuggets locker room.

7. It’s a sad feeling to realize that when you’re 31 and a really hot 21-year-old likes you and keeps hitting on you, that you have to gently push him away and just not go there. Because you don’t want to be THAT guy. And yet…

8. This year I will be getting back roughly $70 in State and Federal taxes. Last year I got well over ten times that. Sometimes I hate being a single man. Very rarely…but sometimes.

9. I got a Sonicare toothbrush for Christmas and it rocks. I don’t know what I was thinking using a regular, Stone-Age toothbrush for so long. The only problem is I’ve walked into my bathroom and caught Ernie licking it three times in the past couple of weeks. Gross.

10. Spring is finally in the air – we’ve got temps in the 60s and 70s for at least the next week and there’s a time change this weekend.
Ahhhhhh – we survived, Denverites!

my life

2007-01-24T12:04:00.000-07:00

My life seems to be going pretty well right now.
Just in case you were wondering.
I had a major case of the blues from Sunday through yesterday, but I guess that's to be expected, what with my normal manic-depressiveness and Denver's never-ending, snow-filled winter. Seriously – I know winter is supposed to be cold and snowy and just a general pain in the ass, but this is getting goddamn fucking ridiculous. It snows every weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. Bitches.

I'd like to tell you all that I'm dating the art teacher, but I haven't actually seen him since New Year's Eve day. And I don't think that really constitutes the typical definition of dating. Plus, we've never spent quality time together outside of the bar or my bed. Hmmm - I guess in a way, that is my typical definition of dating.

Yesterday I left work a little early to go to the gym and clean my apartment, and after showering and having a couple of bowls of cereal I sat down on the couch with a glass of wine to enjoy a nice, cozy evening at home with Grey's Anatomy. But then I got a random text message from a guy I've met a couple of times. He's a friend of a friend. I had forgotten I gave him my number a few weeks back - he lives in my neighborhood and we once drunkenly agreed that we should get together sometime at our friendly neighborhood bar for a beer. So we met at 9:00 and had some beers (and some tequila for me) and I decided to invite him back to my place, since it was just across the street and all. He was being really cute and shy, which works really well for him because he's also quite manly and muscle-y and the combo is fierce. His forearms are BURLY. I was just eating it up. Oh – and get this: he works for some mysterious government agency and he had to keep all details about his job very vague or else he'd have to kill me. HOT! SO eating it up.
I couldn't help but jump his bones. And it was good. I mean really good. Like, I can't stop thinking about him today good. Like, it isn't bothering me at all that I only got a little over three hours sleep good. Like, I sound like a fucking Yoplait commercial and I really couldn't care less good.
Thinking back on our conversation I do seem to remember him saying he's a Republican. Whatev. Who gives a shit about politics when the sex is amazing and the forearms are burly?

Oh – here's a funny, yet painful, side story. When I was getting ready to go meet him I walked right into my bed frame. You know, right into that supporting part with the wheel? MOTHERFUCKER. I swear I broke my poor middle toe. I started jumping around and screaming and carrying on, but I didn't have time to dwell on it because I was running late. So after me and C. did our thing and right after he left I happened to look at my foot and my toes were all bloody. Isn't that disgusting? I'm deformed.
One time I slept with a guy who obviously hadn't cut his toenails in about seventeen years and while we were having sex he slashed my foot with his big toe – only I didn't realize what had happened at first and my foot bled all over his expensive sheets. And then he had the nerve to get pissy with me about it. Freaky-ass long-toenail boy!

Anyway, work is absolutely crazy right now. Actually, it's been this way for months. It seems like I've always got at least ten to twenty projects swirling around. Coordinating everything has become such a bitch. Especially on sleepy days like today.
Hey – I guess the economy, at least in Denver, must really be improving. It has to be if everyone is building and remodeling.

I got the freakiest call from my mom last Friday. She had that bad news tone in her voice (god I hate that tone), and she told me that poor little Hailey had pneumonia in both lungs and she was most likely going to have to be flown to Sioux Falls. I totally fucking panicked and couldn't bring myself to work or sleep or socialize in any way and kept calling my sister over and over and over. I just can't handle worrying like that. There's no way I can ever, EVER have a kid. Uh-uh. No way. Not if I want to stay sane.
Everything turned out OK, though. By Saturday she was already doing much better on antibiotics and nebulizer treatments and didn't have to fly out after all. Thank god. I love that kid so much. She's such a little trooper.

In just a little over a week I'm going to Vegas! Me and six of my closest gay buds. I've never been to Vegas before.
Gee - I sure hope there aren't going to be any negative influences or ways to get into trouble there...
Maybe I can find a chick who wants to get married! Quickie Vegas marriage – yeah! My mother would be so happy…

when r u going to stick it?

2006-12-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

There is a certain someone I've mentioned before in this blog. I obviously don't want to write his name, since I don't even put the names of my dearest friends on here, so let's just call him…Satan.

The first couple of years I lived in Denver were not exactly the easiest years for me. I was in a strange new city with very few close friends, I was just about as poor as I could be and still be alive, my life and all my free time were consumed with graduate school and teaching and working as a coffee monkey, and for the first two years I lived in shitholes.
I could never do that again.
But at the time I didn't really know how challenging my life was. I was just coming out and it was exciting. Every time I went to a gay bar or talked to one of my two gay friends about things I was going through I felt like I was embarking on a new and exciting adventure. Embarking on my life.
But I was also terribly naïve. I didn’t comprehend how evil some gay boys can be. Evil just for the sake of being evil.

I met Satan one night at Charlie's my third year in Denver. It was at the point in my life where I was comfortable going to gay bars to hook up, but it was rare that I would actually know anybody or talk to anybody. He hit on me and we went over to the Wrangler and were making out within about ten seconds. I went back to his place, and we had the most amazing physical chemistry. He was one of the best looking and sexy guys I had ever hooked up with.

In the following months and years he proceeded to systematically treat me like a piece of dog shit. I was so stupid. Some nights he would talk to me, some nights he would ignore me, some nights he would insult me, some nights he would grab me by my package. He would tell me to meet him at his place after bar-close and then would just leave me sitting alone on his front steps chain-smoking Camel Light after Camel Light until I gave up and went home. He would dirty dance with me at the club, get me totally turned on, and then leave the club without telling me as soon as I went to the bathroom or to get another drink. He would ask me to meet him at the bar the day after we had hooked up and then show up holding hands with another guy.
I still have never figured out why he picked me to torture or why all the random cruelness was necessary, but once I had him out of my system I never looked back.
Well, not much.
Becoming friends with G. right around that same time helped a lot because she was the only other person other than me who understood how truly evil and black his soul was. And she would slap some fucking sense into me if my eyes so much as happened to meet his.

Of course I still see him out from time to time, but he gets no more than a head nod from me. I'm not going to scratch his eyes out or anything, but if anyone is looking for a late Christmas present for me that would be a lovely thought.
A couple weekends ago I met some buds at Broadway's for drinks and saw him there. I even stopped by his table and actually said "hi" to the son of a bitch. He asked me for my number. And instead of scratching his eyes out or throwing a drink in his face or doing something LOGICAL, I gave him my goddamn number. I am seriously so stupid it's not even funny.

Then he sent me a text message the night the first blizzard started:

Satan: Get over here
Me: *something about there being a major blizzard outside*
Satan: Im worth it trust
Me: *I have no idea*
Satan: Cause u know u want some booty
Me: *I have no idea*
Satan: K lets get together unless u have someone
Me: *I have no idea*
Satan: I have, ur scared lol i still love love u
Me: *something about not being able to get around in the blizzard*
Satan: Ur suv ? dont u live in Denver? U hot man

By that point I was in bed, asleep.

The messages I sent him are no longer in my cell phone, and I was totally drunk and stoned that night, so I can't remember exactly what my responses to his messages were.

And then just about an hour ago:
Satan: When r u going to stick it?

Does he seriously think he's being cute or clever or sexy?
When r u going to stick it???
Jesus. It sounds like a bad Prince song or something.

Years have passed since we slept together. I'm way better in bed, I'm way better looking, and I'm WAY more confident and aware of the rules.
And way more humble, obviously.

So I know – forget about it, right? I know he's not worth a moment of my time. And he's definitely not worth an entry on my blog.
But I am thinking about it. Fucking him one more time on my terms and then never speaking to him again. Or maybe fucking him and then saying something completely insulting to him. Or fucking him and then spreading a nasty, vicious rumor about him. Something – anything – to put a concrete end to that ridiculous chapter in my life.

Plus…he is fucking hot.

i'm lonely and i stink

2006-12-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

The blizzard has officially shut down most of Denver. I think there are about five people left in my office – everyone else has already left. This is truly a day not fit for man nor beast nor architect. The only people who choose to stay at work during a blizzard are those who are way too crazy busy to concern themselves with getting home alive, those who are so lame that a free afternoon means nothing to them so they might as well just stay at work and let the clock run down on their pathetic lives, or those like me who have only about 2.45 hours of Paid Time Off saved up and can't afford to leave early.

I had to reschedule my flight. There was no way I was getting out of here tomorrow morning. Luckily, United had one seat left on the flight to Aberdeen on Saturday morning, and they were also able to move my return date from Tuesday to Thursday. After I threw a little cash at the problem, that is. So all's well that ends well, I guess.

Except that I was standing in my shower for about two minutes this morning waiting for the hot water to come, and I waited…and waited…and waited – and then it got even colder. I screamed "FUCK" so loudly that Ernie ran and hid under the bed.
You see, I cannot begin a workday without a long, hot shower. Just don't fuck with my motherfucking shower motherfucker. So I stared at myself disbelievingly in the mirror for a minute or so, and then finally accepted that it just wasn't going to happen.

I really only have three major pet peeves in this world: hair in my food; no hot shower in the morning; and dumb but hot straight men who strut around as if they're god's gift.

It really sucks because my brain was prepared to check out for a week as of 5:00 today, and now I'm stuck here for the rest of the week. And what am I supposed to do tonight with a blizzard going on? I can't go have my xmas present exchange/dinner with G. I can't go grab a frosty brew at JR's with the boys. I can't even invite a super cute boy to brave the elements to spend some cozy cuddly time with me because I stink. Unless anyone out there happens to be into that…heh heh.

this ain't got nothin' to do with jebus

2006-12-19T14:49:00.000-07:00

I have nothing funny to write about. I have nothing bittersweet to write about. I have nothing heartbreaking to write about.
Man…I'm totally dry.
Scraping the bottom of the barrel.
There's got to be something interesting to say about my life…

OK – I'm going to try to focus and come up with a holiday post, even if it does turn out a bit random and pointless:

First up, my health: I bitch a lot when I'm sick, but that's because I'm a man and also a bit of a mama's boy. And, I also honestly have been sick since the beginning of October. First I had a huge, nasty cold, then the stomach flu, and then Thanksgiving week I caught another cold. Except this one didn't go away on its own. Finally last Friday I dragged myself to the doctor and was diagnosed with a sinus infection. I've never had a sinus infection before - at least not that I know of. So the doc hooked me up with Azithromycin and Duratuss and I’m feeling like a brand-new man. Snot-free! Yeah! Suck it sinus infection!
Gross.

Xmas shopping: I was pretty much broke and down to my last couple of dollars until I received my bonus last Friday. As soon as it was in the old bank account I started spending as if there's no tomorrow. Saturday was supposed to be all about xmas shopping for my family, and by the end of the day I had spent about $80 on them and $400 on me. I'm telling you, though, I have got some sick new shoes and shirts and even some hot new porn. It just doesn't get much better than that.

Travel plans: I fly back to Aberdeen on Thursday morning. And of course the weather is supposed to turn to shit here tonight through Thursday afternoon, and there are also supposedly going to be ice storms in South Dakota.
I'm flying in one of those little La Bamba airplanes.
Pray for Mojo.

Boys: Halloween boy is long gone. He was way too earnest and silly and would too often respond to things I said with a resounding "YAY!"
Yay?
YAY???
I'm sorry, but I don't think so.
BU-BYE.
As of right now, honestly, my feelings are torn between two people. One is a guy I just met two weekends ago. We talked all Friday night at JR's, and then I took him home. I haven't seen him in person since then, but we talk on the phone a lot.
Pluses: He's an art teacher currently attending grad school.
Minuses: He's a POOR art teacher currently attending grad school who is temporarily living with his parents.
The other guy is a really good friend who I can't seem to completely resolve my feelings for. Every month that goes by I seem to feel more confused.
I mean, he's my friend.
But we did hook up twice earlier this year.
But he's my FRIEND.
I invited him to go to the Colorado Symphony with me and he invited me to go to an Avalanche game with him. I introduced him to all my friends and he introduced me to all his friends.
I don't know – I think if we're going to stay tight as friends we need to stay away from any and all sexual situations from now on. Even though the guy gives head like gangbusters.
And, after all, I need good friends way more than I need pissy, lame ex-boyfriends.

T.V.: Right now I'm into Season Two of Gilmore Girls and Season One of Grey's Anatomy. They're both so goddamn cozy I can't stand it.

Social activities: Busy, busy, busy. 'Tis the season. I've been to a lot of holiday parties and such. Last weekend I had two on Saturday night. Tonight I'm having sushi with my three best gay buds – one of which I mentioned above. Tomorrow night I'm having dinner and exchanging presents with G.
I always feel like I've got to get as much socializing and partying done as possible before heading to S.D.
As if there is a vacuum of fun there. Which isn't true. It's just a different type of fun. Sober, wholesome family fun.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!

fun with silly e-mails

2006-11-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

(i.e. I should be busy working, but L. is WAY more entertaining than writing architectural case studies)
(i.i.e. the extraordinary healing power of my e-mails)

The last e-mail I received today was at 11:12 a.m. I haven't received another e-mail since then. Interesting e-mails make life worth living. They break up the monotony that is my work life.

Please, please god – let me receive an e-mail soon.
Like now.
Or…right now.
Nothing.
Why has god abandoned me?

Let me revisit a recent e-mail exchange with L.:

Matt: Are you feeling better today? I hope it wasn't my cold you caught! Especially because I still feel like ass two weeks later...

L: i feel better, but not great. i don't think it's your nasty cold...feels more like a mild form of the flu. either way, i don't want to be sick!!!

guess what? that boy from *** (who we met at the art show) isn't you know what! i had my friend get the scoop and she said she thinks he actually has a thing for the blondie we were talking with for awhile. bummer, huh? so now i feel like he may have been flirting with me and not you when he was showing us his piece...er, um, his art piece of course.

it's difficult with both of us being so attractive because it's hard to tell who's being hit on by who. :)

Matt: DANG. I guess the old gaydar was off on that little cutie. Funny...I was pretty sure. Still, with those young ones you can never really be sure. Seems like kids will sleep with anything these days.

I've been thinking about that *** guy who used to work here that we met at the show. He wasn't my usual type, but I loved his dry sense of humor and his accent. And the fact that he despised *** when he worked here. I couldn't get a clear reading on him, though. He kept touching me when he would walk by, and then he asked for my card so he could e-mail me.

God, I'm so desperate and pathetic and hungry for love!

And it IS a very heavy burden that we have to carry. Everyone wishes they could be hot and charming and stylish, but they don't realize how much work it actually can be on a day-to-day basis...

L: touché my hot-a$$ friend.

and i think you should just email *** instead of waiting on him to touch you...i mean get in touch with you. say something like, 'it was great meeting you and i was serious about you letting me know if you ever are in need of some marketing expertise, or anything else for that matter.'

Matt: Good idea! I only got his bro's business card, though, not his. Still, I could probably look it up online. And then maybe we could have gay babies???

OMG - I totally forgot to tell you what happened this morning. I was meeting with *** and *** to prepare for the big masterplanning conference we're hosting next week, and I opened up my Lab Book to take some notes (the one I used at the marketing conference we went to).
And of course I opened it right up to the page where I had written Matt + C.J. inside a big heart, with that "Do you want to hump? Yes/No" thing at the bottom.
I know they both looked right at it because we were standing around one of those big white pod thingies, but they just sort of glanced at each other and neither said anything. Embarrassing!!!

L: cj's going to ruin your life and he doesn't even know about it! your emails are making me laugh, which is making me feel much better, so thanks.

Matt: OH NO! My love for C.J. is going to end up completely destroying me!!
Damn his tall, dark good looks and festive red polo shirt that shows off his burly forearms!!!

L: but let's not forget about his bad black frankenstein shoes and pleated khaki pants...or are we supposed to forget about those ugly little details so he lives forever in our minds as the hottie we needed him to be for us that day???

Matt: Ahhh - no!
I'd finally just gotten myself to forget about those damn pleats!
I HAVE to, dammit!

sake-t to me baby

2006-11-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

OK – I'm way, way too busy at work right now to be wasting time on a post, but I could use the therapeutic release.
(Heh heh – I sound REALLY important, right? OHH! Look at me – I'm Mr. Busy Marketing Guy! Out of my way suckas!)

Anyway, first I've got a few comments on miscellaneous mass media topics:

* I love, love, love Thirty Rock. It is ever-so-amazing and I would switch teams for Tina Fey. Well, I least want to be her best friend and have tickle-fights with her.

* I love, love, love Borat. I haven't ever laughed that hard at a movie. I want to naked-wrestle Borat!

* I went to see Running With Scissors which is one of my favorite books.
I almost puked in horror. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible and a total disservice to the book.
Read the book. Don't gaze directly at the movie.

* One of my absolute favorite people ever has died – Ed Bradley. Seriously – I've always dreamed about who I'd want to interview me if I would ever become famous and there are really only two people: Barbara Walters or Ed Bradley. And now Mr. Bradley is gone. And Barbara ain't no spring chicken so I better hurry up and become famous or else it's stupid Diane Sawyer for me.

Work has been absolutely crazy for the past few weeks. Three major proposals were handed off to me last Thursday, and of course I promptly woke up with a virulent stomach flu on Friday morning.
Of course, being the stud that I am, I valiantly attempted to come into work anyway – "No…time…to…be…sick! Must…get….to………..WORK!" – but by 11:00 I realized I am just a normal man after all and dragged my sick ass back home. And I got sick as a dog. It was nas-tay. I was so sad and felt so sorry for myself. No one to take care of poor, dehydrated Matt, who couldn't even bear to take a sip of water. And there was nothing on T.V. at 7:00 except for "Mama's Family," which actually isn't that bad of a show. And Bubba is hot and his package is huge.

I came into work on Sunday to start catching up and it feels like I haven't left since, except for brief periods to get a few hours of sleep.
Then my mom called me crying on Monday. My mom has only called me crying three times: once when my grandma died; once when my grandpa died; and the first year I lived in Denver when she had to have my childhood dog put to sleep. Turns out my parents' dog is full of cancer and has stopped eating. He's only six and he's the best dog ever. Poor little Einstein.

So last night I had no choice but to go out to Sushi Sasa with L. and drink tons and tons of hot sake and big, huge Japanese beers. And I have to say – it snapped me out of my funk!
Well, at least until I got into work this morning and was attacked by a pack of Principals with a whole new round of work for me.

what in the hell is the deal with matt???

2006-10-31T17:22:00.000-07:00

That seems like a valid question to lead off this post.
Well, I decided about a month ago to end the blog.
I had multiple reasons for my decision, but was having trouble writing the final entry and just letting go.
Since the last time I posted until about twenty minutes ago I've had absolutely no desire at all to write or post. None.

I will say that life has felt pretty tough and gnarly almost all of October. There's not one overall reason I can point to, although going to a family member's funeral doesn't exactly tend to brighten up your month. I think a hyperawareness of death has caused me to want to retreat into my own private world, while at the same time my social schedule has been very full the past few weeks so I've had to suck it up and get my antisocial ass out there in the world.
Also, the cold I caught almost a month ago has really hung in there in my chest. I still sometimes have gravelly, sexy sick-man voice. And lots of nasty morning phlegm. *HACK*

But!
Since about a week and a half ago I've felt better than I've felt in a LONG time. Again, no one overall reason, but it's a big relief. So…here are some random updates:

Halloween has been awesome. Two Fridays ago I went to a haunted house and got fucking freaked out. I am no good with haunted houses. Even mildly cheesy ones.
Last week my office decorated Halloween cookies for Project Angel Heart. I think I'm going to start volunteering for them on a more regular basis.
Last Thursday I went to a pumpkin carving party, where L. and I collaborated on the craziest goddamn pumpkin you've ever seen. And yet somehow we won second place! She's also a marketer so we attributed our win to our ability to market anything – even a sketchy, crazy-ass pumpkin.
And then on Saturday I went to a big gay Halloween party. I was Will Ferrell from the "More Cowbell" SNL sketch. I looked hot.
I'm not sure what tonight holds. I'm meeting some folks at Steubens for a drink, then maybe hitting the Uptown Tavern. But I'm not getting dressed up in my costume again. That moment has come and gone.

La Salsa on 17th & Stout closed without warning. I'm really not prepared to live my life without the possibility of La Salsa for lunch at least three times a week. I know there is at least one more La Salsa somewhere out there in the Denver-metro area, but that really doesn't do me a whole lot of good.

I've just started spending time with someone who I think I could potentially like a whole lot. He falls into my usual pattern of dating guys way younger than me, but he seems really mature and put together and…well, I'm not going to get ahead of myself here.
He invited me to his place on Saturday night after the bar had closed, and the poor guy had had WAY too much to drink. So he started puking about every five minutes. I eventually got him quieted down and tucked into bed and went home alone at around 4 a.m. Still, I find it quite encouraging that I viewed the whole situation in a very light-hearted, caretaking kind of way instead of being totally annoyed and disgusted by it.

I had another strange situation occur with a guy I just met a couple weeks ago. We were introduced at a party, and he just kept staring at me. It took me about two minutes to figure out he totally has a crush on me. And he seems really nice, but here's the thing: his face looks EXACTLY like my cousin's wife's face. They're identical. And that is just too fucking weird.

Daylight savings is bullshit.

I'm going to early voting tomorrow. I've never voted outside of a presidential election before, but there are a couple issues on the ballot that could seriously affect my life as a gay man. Even if it seems extremely unlikely at this point in my life, there is a chance that I'll be in a domestic partnership someday.

up and down and up and down

2006-10-05T12:21:00.000-06:00

Up: Having sex with the hot neighbor two Saturdays ago.

Down: Finding out he came down with a cold on Sunday. By Thursday afternoon coming down with it myself.

Up: Hitting the road to S.D. on Friday. Four-day weekend baby!!!

Down: Driving across Nebraska.

Up: Listening to the new Scissor Sisters and Justin Timberlake CDs about five times each. Favorites: "Paul McCartney," "The Other Side" and "LoveStoned."

Down: Kicking off five consecutive nights of getting approximately two hours of sleep per night on Friday night.

Up: Going to the college homecoming parade with my niece on Saturday morning. She likes to get her groove on when the marching bands go by.

Down: Mixing an unwise amount of DayQuil and margs on Saturday afternoon/evening and ending up an unresponsive lump on the couch watching hours and hours of The History of Drugs on the History Channel. Love that shit. People were fucked up back in the day.

Up: Waking up to the most beautiful fall day ever on Sunday.

Down: Spending the day with my grandpa in the nursing home, seeing how badly he had deteriorated since I'd been home in July.

Up: Having my niece bring a ray of sunshine into my grandpa's room when she arrived. Having her tell me I'm her best friend (cut to my extremely jealous mom). I AM really entertaining to be around. Well, at least if you're four.

Down: The drive back on Monday. Eleven of the most excruciating hours of my life. First time I've ever pulled off the road to try to sleep. I couldn't.

Up: Getting home alive!

Down: Finding out on Tuesday morning that my grandpa had died during the night.

Up: My parents offering to pay for me to fly directly into Aberdeen for the funeral. And that wasn't cheap.

Down: A disappointing Creative Marketing Seminar at the Adams Mark on Tuesday. Totally for sales-type marketers. And the coffee was terrible.

Up: Getting to hang with L. at the seminar all day. Mocking the fugly attendees and the overly-perky/non-politically correct presenters, having lunch with wine at Maggiano's, and skipping the pointless final session to drink beers and play darts at the Supreme Court.

Down: Having to come back to the office after the beers because I'm so far behind on work.

Up: Finally getting back to the gym yesterday and sweating out all the sickness, stress, DayQuil residue, etc.

Down: Having to choose between the Project Runway reunion show and the season premiere of Lost. Lost won.

Up: The hot neighbor coming over at 10:00 with Mike's Cranberry Lemonades (??) and his hot, hot body.

Draw: Another night of far too little sleep…but I didn't once think about work or funerals or the fact that I wasn't sleeping!

random thoughts after the lunch hour

2006-09-25T15:11:00.000-06:00

Hello – I obviously haven't been in the mood to write lately, but the good old blog has been gathering a lot of cobwebs so I'll try to rattle off a few thoughts.

There's some crazy shizz going on outside my office building right now. Lots and lots of fire trucks and cop cars and even dudes in Hazmat suits. Rumor is that someone received a suspicious letter/package on the 27th floor.
So lame.
Anthrax is so 2001.

I had forgotten how a hot, crazy, hardcore sex session can work your muscles like nothing else. I work out three times a week and after having sex all Saturday night my legs are so outrageously sore I can barely walk.
Heh heh.
Of course I'm not expecting any pity here.
But I can't help but wonder…if I had a boyfriend who was as good at sex as this guy would I have the most unbelievably buff legs EVER??
I'm going to keep almost every detail of this little rendezvous totally secret, but I just have to spill one little tidbit. Guess who it was with? The guy who heard me baby-talking to my cat! Ha – score one for pet baby-talkers everywhere!!!

I'm digging fall so much, but it always seems to be gorgeous during the week and then cold on the weekends. Like every weekend for the past month. It's bullshit.
Although yesterday actually turned out to be pretty nice, and I sat outside the REI Starbucks and drank green tea and massaged my sore legs and kept watch for hot bicycle riders' asses in tight stretchy shorts.
I'm driving home on Friday for a long weekend, and I'm excited to see diverse foliage. All the leaves here just turn gold.

Well, fall TV has begun and so far everything is pretty good. I watched The Amazing Race and Desperate Housewives last night and they were entertaining. Last week I watched Studio 60 and really liked it a lot. Even though I always violently hated Matthew Perry on Friends I liked him in this show. I think Survivor has been totally lame so far – and that has nothing to do with the whole race thing. It's just boring. I purposely stayed at home last Wednesday instead of going to meet a bud for a drink, only to have Bravo air repeats of Project Runway.
For shame Project Runway.
For shame.

Has anyone else seen any other must-see TV shows?

There's a chance I might get to attend some sort of an early preview breakfast at the new Denver Art Museum tomorrow. A coworker of mine is a member and if her friend has to go to jury duty, I'm in! Otherwise I'll have to wait until October 7th like everyone else to check it out.
And I really do prefer to get special treatment.

addiction and annoying gym couples

2006-09-05T12:00:00.000-06:00

I'm addicted to watching T.V. shows on DVD. I spend a lot of time thinking about my beloved shows and exactly when I'll have the chance to watch another episode. Sometimes I'll be out partying with my friends and I'll excuse myself early in the evening because I can hear the siren song of my stories. Currently, I feel the most stress when I can't get my fix because some asshole has checked out the DVD I need. At the moment I'm watching Project Runway – Season Two, and I just finished up the second season of Nip/Tuck.
Brilliant!
But I haven't been able to get my hands on season three of Nip/Tuck or discs three and four of Project Runway. I even signed up for Blockbuster online in an attempt to expedite the whole process.
OK – so in my queue I put the first two discs of Nip/Tuck, In Her Shoes (totally, totally gay, but so satisfying – any movie that opens with "Stupid Girl" and stars Shirley McLaine is an instant classic in my book) and Lemony Snicket (beautifully shot, but lame - Jim Carrey ruined the whole thing. If I wanted to see Ace Ventura all over again I'd have rented that instead). You can only have three movies at a time so of course what did they send me? The two movies and DISC TWO of Nip/Tuck.
Huh? I mean, I'm sure it's all automated, but WTF??
So now I'm in hell because I'm sitting on disc two, but I can't watch it because I have to watch the first three episodes first.
Honestly – Blockbuster online is the most heinous villain since Hitler.

On another topic - I can finally say - with all humbleness - that my semi-obsessive gym attendance appears to FINALLY be paying off. I had decided a year ago to seriously up my cardio and also to make a half-assed attempt at cutting down on shitty foods and alcohol. And I actually have lost ten pounds since last fall, although when I look at myself naked in the mirror it's hard for me to tell if my body has visibly changed. The one place I can definitely tell I've lost weight is in my face (unfortunately, double chins and love handles appear to be part of my genetic code).
I figure if I can lose about another five pounds I can be satisfied with myself. After all, there's got to be a little something to grab onto, right??
I mean, if I were straight – god forbid - I'd probably be married with three kids and topping 215 pounds at this point in my life.

I was at the gym on Sunday afternoon and the cutest fucking couple I've ever seen in t-shirts and spandex sauntered in. They were both gorgeous and had 1% body fat and were perfectly coiffed and had asses of steel. I was seriously mesmerized by the guy's perfect ass and calves and the girl's rock-hard boobs. If they're not having the hottest sex ever, there is something seriously wrong with them.
But of course they had to be douchebags. Nobody that beautiful can possibly be cool. I almost had a stroke when the guy would take a break from his weight lifting to walk up to the girl doing her elliptical and give her a little kiss. You've got to be fucking kidding me, right? I made a disgusted sound, but every sound coming out of my mouth probably sounds disgusting when I'm working out, and they didn't notice. And what were they watching on T.V. (cranked to an ear-splitting level, of course)? Animal Planet. Freaks. They thought it was just so cute and kept laughing and laughing at the antics of the little wolves, or whatever they were. And then when I looked over at the T.V. I saw a big wolf dragging an antelope carcass across the prairie.
Jesus. I made a disgusted sound. The beautiful people didn't notice.

Why am I so disgusted by people in love? Why do I want to run them down with my Camry? It's got to just be one of those things - like how you hate small children until you have one or how you want to gouge out your eyes every time you see a pair of Crocs until you actually wear them.
Just kidding. I will never wear a pair of Crocs.

All right - here is one more little random weekend story. P. had about ten gay boys over to his new condo on Saturday evening to check it out. I had met everybody there before except for one guy who showed up around 9:00. And I definitely thought he was the cutest. He was kind of a slender guy with black hair and funky glasses and an amazing smile. He also had a cool belt. We were talking for about a half hour and I really kind of started to have the feelings for him, and then I made the mistake of asking him what year he was born.
1987.
Yep – 1987.
In 1987 I was twelve.
I'm sorry, but I just don't think I can justify screwing around with someone who's barely legal…can I? And just to make it a little more difficult I found out from one of my buds that this kid thinks I'm cute. Blimey!
I can't do it. I just can't.
But, of course, now I'm obsessed with it.

downtown landmines

2006-08-24T12:14:00.000-06:00

Watch out if you happen to be walking around downtown Denver this afternoon my friends.

For starters, the D.A.R.E. table is out on the Mall. I had assumed that D.A.R.E. had gone the way of Hypercolor t-shirts and Saved By the Bell except for those super cool people who still wear the t-shirt in an ironic way that had its day back in the 90's, but I was oh-so-wrong. And let me tell you – the D.A.R.E. of 2006 is aggressive. These days D.A.R.E. screams at you to come over to their sad little table. I managed to completely avoid them today on my lunch break, but a few weeks ago I wasn't so lucky when I was walking home and came upon them stationed outside Office Depot.

D.A.R.E. Girl: Hey – come over here!

(I turn up my iPod)

D.A.R.E. Girl: HELLO – sir! Do you have a moment to stop by our table?

Me: No, I couldn't possibly. I actually like to do drugs.

D.A.R.E. Girl: Ha - that's OK! Come on over!

Me: No, seriously, I try to get kids hooked on drugs.

D.A.R.E. Girl: Oh you! Come here silly!!!

OK – I actually didn't say that I get kids hooked on drugs, but I did say the first part and it didn't faze her a bit. Not one bit. Crazy anti-drug bitch.

Today there are also crazed packs of teenagers with wicked-looking forms randomly stopping people on the Mall for god-knows-what reason. I was avoiding the packs like live landmines. I saw one guy trapped in the middle of the Mall curled up on a chair with a dazed look on his face surrounded by five kids. Poor bastard. He never had a chance.
Two girls snagged me in front of Republic Plaza. I pretended to be a busy business executive (hey – its' not a total stretch of the imagination) – I furrowed my brow intensely, glanced at my watch, and barked out "I'm on my way to an important business meeting!"

Heh heh. Burly.

notes from the weekend

2006-08-15T16:49:00.000-06:00

At around 8:00 on Friday night I knew I wasn't in the mood to go out. I was just tired and crabby and feeling antisocial, but during lunch that day with my buds we agreed to meet up at a bar on Broadway between 9:00 and 9:30, so I felt obligated to go out for at least a drink. They never showed up. Or called or texted to tell me they weren't going to be showing up. Which did very little to improve my mood.

Luckily, I can always count on B. to meet me for a few hundred drinks at any sort of bar, because he's just fucking cool like that. So I texted him up real nice, and he came and saved me from my loser-ness. I was SO over it at that point though, and when I looked at my watch and saw it was only 11:00 and I felt like I was going to punch someone in the neck any second I figured I better get myself home.

Saturday I tried to lighten up a little bit. I met G. for brunch at Snooze - a cool new breakfast place downtown. I really liked it a lot. Good prices, big mugs of coffee, great mimosas. Afterwards I went and bought some happiness at SuperTarget. I'm always amazed - there are just so many good-looking men there on Saturday afternoon. Gay, straight, whatev. I feel turned-on the whole time I’m there. And slightly flushed from all the low, low prices…

While I was shopping the boy called and asked if I wanted to go to the Eagle with him and a couple friends that night. I was really excited, but also a little apprehensive due to the fact that the Eagle has this whole leather dress-policy thing I'd heard people talk about. You can wear certain things, can't wear other things, etc. And in case you don't know me, I'm not exactly the burly leather type. Well, I like to believe that I'm a little burly, but I'm not really into chains and testicle separators and stuff. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I could maybe get into cock rings.
Maybe.

So I went to meet them and passed dress code – ha – and I actually really liked the place a lot. It's a cool space, everyone is really laid back, and you can actually carry on a conversation without ear-piercing, thumping music drowning everything out. I was feeling happier, I looked semi-burly, and I was with a cute guy who intrigues me and has great conversation skills. Everything was looking up. Then around 1:00 I went to the bathroom, and I was looking in the mirror pushing up my glasses when – SNAP. They completely disintegrated. The left side completely snapped off, loosening the left lens piece, throwing the whole system out of whack. All I could do was stare blankly at the wreckage and try to figure out my next move. Could I possibly do a McGyver fix-up??
It was just so strange. It was the last thing I expected to happen. And I'm useless without my glasses. The boy told me to just go blind, but Matt minus his glasses in a dark club plus guys wandering around in buttless chaps = potential for DISASTER. So I had to leave. I honestly looked like I was a special needs guy - in my big silly boots with crazy broken glasses. Ugh, what a nightmare. So that REALLY put me off my good mood.

I only have one pair of disposable, one-day wear contacts left so I'm wearing my old glasses. Which suck. I look like such a hoser. And of course, every.single.goddamn.person I've come into contact with has had to comment on them.

"Ohh – I love your new glasses!"
"Ohh – you got new glasses!"
"Something looks different – are those new glasses?"
"Hey you – I'm noticing your glasses!"

I am so annoyed by it. I don't want to be wearing these glasses and I don't want everybody to feel the need to say something about my motherfucking old, old, OLD glasses. Just leave it alone bitches!

On the bright side, I bought a new pair yesterday over lunch. Something I probably should have done at least a year ago. Right now the jury is still out on whether it will be possible to temporarily fix my broken ones so I can stop feeling like everyone is staring at me.

matt stops by starbucks on a sleepy friday morning

2006-08-11T14:18:00.000-06:00

Matt: May I please get a grande drip with room?

Barista: Oh, um – sorry! Our coffee brewers aren't working this morning so we don't have any regular coffee.
(she makes a pouty face, then brightens)
Can we get you an Americano instead??

Matt: Mmmm – I don't really want an Americano. Let's see…you probably don't have iced coffee brewed either…?

Barista: Yes we do! Do you want a grande iced coffee?!

Matt: Yeah.
(holds out $2, which covers a grande drip.)

Matt: Can I assume I'll get the grande iced coffee for the price of a normal grande coffee, since you didn't have what I wanted?

Barista: No, we don't have the regular coffee today! Sorry!

Matt: Yes – I understand, but since you can't give me the regular coffee I wanted I'm not going to have to pay more for the iced coffee, right?

Barista: OK, your iced coffee is going to be $2.22 with tax!

Matt: Uh-huh, but a grande drip is under $2 with tax. I only brought $2 with me.

(pause)

Barista: I LIKE coffee!

Matt: Ugh. Here's my credit card.

Barista: Alrighty - you have a great day sir, mm-kay?!!

Matt: *sigh*
(slow burn)

The end.

the indestructible budding gay relationship

2006-08-10T14:24:00.000-06:00

I have a little crush on someone.
However, I refuse to get my hopes up regarding the situation. I'm going to be as realistic and grounded and as "expect-the-least" as I can be. Not because I'm a total pessimistic asshole (well, sometimes I am), but what's the point in getting your hopes up time after time only to have them repeatedly dashed against the many potential craggy obstacles to gay romance?
(if you're onto my gig, you know what I mean)

Plus, our road to romance has been a little rough so far. I've been aware of him for quite a while, but we were first introduced to each other around six months ago. Then he sent me a random e-vite through connexions for his birthday party last winter. It was a big party at a fabulous gay couples' house packed with gay men. I tried to get his attention and spend some time with him, but didn't really have the chance. He was busy mingling with all his friends, so I entertained myself by enjoying the open bar and the hot bartender.

I can't remember exactly when it happened, but one Sunday night last spring he had been at the beer bust all afternoon and was being silly drunk and asked if he could kiss me and I said go for it. He was definitely in the top 10% of people I've kissed (no comments from the peanut gallery on that one).
But that led to nothing, except for a little chit-chat here and there when we'd see each other out.

But then about a month ago we bumped into each other and hung out on a Friday night, and I gave him a ride home and he invited me in. Before we knew it, it was 5:30 in the morning, and he told me that he always wakes up at 7:00 a.m. no matter what time he goes to bed, so I got the hell out of there. Even though I kind of wanted to stay.

We had a few semi-awkward run-ins over the next couple weeks, but no follow-up. Last Saturday night we started texting back and forth. He was at JR's, but I wasn't in the mood. I told him I was going to the Wrangler.
I don't know why, but I started flirting and getting cozy with some random Army guy.
I don't know why.
Because I can, I guess. Then I felt someone tap my shoulder, I turned around, and it was him. I know we don't owe each other anything, but I felt really guilty. Like a little kid with my hands in the camouflage cookie jar. And to make it worse, he left almost immediately, and then sent me a text telling me I looked really good that night. Ouch.

I've tried to make amends. I've invited him to go out with my Bahamas ladies and I two Fridays from now. And then he was nice enough to offer to make me dinner at his new place sometime.
So maybe we're on the track to something good.
Or maybe I'm crazy.

Is this budding relationship going to boom or bust? It's hard to say.

Anyway, moving on - one of my biggest gross-out pet peeves – maybe THE biggest – is finding a hair in my food. I can't stand it and can rarely bring myself to eat food from the offender ever again. I have already lost Jimmy John's and Sugar Beat to my peeve. And I seriously used to eat at Sugar Beat at least three times a week.
Today I found a short and curly in my Quizno's. So, basically, I'm fucked. I'm running out of places to eat that I enjoy.
Seriously – if Falafel King and Chipotle let me down I MAY starve to death.

But whatev.
I am still in a downright good mood today! I don't know why. If anyone has been waiting to ask me for a favor, today is the day my friends!

PS – That was just an expression. I'd rather not be asked for favors, thank you.

I appreciate your cooperation.

XXOO

the weekend

2006-08-02T11:42:00.000-06:00

My parents came into town on Thursday and left Sunday morning. So for four days I was either at work or on the go with the rents. I'm still exhausted.

Thursday night we had dinner at Il Fornaio in LoDo. I had never been there before, and it was really tasty. My mom is so cute – she was convinced our flamingly gay, middle-aged waiter had a crush on her. I didn't have the heart to correct her and tell her he was giving me the old slutty eye. Seriously – every time this guy opened his mouth a purse fell out.

Friday night we went to the Country Dinner Playhouse. OK – if you've never been, and you happen to be in the Denver metro area, you should seriously check it out. It's a trip, I'm telling you. It's this strange mix of down-home quaintness (complete with checkered tablecloths and low, red-tinted lighting), elaborate singing and dancing numbers, and the shittiest buffet this side of the Mississippi. But you can drink a lot and it just gets more and more fun as the night goes on. Especially when it dawns on you that almost everyone there under the age of 50 is a gay guy (well, all three of us who were under 50).
Our waiter was part of the show, so he got us our drinks, then ran off and did some jazz hands, fab-U-lous, Liza-with-a-Z shit, then came back and got us more drinks, and so on. Then the main show started – on this particular night the show was an ode to big band numbers – and I soon realized I had a huge crush one of the performers. According to his bio he's a dancer who moved here from Boston and… I don't know. I think I want to have gay babies with him. So there I am with mom and pop, halfway blitzed on cheap wine, mouth hanging open staring at this CUTIE.
And I don't have anything else to say about that. It was awesome.

Saturday morning we went to Colorado Mills to do some shopping. Every time I picked something up, or even so much as looked at something, my mom had to buy it for me. Now, I'm not complaining, mind you, but what exactly is the age where you should start feeling embarrassed about your parents not allowing you to pay for anything at all? Seriously – they bought all my meals, drinks, everything that happened to enter my field of vision at the mall, we had a little shopping spree at the liquor store, and they even got me a silly oil change!
Like I already said, I'm not complaining but sheesh…freeload much Matt?

That night we went to the Rockies game. I have to say, that was just about as lit as I've been in front of my parents in as long as I can remember. From what I recollect I consumed: seven $6 beers; a bag of sunflower seeds; half a bag of peanuts; a gross hot dog (I MUST have been really drunk to eat that); some nachos; and Dippin' Dots. I'd never had Dippin' Dots before, and I'm afraid to say they were quite disappointing. I'm sorry, but I expected more. Christ – I had the worst gut-rot the next day. After the game I made sure my parents got back to their hotel in one piece, then I walked home up the Mall, and fell onto my couch, too wiped to go out and meet the boys for a late-night drink, even though they kept texting and texting and TEXTING.

I met my parents for breakfast on Sunday morning and then they hit the road. I decided I wanted to be as non-productive with my day as possible, so I started off by going to the park to catch some rays. I ended up bumping into and lying out with this guy I hooked up with a few months ago. We were lying out for about an hour, and we were sweating our asses off because it was hot as a crotch this weekend, so he asked if I wanted to go take a cool shower, and yada yada yada – it was the best shower I've taken in a LONG time. I'm sorry, but if there's anything better than fooling around in a cool shower on a blisteringly hot day with a burly man I don't know what it is.

After that silliness, I had just enough time to run home and change before L. and two of our friends from the Bahamas wedding picked me up to see The Devil Wears Prada. I thought it was great. I mean, I wasn't expecting Citizen Kane or anything. I just had a few good laughs and LOVED Meryl Streep.
Then I grabbed a couple tequila shots at JR's and flirted with all the drunk beer bust boys before hitting the sack nice and early.
Lovely.

a wednesday post

2006-07-26T12:31:00.000-06:00

I know I haven't been blogging much lately. I just haven't been in the mood. But I acknowledge that I really hate when my favorite bloggers get lazy and I click on their blogs day after day in a fruitless attempt to find something new and entertaining.
Right Joe?

Of course, I'm being egotistical to the point that I'm assuming some people out there consider me one of their favorite bloggers.
RAWR.

Since work has been delightfully busy and I haven't had time to write the past few weeks, I'm just going to do a quick, lazy-ass, no-main-theme, random post:

OK – I'm determined not to dwell on it, but I really hate men. Seriously. Things have begun to change a bit in my head over the past few months, and I guess I've just started to expect a little more from them. Or maybe just want a little more from my interactions with them.
The problem is that they didn't get the memo.

So last weekend I decided to just enjoy the company of my friends and a few shots of tequila and just let nature take its course. No worries.
Friday night I had a great time, met a couple cool new people, whatev.
However, on Saturday night my libido kicked in. That always gets me into trouble. Well, lately, gets me downright frustrated. Anyway, I was with my two buds and one of them introduced me to an acquaintance of his. My two buds eventually left, and me and the acquaintance kept hanging out. He was a really interesting guy – and friggin' cute – AND single, but recently went through a break-up. So we got to know each other and even filthy-talked a little bit, but he was clear about the fact that he wasn't completely over his ex. And I was fine with that. I mean, at least he was nice and smart and fun to talk to. And seemingly had feelings. But then, when he was leaving, he gave me a hug goodbye, felt my stomach, and said, "Oh. You have a gut."
Yep.
I don't think he could have said anything else at that moment that would have sucked more. I'm so hypersensitive about my gut right now. I know it's stupid and irrational and there are so many more important things to worry about in this short life but…what can I say? It hurt my feelings.
I went home and collapsed on my bed and stared at the ceiling. A torrential downpour outside would have been a nice touch, but I can still manage to wallow in dry weather.

Well, this weekend I’m not going to be dwelling on douchebag men because my parents are going to be in town. I really like when my parents come to town, especially because they don't stay with me. We get to do a lot of shopping, good eating, sight-seeing, maybe take in a show or baseball game or whatever. Nice and easy.

I've restructured my reality show viewing while my favs are on hiatus. You know what I'm watching now? Project Runway and Big Brother. I've never watched either of them before. Big Bro is OK, I guess. Kind of slow and pointless. Good-looking people though! OMG – Howie's nipples alone are reason enough to watch. Project Runway seems pretty sweet. I'd always heard a lot of good things about it. Plus it seems to be constantly running on either Bravo or NBC, so I figure it'll be pretty hard to miss an episode.

I really meant to see a lot of movies this summer. I even have a list of the ones I want to see: The Devil Wears Prada, Superman, Strangers with Candy, and a couple others. I almost went to see Superman alone on Sunday night, but then decided to stay home and drink a bottle of wine and feel sorry for myself. I'm supposed to be going to The Devil Wears Prada with L. and the Bahamas girls on Sunday. That should be pretty funny.

I was sick as a DOG last week. Monday I came down with some sort of psycho chest cold, and by Friday it had totally morphed into the nastiest head cold in recorded history. And unfortunately I had this lame presentation skills conference to attend all day Friday at the Hyatt. I totally felt like death warmed over and could barely focus my eyes and silence the pounding in my head, let alone learn something. The only joy of my day was freaking out the poor sucker sitting next to me with my constant coughing and sneezing and sniffling and blowing of my nose. And getting La Salsa for lunch.

Well, I think that's about enough for now. I really do have a ton of work to do, so I better get back to it. Then I have to go home and clean up my place real sparkly-like for the parents. Then meet P. for a couple drinks on a patio somewhere.

Hope everyone is doing well.

my bullshit weekend

2006-07-18T15:23:00.000-06:00

I had high hopes for my weekend. But everything seemed to turn out all wrong.

Friday:
On my way to work I bumped into the hot guy from my building. We've hung out a couple times since he overheard me baby-talking to my cat last spring, and I do believe we've gotten past the awkwardness of it. I even gave him a ride home from the bar one night, although nothing happened. He said he would call me to meet up somewhere that night. I, of course, was giddy.

While I was getting ready to go out that night I got a text from an acquaintance whom I spent some time with two weekends ago. We even had a quasi-date (that was actually caused by me accidentally pulling a "leave-behind" of my watch on his bedroom floor) last week that strictly involved talking and getting to know each other and no hanky-panky. The text asked me what I was up to, if I wanted to hang out, blah blah blah. I, of course, was giddy.
At that point I had two quality prospects!

When I got to the bar I find out from my buddy that the text I had received had been a cheesy group text message. I never heard from my neighbor.
Cut to me sitting alone in front of my T.V. at 3 a.m.

Saturday:
I was invited to a pub crawl by one of my friends. It started late-afternoon. Now, I foolishly assumed that pub crawl meant traveling from one air-conditioned bar to the next and getting pleasantly drunk. Turns out it meant taking a walking tour of LoDo in 105 degree heat and stopping for one drink in the first couple of hours. I was stunned. And sober. And sweaty as hell.

But I felt a little better when a guy I'd spent most of Pride Sunday hanging out with texted me asking what I was up to. I said I needed a cold drink and he said to meet him at the Wrangler. So I did, and then spent over an hour watching him shamelessly flirt with someone else while basically ignoring me. And I did see one really good-looking guy standing by himself, but was too shy to approach him…or maybe at that point my spirit was broken?

Sunday:
Determined to end my weekend without the distraction and stress of any more gay bullshit I did some reading in the park, worked out super hard, and then met one of my straight buddies at Gov's Park for dinner. Our waitress was one of those super-friendly, jolly types who actually sits down with you, chit-chats, has a few laughs, etc.
That is she WAS, until I complained about the chicken on my pomegranate chicken salad. It was disgusting. It was completely overcooked and looked like an autopsy. You couldn't even poke a fork through it.
Seriously – she switched on her cold, pissed-off bitch personality immediately. She angrily yanked the plate away and ignored us the rest of the time we were there, even when our beers had been empty for 20 minutes. She only stopped by again to drop off the bill. PSYCHO.
So, in an attempt to salvage the last shreds of my lame-ass, pathetic weekend I went home and put in the Nip/Tuck DVD I had just rented that afternoon. It immediately started freezing and skipping.
That was it.
I gave up and went to bed at 9:00.

TA-DA! Matt's bullshit weekend!

snack time!

2006-07-07T11:36:00.000-06:00

Jesus christ.
At about 11:00 my blood sugar level completely bottomed out, but instead of going for something really bad for my love handles I decided to eat some pea pods.
The bag says "Washed & Ready to Eat Stringless Sugar Snap Peas – A Preservative Free Naturally Sweet Snack."
Well. I think they're just a little full of themselves.
And son of a bitch if I didn't almost choke on one – seriously – and then bite THE HELL out of my lip while chewing on another.

I think I'm going to have Steak Escape complete with greasy fries for lunch.
Just to be on the safe side.

yo!

2006-07-05T10:36:00.000-06:00

Hey all – I haven't been around for over a week now because I've been out cruising around this great country of ours. And - if I ever express the desire to take a road trip ever again I want someone to hold me down and slap some goddamn sense into me.
JESUS.
I don't think I'll be able to get into a car again for at least another six months.
Especially since I almost hit a deer AND a cat and about 6,000 pheasants and some douche literally came within feet of decimating me in South Dakota and I had to drive through five separate torrential downpours on Interstate 80 yesterday and almost hydroplaned myself into oblivion.
FUCKSTICK.

I'm hoping I'll be able to get Hello working again because I have some really cute pictures of Pride weekend and also some goddamn ADORABLE pictures of my niece. Although I only realized last night after I'd gotten home that I didn't take a single pic of the two of us together.
Anyway, she'll be four in September and she is just the best person I've ever interacted with. She's just a little lovebug, but still has a bit of my family's trademark sassmouth which makes her fun and not too lovey-cheesy.

So Barney alerted me to the fact that Get Real Denver linked to me. Sweet! Now I'll have to keep my eye out more than ever for those crazy Real World kids. And I'll try to write something a little more juicy than "Duh – I walked by the hot Real World guy. Duuuuh."
I'll try to grab his ass!
Mm-kay?

PS – It was just my bday so be sure to send me many happy bday wishes please.
And buy me a tequila shot if you happen to be in Denver!
*Muah!*

ramblings

2006-06-23T12:10:00.000-06:00

I started my Pride celebration last night. Crazy JR's/tequila/cheap beer fest.
You know, everyone claims that once you turn 30 you can't quite party the way you used to. I haven't necessarily found that to be true.
I have found, however, that I don't like feeling useless the next day at work anymore. I mean, I'm tired, a little cranky, everything is a little blurry and confusing – but I don't have a headache or feel sick or anything. I just can't get motivated to do anything. That "day-after" feeling is just the same as it was when I was 22, but these days I feel like I have too many responsibilities and get paid too much to act like a sloth at work. So I guess THAT'S how I've changed.
Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to be keeping me home on Thursday nights.

I was bummed at seeing my ex last night. We get along really well and are still friends, but apparently now he's disgustingly in love with someone.
I am so fucking evil. I don't even feel happy for him – I just feel all grossed out and bitter. I can't imagine ever being in a serious, long-term relationship with someone and then having a really terrible break-up - be it divorce or whatever. I think I now understand why you are more likely to be murdered by someone you know. My ex said to me last night, "Why do you keep running away from us?" referring to him and his "committed life partner" or whatever, and then he proceeded to suck on his face two seconds later a foot away from my face. Then I ran away.

I hope I get some action this weekend, but for the past three years I've always hooked up on Saturday night, which is fun, but then you get maybe two hours of sleep and then have to seriously motivate yourself to spend the whole day frying in the park. Three years ago my buddy J. and I got wasted at the Wave (??? – gay boys actually used to go there???) and then drunkenly pigged-out at a 7-11 and then went back to his place and had wild crazy sex. And we're still good friends. In fact, I'm meeting him for lunch today.
Two years ago I was at JR's with G. and saw this cute guy standing at the bar by himself. I went up, introduced myself, and we went back to his place. The pros of that night: he had a SUPER CUTE dog – a Boston terrier I think - and a lot of good booze. The cons of that night: he got wasted and was super lazy in bed and then snored louder than anyone I've ever heard in my life except for my uncle, whose snores have registered at the same decibel level as a locomotive. I don't think I slept a wink that night. It was INSANE.
Last year I had a boyfriend. That was the best of all. I wasn't desperate and weird and wasted and wildly looking for ass. I was happy and content. I had someone to spend the whole weekend with. From morning until night.
I miss that.

thank you for your support

2006-06-22T12:12:00.000-06:00

Hey there loyal readers.
I just wanted to post a quick message to say I haven't had time to sit down and write much lately. Obviously.
Also, my "Hello" (image posting program) somehow got completely fucked up, and I haven't been able to post images since the moth extravaganza.
Sucks.
But I actually have had some interesting things going on in my life, and the next couple of weeks should be extra-rad, so stay tuned.
Also, we have a bunch of firm Principals in our Denver office from all over the world right now, and every single one of them is obsessed with immediately hooking up their laptop and sucking up all of our internet power, so I'm not even sure if I'll be able to successfully post this.
On the bright side, one of the Principals is from London and he's super cute and his accent makes me giddy. Damn - there's nothing sexier than a British accent.
And he's sitting right next to me!
Excuse me, I must go flirt with him now…

this is the true story...

2006-06-18T14:44:00.000-06:00

Even though it seems like everyone is talking about it, I really hadn't been pulled into the tizzy of The Real World coming to Denver. Yeah, I think it's good publicity for the city and all – if you call a bunch of good-looking people getting wasted and having ridiculous fights and sitting in hot tubs and slutting it up good publicity, that is – but I'd rather play it cool and pretend like I could care less.
You know – cuz I'm too cool for school??
But I was walking home up the 16th St. Mall on Friday afternoon around 5:30, and when I was crossing the street at 16th & Lawrence I suddenly noticed two cameras coming my way. They were following a very good-looking blond guy and some brown-haired mousy girl I paid about a nanosecond of attention to. I think it was the gay guy who's supposedly going to work at JR's. I smiled at him and he smiled at me.
And that's it.
That's my brush with Real World fame.
And it was way more exciting than I thought it would be! I am no longer too cool for school.

So I immediately texted my friend in Kansas City to tell him the news:
Me: I just saw the crew from The Real World following the gay boy! He was so hot!
T: I know this boy!
Me: What?
T: Yeah – my friend in Denver met him.
Me: Wow – really? I really want to see the house where they're living!
T: Supposed to party with him when I'm in Denver next weekend – at some after party at a church.

Hmmm – so T. is coming to Denver on Pride weekend and is tentatively planning on partying with the hot gay Real World guy.
Granted, at the Church – bleh – but whatev. Could be interesting…

i love my mom

2006-06-15T12:58:00.000-06:00

My mom is so cute. But she just doesn't quite get me or my Simpsons-heavy sense of humor. We're currently having an awesome e-mail exchange.
BTW - I'm totally goofy right now from too many tequila shots at Lime last night and the fact that it's my bonus day today. I'm rich! Rich as an astronaut!!!

She sent me an e-mail with a link that's supposed to show me something. But it doesn't. At least as far as I can tell. So I wrote her back.

Me: I have no idea what I'm supposed to see in this e-mail...

Mom: Must be that tequila - click on the link, wait for a second and then
enter your birthdate. With bloodstone's e-mail, you have to click on
the attachment several times in a row.

Me: bloodstone?? Gross!

Mom: I guess I don't know what you mean.

Me: Who put what in the where now??

Mom: I don't remember seeing anything like that.

Me: My cat's breath smells like cat food...

Oh, and my sister was also cc'd on this whole exchange. Her response?

Sis: Ok Ralph.

LOVES IT!

I haven't gotten a response to my last e-mail.
Mom must be sick of my shenanigans.
Ha - it only took 30 years!

moth-watch 2006

2006-06-14T15:28:00.000-06:00

Everything is cool.
A woman in the next pod came over and killed the moth with a broom.

HOORAY!!!

moths! moths! moths!

2006-06-14T15:09:00.001-06:00

How in the world does a moth get into a high-rise office building in downtown Denver, somehow get on the elevator, exit on my floor, make its way through the elevator lobby and reception area and over to my desk, and fly by me - actually BRUSHING MY FACE - giving me a mild stroke while I'm innocently spacing out while on a marketing conference call?

I actually gasped a little and let out a little-girl squeal, at which point the moderator of the call laughed and said, "What was that? Is everyone OK?"

Now the damn thing is sitting right beside my phone, just biding its time before it swoops in again either to finish me off or send me shrieking out into the streets of downtown Denver.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I have an irrational fear of moths. They're so scary and hideously ugly!

2006-06-14T15:09:00.000-06:00

Can anyone see that little black spot on the right side of my phone??

2006-06-14T15:08:00.000-06:00

See what I'm talking about?

2006-06-14T15:07:00.000-06:00

Little bastard!

random, but not deep, thoughts

2006-06-05T11:02:00.000-06:00

I have been in such a strange state of mind for the past week. I'm sure part of it is due to trying to get back into a normal routine after a vacation, but OMG – my manic-depressiveness was totally out of control all weekend.
Friday night I forced myself to go out even though I felt all weird and scrunchy and depressed. And I really didn't have a good time at all. I ended up going home at 12:15, which is unheard of. Someone tried to buy me a beer and I said, "No thank you. May I please have a bottle of water?"
?????
Then on Saturday night I was manic. I couldn't even sustain a five-minute conversation with my friends before I was compelled to run off to find some other source of entertainment. And then the Tanqueray hoochies showed up. Which was bad news because they were handing out free gin & tonics, which made me even crazier. And THEN at some point my horniness jumped from about a 6.5 to a 10. And I basically threw myself at a friend of a friend whom I've never been particularly interested in before. And although I did get to make out a little bit, he wouldn't take me home. He said he wanted to take me on a date first. Which was endlessly frustrating while I was hopped up on gin and testosterone and frustrating general horniness. Plus I don't want to date him.
I am SO stuck in a dry spell right now. Arrggghh!

I don't know if there's some sort of bullshit going on with blogger at the moment, or something's messed up with my firm's internet service, or maybe a combination of both, but everything is so pissy-slow and frustrating right now. It was quite the exercise in patience on my part on Friday to attempt to post an entry. It wouldn't work, wouldn't work, wouldn't work, and then the entry got posted three times, and then I couldn't get the extraneous copies deleted. And today it's STILL bullshit. Whatev blogger. WHATEV!

I'm so excited it's June. Best month of the year. We've got some great weather, my birthday, Pride, a trip to Mpls/S.D., bonus day at work on the 15th, etc. So that means money, presents, drinks, friends, family, and gays as far as the eye can see.
Nothin' wrong with all that!

Ahhh – I think my coffee finally kicked in. OK – better get some work done!

24 things I learned in the bahamas

2006-06-02T11:05:00.000-06:00

1. If you travel with a group of people, of whom 95% are couples, you are going to suffer intense feelings of boyfriend-envy.
So much so, you may spend time pretending some of the straight women are your girlfriends just so you can hold hands and get kisses from someone.
Or sitting stoned on a beach late at night looking up at the stars wondering why you're so fucked-up and alone when everyone else around you seems perfectly able to sustain successful, long-term relationships.

2. It's hard to hook up if you're gay. Well, at least it was for me. Everyone down there seemed straight. So – no action for me.
I guess it's OK though. I was so drunk most of the time it probably wouldn't have been one of the most dazzling experiences of my life. Or the other guy's, for that matter.

3. Take twice as much sunscreen as you think you'll need.

4. Take your Nalgene water bottle. Everyone ended up being jealous that I had mine, especially when we got to the airport at 11:00 at night and all the shops that sell water were closed. Plus, when you get to the Bahamas, you can fill it up with 32 oz. of margarita fun!

5. Speaking of booze – buy your own hard alcohol. Drinks at the bar or on the beach are really expensive. So is beer at the liquor store. But hard alcohol is surprisingly cheap. I bought a huge bottle of tequila, a couple bottles of margarita mix, and a bottle of cheap champagne for about $45. And you can carry your drinks around with you everywhere you go – even into bars and casinos – thus saving a shitload of money!

6. Do NOT trust the resort's wake-up call system. I almost missed our Friday morning snorkeling trip because the call never came. And other people in our group had the same thing happen on other mornings.

7. Be concerned about being in fairly good shape for your vacation, but don't get all obsesso about it. There are so many nasty people down there that no one will even notice your cute little beer-gut (or at least that's what I kept telling myself).

8. Even if you've quit smoking (besides an occasional drunken cig or two at the bar on the weekends) there's a very strong chance you'll break down and grab a couple packs at the liquor store. After all, you're on vacation and that entitles you to damage your body as much as possible. Right?

9. I am totally intimidated by the big, sweaty, black Bahaman women in the marketplace selling their wares. They're all, "Hey babycakes! Why don't you bring that gorgeous ass over here and check out what I got? C'mon. Don't be shy! What can I find for you? HEY – come here sexy!" (imagine in a thick Bahaman accent)
And I'm all, "Tee hee. Me?? No, I couldn't possibly..."

10. A beachside white party in the Bahamas is about the swankiest event you can attend. I felt like I was in a Ralph Lauren ad or something.

11. Most of the customer service folks down there – excluding bar staff – are some of the grouchiest, most sullen people I've ever had wait on me. I suppose they get really sick of drunken tourists…but hey, they're the ones who made the decision to work at the liquor store or the Subway or the overpriced, understocked drug store - so suck it up crabbypants!

12. Even if you totally hate rum, you'll all of a sudden be in love with it if it's served on a boat in a plastic bucket at high noon and they've just run out of beer at the boat bar.

13. I love snorkeling. Although breathing through the tube made me feel quite claustrophobic at first. And that water is CRAZY salty!
Oh – and I saw a fish poop! It pooped A LOT and it looked like squash. Pretty appetizing to think about when you get ocean water in your mouth, right?

14. My friends are big, huge, brave, awesome drunken gamblers.

15. I am a god of the slot machines but am too scared/conservative to try the blackjack and roulette tables.

16. I've never sweat that much in a five-day period and really not given a shit how disgusting I was.

17. I am intensely freaked out by those little lizard things running around all over down there. Eeek! Especially when I'm wearing flip-flops the whole time and there's a chance they could scurry over my toes and give them a little bite.

18. Avoid the main public beaches and have a local take you to a private beach – like Gold Rock beach. That was where they filmed the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels, and it was the most beautiful place I've ever been in my life. It felt like a wonderful dream. I had taken a small dose of mushrooms and smoked some grass…so perhaps that had something to do with it. But it would have still been righteous even if one were dead sober. We saw stingrays and sharks!

19. It is possible to get stage fright even when you're neck-deep in the ocean. Pretty appetizing to think about when you get ocean water in your mouth, right?

20. If you drink four beers, a bucket of rum, and a Nalgene bottle of margaritas by 3:00 in the afternoon you'll probably jump into the resort pool with your wallet in your pocket and not even realize it until a couple hours later. Probably.

21. It is absolutely possible to go two full days eating only a banana, a package of airline crackers, two mozzarella sticks, and about half a six-inch sub and still not feel hungry at all.
As long as you're drinking the entire time, that is.

22. Nothing will facilitate super-bonding with a group of virtual strangers quicker than a Bahaman vacation.

23. You'll be finding sand everywhere you turn for days after you get back.

24. You'll fall into a deep and immediate depression about two minutes after you get home and walk through your front door and realize it's all over.
But at least you have your buddy Ernie waiting there, and he missed the hell out of you.

**lots and lots of pictures coming soon…**

i'm back and i'm spanked

2006-05-31T19:09:00.000-06:00

Why is it your first few days back in the office after one of the best vacations of your life will always completely destroy the peacefulness and joyfulness and happiness the vacation itself inspired?

I'm still at the office and it's after 7:00 and I'm still waiting for edits from one of my principals. If I miss The Sopranos at 8:00 I'm going to be really pissed.

But anyway, I'm back, and my vacation was SWEET and hopefully I'll have the time and the energy to write about it someday...

2006-05-23T14:40:00.000-06:00

Me, my firm's model (and ex-intern) KT, and C. - one of my favorite gays EVER!

2006-05-23T14:39:00.000-06:00

Em and I are gorgeous!

2006-05-23T14:38:00.000-06:00

Me and one of the models striking a pose.

2006-05-23T14:37:00.000-06:00

A little more casual.

2006-05-23T14:36:00.000-06:00

Me and the ladies. Actually, it kind of looks like I'm stalking them. They were all like, "Gawd - what a loser. Why is he so sweaty??"

2006-05-23T14:35:00.000-06:00

Me and T - I once gave her fetus a tequila shot!

2006-05-23T14:34:00.000-06:00

Field Day with some of my boys.

the past few days

2006-05-23T14:02:00.000-06:00

I had two frustrating experiences with customer service yesterday that really made me wish I ran the world and could punish those who dare to anger me.
I really don't expect a lot when it comes to customer service. I don't expect a smile, I don't even particularly expect friendliness. After all, I worked at Starbucks for two years and it's a miracle no one ever ended up dead. I just want you to look me in the eye, I want to be the focus of your attention for the entire transaction, and I expect some sort of level of professionalism. Don't cuss, don't answer the phone or have a silly chit-chat with a coworker while you're helping me, and don't call me "dawg."

I went into the Sunglass Hut in the Pavilions over lunch to get some shades for my trip. There were two guys "working." Actually, in their defense, they weren't total slackers. They had made an attempt to dress somewhat nicely. But they were involved in some sort of private conversation about a female coworker that I could more than clearly overhear. I got the distinct impression that the female coworker was a hootchie. They ignored me and when I asked if I could see a pair of glasses they told me the case was open and I could help myself, then went back to their conversation.
Oh – and they did another thing I hate: when male customer service workers treat me like I’m a frat brother instead of someone who's paying their salary. I don't want to be called "dude" or "bro" and I don't want you to tell me how much pussy the particular item I'm buying is going to get me. (When I bought my suit the guy told me girls would be chasing me down the street when I wore it – ugh! Do straight guys actually appreciate that kind of cheesy banter?) And other than maybe a handshake don't ever touch me. Ever.

I went to Men's Wearhouse in Cherry Creek after work and the main guy at the counter was acting like he had bleeding hemorrhoids and his favorite pet had just died. A guy was paying for something and his two sons were with him. The guy was letting his son sign the electronic box, and the kid was just having a little trouble and the worker practically had a stroke.
"IF YOU CAN'T SIGN YOUR NAME JUST SIGN A SMILEY FACE OR SOMETHING! JUST SIGN ANYTHING! DO SOMETHING! GAWD!"
Poor kid.
I wasn't in the mood to put up with his drama queen routine. I simply wanted to return a pink dress shirt because it was way too big and balloony on me.
He didn't even look at me as he said, "And what do you need…?" Then of course he tried everything possible to get me to not take a refund for the shirt. THEN he answered TWO phone calls while he was waiting on me.
He just acted like waiting on me was the most disgusting, demeaning thing he'd ever had to do.

So as I was walking out the door - about five feet from where he stood - I audibly said, "ASSHOLE."
And then I got to the private parking lot and realized that I hadn't gotten a parking token. So I had to turn around and go back in.
Awkward.

But ANYWAY – on to other topics. Despite my crazy cold/flu/whatever the fuck I had last week, my excruciating neck/back/arm pain, a mountain of proposals and other miscellaneous marketing bullshit, and a list of about 1,000 chores/errands to get done before my vacation, I've managed to survive and come out on top. The next 24 hours are still going to be busy and I'm going to have to be crazy-productive, but I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that light has a warm, sunny beach and icy-cold drinks!

My weekend was fun and I was able to blow off some steam. I attended the IIDA Pret a Porter Fashion Show on Friday night after work. Design firms team with a vendor to create outrageous and gorgeous outfits, models work it on the runway, and everyone gets drunk. And I get to see some of my absolute favorite people in the industry. Of course, I had to look good too, so I bought a new shirt and new jeans and wore them with my new suit jacket.
I was hot – literally.
That was just too many layers for a packed event like that. I started sweating my ass off and had to lose the jacket.

Saturday night G. and I went shopping at Park Meadows and then to a going-away party at the Pourhouse Pub in LoDo. My shoulder had been screeching all day so I took a Vicodin. It made me feel MUCH better. Then I had a couple shots and a couple of beers. Eventually I was feeling no pain. Lovely.

Sunday afternoon I went to Field Day at Washington Park. Field Day is basically just an excuse for gay boys to get together and grill and drink insane amounts of beer and lie around on blankets and play volleyball and cruise the hot Wash Park joggers and such. I had a blast. It was like a warm-up to Pride Weekend, which is right around the corner!

I also shaved off the beard on Sunday night. Figured I'd be all clean and fresh for summer. But now I look like I'm about 12. It's weird how much of a difference facial hair can make in your appearance.

All right kids – I'm off to the Bahamas. Talk at ya'll when I get back!

eyes

2006-05-17T14:56:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling much better today. I'm still not sure exactly what was going on with me yesterday. It totally felt like symptoms of the flu, except the feelings of nausea were very brief and I had intense pain in my neck and right shoulder. Almost like the flu mixed with a pulled muscle or something.
My neck and shoulder and arm are still really sore today, though. I could barely wash my hair or get my shirt on. If I want to lift something with my right arm I have to support my right arm with my left hand.
I need muscle relaxants!
*sniffle*
*sexy pout*

I went to the eye doctor this morning. After having months and months and months to prepare for my vacation, just yesterday I decided that I must have contacts. I mean, who wants to go to the Bahamas and wear nerdy glasses around the whole time? After all, people would most certainly point and yell, "NEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRD!"
So I got my eyes checked and my eye doc hooked me up with a one-month supply of one-day-wear contacts. My vision won't be 100% perfect, but at least I can lie around in sunglasses and be all hot and shit.

But while he was checking out my left eye he let out this delighted/excited kind of chuckle. Turns out I had an eyelash stuck in one of my tear ducts. He said it was all the way down in there – so far that there was only a teeny, tiny bit of the lash sticking out of the duct. Apparently he only sees one or two cases like this PER YEAR. And he found it quite strange that I wasn't bothered enough by it to seek medical attention.
???
Either I'm one of the roughest, toughest, down and dirtiest sons-of-bitches around or I am really out of it.
I mean, who doesn't notice something like that?

He pulled it out and showed it to me and it was HUGE (I'm still talking about the lash here pervs).
I feel so clean and free!
So free of unwanted, tear duct-blocking lashes!
Now I can just cry and cry with reckless abandon!
Which I feel like doing every time I turn my head or try to lift my arm. Ouchie!
*sniffle*
*sexy pout*

whine

2006-05-16T09:48:00.000-06:00

I feel like shit today.
I need some free, unprofessional medical diagnoses.

I've had a headache on and off since Sunday afternoon. This is really strange for me because I rarely, if ever, get a headache.
The right side of my neck is super tight and sore and I've got twitching action going on there.
I feel slightly nauseous.
Things taste weird – like when I was brushing my tongue this morning or when I'm sipping on a Diet Pepsi. Everything tastes really funny.
And I feel really tired. I was tossing and turning last night.

So what the hell is going on?
Crazy mutant allergies?
Lyme disease?
A brain tumor?
Outlandish diva-like complaining?

2006-05-12T17:04:00.000-06:00

The most talked-about casual Friday shirt in the office.
Good lord - you'd think it had a swastika on it or something.
This isn't my desk - it's the accountant's.
No one would ever send me yellow roses.
*sigh*

can I just bitch for a second?

2006-05-12T12:28:00.000-06:00

I can't believe how much work I have to do. I have never been this busy or overwhelmed in the almost four years I've been here.
I literally can't get started on one project without being bombarded by two more while I'm trying to get my brain focused on the first.
I stayed home on Monday, Wednesday, AND Thursday nights this week (I did briefly go out on Tuesday – but only for about an hour) so I would be as sharp as possible for work. What the hell???
I don't even know who I am anymore.

I've got one major proposal on my plate that I have to have finished by the 22nd. That's the most important project.
But in addition to that, I'm putting together a telecommunications package, a tenant interiors package, a workplace package, converting our case studies to a new firmwide template, developing a powerpoint for a mixed-use development presentation, and drafting a new employee resume for a graphics submittal, among other things.
And on top of all that our office just got our firm's first Gold LEED-certification, so I have every other office calling for any project info they can get their hands on, and I have to have a press release ready to release nationwide ASAP.

I just got a call from my mom this morning - my grandpa had some sort of stroke last night and has sepsis or something – I don't even understand – and he's not doing well. We've known the inevitable was coming soon with him for a while now - but as selfish as this makes me sound…please don't let anything happen for the next couple weeks, god!
I honestly don't know who would do my work if I have to suddenly leave, and I'm supposed to travel to the Bahamas in less than two weeks. If I have to go to a funeral I don't even know what I'm going to do.
It makes me feel like just smoking a bowl and doing a couple shots of tequila and curling up in the fetal position in my bed.

I know – bitch, bitch, bitch. Poor Matt. But it makes me feel just a little better to complain about it and just get it all out there. Whatever happens, happens I guess.
I shouldn't even be wasting time writing this. But I just wanted to let everyone know where I've been and why I'll be MIA for a while longer.

Oh, and on a lighter note - I'm wearing my new super bright green Gap polo shirt today, and I've received commentary on it from every single person I've talked to. I didn't realize it would be such a talking point. I guess it IS kind of crazy bright, but I thought it was a perfect spring shirt.
Plus I never wear color so I'm trying to break out of my box a little.
I'll take a pic a little later and let you weigh in.

bleh

2006-05-05T14:13:00.000-06:00

I don't know if it's the weather, or the fact that it's Friday afternoon, or that one of my friends e-mailed me at noon and told me she was taking off the rest of the day to go celebrate Drinko de Mayo at a downtown bar, or maybe because I drank a little too much (free!) tequila last night – but I am having a MAJOR problem getting shit done at work today.

Which is unfortunate because I've got so much to do. My supervisor is out of town for two weeks and I've got this gigantic proposal to get done by Monday afternoon, among other projects. I've got piles of subconsultant materials as far as the eye can see! And my supervisor is much, much better at organizing and coordinating these kinds of nasty messes.
I'm really just here to be the marketing eye candy.
I miss her so much and she just left this morning! Lord, give me strength…

So - I'm going to spend the rest of my afternoon writing up my firm's understanding of the goals and objectives of a potential project including, but not limited to, processes, schedules, cost estimating and MBE/WBE participation.
Hmmm…goals.
Go-als… *tapping finger on chin*
OK - first I have to figure out the project goals by attempting to decipher my notes from Tuesday's preproposal meeting, where I spent most of my time gawking at this outrageously good-looking, 40-something architect. RAWR.

I tell ya, at this point I'd seriously rather be forced to sit through multiple screenings of "RV" at gunpoint than work on this sucker.

It's the thought of the weekend that's keeping me alive.
One of my friends is having her annual Kentucky Derby party tomorrow, where I traditionally lose all my excess money by betting on some nag that ends up coming in last or second-to-last. I always just choose the gayest, foofiest name. That's my strategy. Of course, they're all pretty gay-sounding I guess.
And tomorrow morning I'm going to get tailored for my fantastic new suit. It's Oscar de la Renta and it makes me look really hot. Now I just need to be invited to a bunch of fancy parties so I can work it.
And last night at the bar I met this cutie who is here visiting from Minneapolis. He's adorable. Unfortunately he was going up to Wyoming today, but he'll be back on Sunday afternoon and we're going to hang out. Yeah! Love those Minneapolis boys…

go tv!

2006-05-03T10:23:00.000-06:00

Over the past couple of months I had been getting a bit bored by even my favorite shows – I'm talking to you Sopranos. Tony in a stupid coma?? Ugh. – but now things are changin'!

T.V. round-up time! *whipping sound* (cuz I don't know how to type a whipping sound)

The Sopranos is motherfucking good again (the motherfucking is an ode to my hardcore Mafia side).
Poor Vito getting outed and running off to a quaint New England town where he first plays fight club and then just plain plays with the hot diner cook/volunteer fireman/motorcycle-riding, handlebar moustache-wearing hottie. I am afraid that he's toast when the mobsters finally track him down, though.
Christopher going to L.A. and getting back into drugs and then punching Lauren Bacall (!) in the face.
A.J. becoming a club/party guy and attempting to slice up Uncle Junior and then starting to have panic attacks.
Plus a bunch of people getting shot in the head, having the shit beat out of their face, getting their hands thrust into boiling hot pasta sauce, and so on.
Brilliant.

AND Survivor came roaring back last week too. This season had been pretty blah-blah and disgusting what with the lack of psycho killer monkeys and Bruce's plugged-up plumbing and all, but then uh-oh. Here comes scheming Cirie!
She's totally fierce and worked all those other sons-of-bitches over like the nasty hookers they are.
*WOW – nice potty mouth on me today.*
Loved it. Stupid hippie chick was gone in a flash and Shane's all, "WTF…?" Hee hee.
I could see Cirie and Terry going all the way. Although I unintentionally read a spoiler on the internet that indicated there had been heavy betting on someone other than one of those two to win – and cheating is suspected. All I know is that Shane and Aras are toast. Aras – you can come to me for some comforting. Ruff! Does anyone else suspect that he's a total flamer? I mean, a yoga instructor? Please…

I was traveling last Wednesday and missed my beloved Amazing Race. Does anyone know who got kicked off?
I can't wait to watch it tonight!

awkward office banter with an attempted Matt diffuser

2006-05-02T11:28:00.000-06:00

Employee #1: "So ___, how did you hurt your back?"

Employee #2: "Oh - it just went out again. Happens a lot."

Employee #1: "Ha – it's because you're getting old!"

Employee #2: "No, this has actually been happening since college."

Employee #1: "Ha – no way! It's because you're getting old! Old man!"

Employee #2: "No. I compressed my spine in a rugby match in college and nearly ended up in a wheelchair."

Employee #1: *silence*

Employee #2: *silence*

Matt: "Ha ha – well, that's why I don't play rugby. That, and I wouldn't want anything to happen to my pretty, pretty face!"

Employees #1 and #2: *silence*

Matt: *silence*

2006-04-28T14:14:00.002-06:00

Monday night in Chicago. Standing by some river? I'd been in town approximately two hours and I'd already bought a pair of pants and a shirt. My partner in crime - the marketer from Detroit - was delighted to learn I'm gay and love to shop for clothes.

2006-04-28T14:14:00.001-06:00

The swanky hotel room. Surprisingly, I had a lot of trouble getting a good night's sleep on this bed. The front desk people hand you a glass of wine when you walk in to the hotel!

2006-04-28T14:14:00.000-06:00

The other side of the room.

2006-04-28T14:13:00.002-06:00

My walk over to Millennium Park. I'd love to hear a concert there.

2006-04-28T14:13:00.001-06:00

This crazy thing is sweet.

2006-04-28T14:13:00.000-06:00

M. from Detroit and I under the crazy thing.

2006-04-28T14:12:00.001-06:00

Adventures in Babysitting!

2006-04-28T14:12:00.000-06:00

I was hoping to see Oprah in person, but holding her magazine in a Walgreens was pretty cool.

life

2006-04-28T10:25:00.000-06:00

My sister is engaged.
My little sister.
Is getting married.
With the ring and the dress and the church and all that.
It is so strange to me.
Yeah, she's been living with the guy for almost four years and they have a kid, but it's still strange.
My little sister is getting MARRIED.
Married!
Strange….

The word strange starts to lose its meaning after you type it a couple times.
It looks like strang-ey.
Really – just stare at it for a minute.

I was in Chicago most of this week. I love that city.
It's a hell of a town! (Frank Sinatra is my god.)
It really does make Denver look like a podunk mountain shanty-town.
I was actually working my ass off the whole time I was there, so I didn't really have a chance to get out and explore much.
I have to say that there are a lot of really good-looking men there! Damn….
Anyway, I stayed at the Benham Hotel, which is really swanky, and got to eat at a couple nice restaurants. I tried swordfish for the first time. It was awesome. Got to love charging the firm for expensive dinners! And I rode the subway AND I saw the office building from Adventures in Babysitting. The one that Sarah hangs out of.
"Ohhhh Brad…."
I have a picture of it I'll post later.
It really did get my blood pumping to go from a 40-person office like mine to their 170-person office. They have a team of seven marketers there. Each person focuses on a few specific areas of marketing. Comraderie like that is nice.
And it makes everything seem so much more urgent and important.
"Matt, I'm going to need that press release stat! And did you get those quals sent over to Fisher Davis?? They're making that decision about the merger today!!"
That's not actually one of our clients or even something that an architectural marketer would probably even say, but whatev.

I was less than thrilled when I discovered that my firm's office manager had booked me a middle seat (bleh!) on my flight to Chicago between a 92-year old man (seriously) and a chatty Midwest lady with HUGE hooters and a bad perm. I had barely clicked my seatbelt when the old man said, "Hey, look at that – Maddox went 4-0," pointing at the sports page.
I don't have the faintest idea what he could have possibly been talking about, unless for some reason Angelina Jolie's kid was featured in the sports section that day.
The two of them seriously talked my ear off the entire two-hour flight. And if I stopped talking they would just talk to each other over me. It was like some sort of bad dream. I was all scrunched in.
But if you think there's any way I can be rude to a 92-year-old or a sweet Midwestern mom then you really don't understand my personality at all.
But honestly, I don't think he looked a day over 89.

Last night I got out again in Denver. Ended up at JR's. There were scotch hoochies there. They'd come up and give you their little schpiel (how the hell do you spell schpiel?) and then you'd give them your (fake) e-mail address and then they'd load you up with weird and wrong scotch drinks.
Like - an apple scotch martini? Isn't that the most fucked up thing you've ever heard of?
Right now I feel all weird and floaty sitting at my computer. Like my head is floating over my body or something. It must be because of the scotch.
Someone bought me a shot of tequila in exchange for kissing their shy friend. After I kissed him we just stood there awkwardly with nothing to say. But then I saw Paul standing on the stairs and ran over to talk to him to get away from shy guy. It's the first time I've ever talked to him in person. And he's very good-looking and seems very smart and sweet. And he's not afraid to whip out a filthy story. Which makes me like him even more.

Yesterday was "Take Your Kid to Work Day" here.
I think it's pretty funny. I'm sure it's an enriching experience for some kids, but all I saw around here were parents sitting their kids down with a bag of potato chips and a soda to color in their picture books or play computer games all day while they went about their normal activities.
Yep. "Take Your Kid to Work Day" - it's an experience your child will never forget!

got any arkansas?

2006-04-21T12:39:00.000-06:00

I get more and more impatient every year. I'm pretty good at suppressing it most of the time, but deep down there's a lot of rage. My grandpa was impatient, my mom is impatient, and I'm crabbily carrying on the family tradition.
Is crabbily even a word?

It'll be a miracle if I haven't been convicted of a homicide by the time I'm 40.

I just wanted to deposit a check, grab some Starbucks, and get my ass back to work as quickly as possible this morning. I've got tons of work to get done today because I'm going to be out of the office M-W next week. And there were only three tellers with open stations.
I was pretty calm for the first five minutes. I realize you have to chill out at banks these days. I used to be a teller and would always make a customer's life hell if I detected even a smidge of impatience or attitude. But then I overheard the "business" of the woman standing at the station in front of me.

She had the kid looking through his change tray for specific state quarters.

rant

2006-04-20T13:30:00.000-06:00

It's really pissing me off that hardly anyone comments on my blog anymore.

C'mon – I'm giving you parties, embarrassing anecdotes, gay sex, urine stories, bitchy attitude…life!

Maybe you're looking for something more political and relevant than sex and drugs and booze and urine?
Shall I take a controversial stance on something?
OK - I don't think Malaysians should be allowed to adopt babies with developmental disabilities.

*shrugs*
There. Yep – I said it.

I slave all day over a hot stove to come up with these gems for ya'll…
Geez - at least say hi, hookers!

mye dreem gui

2006-04-19T16:57:00.000-06:00

So I'm cruising around on connexions, just checking out random profiles and I find this HOTTIE who lives out on the east coast. He's fantastically good looking and melts my heart. Then I make the mistake of looking at his written section…

Interests: joung, smooth face,body, smells good, good scence of humor down to earth no drama, camping,hicking, canoing, lots of out door things,.

Want to meet: someone with a head on there shoulder, not just a head in there pants, someone humorous,no fats,no grampas,some fems are ok, some near my resident looking for someone that is 05-100 miles radious, someone that wants something more that just dick. someone that is looking for someone that have their shit together and know what is the next day looks like . ask me and ill tell you..........

I immediately lost all interest.
I guess horrendous English skills are a deal-breaker for me.
And this guy is a mechanical engineer for christ's sake! Which means he did at least GO to school.

Oh - and what really gets me is that the only reason he lists for wanting to meet guys is "Activity Partners." Which means sex. Which blows away his whole "someone that wants something more that [sic] just dick."

Ugh – and this idiot gets blessed with perfect, drop-dead gorgeous looks.

Lyf isso nott fayr,.

sex

2006-04-19T16:23:00.000-06:00

I'm having absolutely hot, fantastic, down and dirty sex with someone who couldn't be further from my usual type.
I mean, he's not my type in the slightest.

He's a flight attendant.
He's 40.
He's got a very…unique sense of style. Almost an anti-style.
He has a goatee.
He has a pretty unremarkable body.
He didn't understand the concept of shots.

But it's probably the best sex I've ever had.
At least the best I can remember in a long, long time.

That's one of the things I love about life. One minute you're minding your own business - taking a leak at a trough in a random bear bar – without the potential of mind-blowing sex anywhere on your radar, and the next thing you know you're fucking your brains out like there's no tomorrow.

Life's crazy, man.

2006-04-19T11:42:00.001-06:00

B., G. and me. I go way back with these bitches. That's seriously B.'s camera face. In every picture.

2006-04-19T11:42:00.000-06:00

Best buds. Damn we'd have good-looking babies. Good teeth.

2006-04-19T11:41:00.001-06:00

Presents! Mine is in the green and blue bag. Bagging it is the new wrapping it.

2006-04-19T11:41:00.000-06:00

G.'s sister feeding us strawberries. G. looks crabby cuz the strawberries were really cold. Or maybe because I'm forcing her to seductively eat a strawberry from her own sister.

2006-04-19T11:40:00.001-06:00

I don't know what the fuck? G. looks hot though. I think maybe I was pretending paparazzi were chasing us Lindsey Lohan-style.

2006-04-19T11:40:00.000-06:00

K. and I being JCPenneys models at G.'s bday party. Unintentionally.

i love summer

2006-04-18T16:23:00.000-06:00

OK – I'm calling it.
Even if it is still April and we could have a surprise snowstorm at any moment, I'm calling it. It's summertime! I'm bringing out the summertime party attitude!
We've had the most beautiful week. Today is a little chilly, but my god - it was gorgeous on Sunday/Monday!
This kind of weather makes it absolutely impossible for me to stay home at night. Especially when it's now still light outside much later. I seem to be going out running around having fun every night of the week. Spending money I should be saving for my upcoming trips.

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday night I went and sat out on bar patios and drank beer and enjoyed life and friends and the warm evening breeze.

Saturday was a little cloudy with sporadic rain, but you really need at least a few days like that every spring. We could actually use a nice, all-day-long rain shower. Poor Denver is always so dry.
Saturday night was G.'s birthday party. It was fabulous and respectable and lovely. G. and I suspected that was because there weren't 1,500 jello shots this year.
Then I hit Tracks for a bit, but I wasn't really feeling it. Soberness and Tracks don't mix.

Sunday was the best. I rolled out of bed around 10:30 and immediately went to the park to catch some rays in preparation for my vacation. Afterwards I went to G.'s parents' house for a fantastic brunch – we're talking ham, salmon, croissants, French toast, salads, quiches, fruits, veggies, mimosas, cake, and on and on and on.
After all that food and champagne I took an almost two-hour nap and then went to a cute little dinner party in Lakewood. All the straight boys there groaned when they were outnumbered by the gay boys who insisted on turning the channel from Die Hard (bleh) to Desperate Housewives. And I swear the straight boys ended up getting a bigger kick out of the episode than us.
Then I swung by JR's and got groped and kissed and generally manhandled by boys who were overly intoxicated from the beer bust. Hot.

Tonight it's happy hour downtown and then I'm hooking up with my Wrangler buddy. Turns out he's a flight attendant and unfortunately seems to be out of town most of the time, but tonight he's here and we're going to get reacquainted. I'm pretty sure there is no romance involved in this situation in any way, but we have amazing sexual chemistry.

Go summer!

who's a cootsy-wootsy, itty-bitty, lovey-dovey sweetie-boy? you are!

2006-04-14T16:00:00.000-06:00

The weather here has turned absolutely gorgeous and that means people are getting out and using the grill!
More specifically, using the grill in the courtyard just outside my living room French doors.

I had a long, psycho, draining day at work yesterday and when I walked into my apartment I was thrilled to finally be home. So I grabbed Ernie and gave him a big hug and kiss and started up some serious baby talk.
I mean, SERIOUS baby talk.
I'm talking high-pitched voice, cutesy talk, incoherent babbling, smoochy kissy sounds…the works. The kind of shit you only do when it's just you and your pet. For at least 30 seconds. And I was being really loud and obnoxious.

Then as I walked into my bedroom and glanced out the open window I saw hot-ass guy who has the two dogs standing a few feet away from my window grilling up some dinner and looking in at me with the strangest and most confused/disgusted look on his face. He clearly saw it was me who had been making that crazy noise.
I panicked, turned bright-red, broke out in a sweat, and almost dropped to my knees to hide behind the bed. But realizing he'd already seen - and obviously, heard - me I had no choice but to pretend I thought I was cooler than shit, quickly (but not TOO quickly) turn on my heels, strut into my bathroom, and slam the door behind me – in a manly way.

I saw him in Commons Park this morning on my way to work and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him.

I'm guessing we won't be hooking up anytime soon.

A cootchie-coo. *ahem*

bu-bye Denver…no – I said BU-BYE!

2006-04-14T08:40:00.000-06:00

I love Denver, but it's always nice when I can get the hell away from here.
Sometimes I feel like I'm always doing the same shit over and over and over - all the time.
That's why I'm so excited about all my fun upcoming trips!

At the end of this month I'm jetting off to my firm's Chicago office for a couple of days. You know - a little marketing here, a little computer training there, blah blah. No big deal, but I've never done more than just drive through Chicago with a quick stop to go to the top of the Sears Tower so I think it'll be great to get to hang around downtown or wherever the hell I'll be for a couple days.

And my Bahamas trip is looming right around the corner. Memorial Day weekend to be exact.
That is going to be FUCKING GREAT.
I've never treated myself to a tropical vacation before. And this tropical vacation will be extra-special because my good friend L. is getting married.
I will be drunk!

I'm still working out the details of my late-June/early-July road trip. I'm pretty sure I'm going to drive to Minneapolis first before heading to Aberdeen for my mom's 4th of July barbeque extravaganza. I'm not a big fan of MN/SD in the middle of the summer, but I'll just have to try to restrict my activities to places with good, freezing-cold air conditioning.

And I'm thinking I want to go somewhere fun early in the fall too.
Maybe San Francisco or New York or Las Vegas…

Sweet...

gay man walkin'

2006-04-06T12:10:00.000-06:00

I'm still walking to work.
I guess I'm getting used to it. Meh…
Apparently walking is fairly decent exercise after all because I've been waking up mildly to moderately sore every morning this week. I even felt justified in skipping the gym on Tuesday since I'm a walking bitch now.
Everything is fucking breaking down at the gym anyway. The stairmaster has been out of order since January and now the elliptical is trashed too. We're down to the evil stationary bike and three treadmills. Lame. So, so powerfully lame.

My walks up and down the mall have resulted in a few unexpected gay run-ins.
This morning alone I bumped into three gays.
I saw a shorty who works at a local gay bar who tried to go down on me two Prides ago in G.'s bathroom while G. and another guy that I really wanted to hook up with were standing just outside. I stopped him from going there and ever since he won't talk to me. Whatever. So I got a nasty little glare and head toss from that bitch somewhere around Market Street.

When I hit Welton I saw a guy I slept with last summer. We hooked up the week before he was going back to New Zealand. He just moved back to Denver last month and he's working downtown now. Nice guy. Fantastic lips.

And then one block later I saw the gay brother from last January. The one who bit and sucked and chewed the hell out of me right before picture day at work. He's one of those guys that cleans up REALLY well for work. Great hair.

By that point I started to feel a little slutty but then I thought, what about the hundred or so people I passed on my walk that I haven't had a sexual encounter with?

Right??

I mean, when you think of it that way, I'm practically a virgin.

monday morning

2006-04-03T09:42:00.000-06:00

Thanks RTD. Thanks a lot. I'm loving the strike. It's fabulous!
No – I really enjoyed walking to work this morning. Over a half hour to make my way up the entire 16th St. Mall - at 7:30 a.m.! Oh yeah. That's exactly what I was in the mood for on a Monday morning.
Christ – I hate walking from my bed to the shower in the morning, let alone all the way up the goddamn fucking Mall.
And the worst part about it was that a coworker mentioned that this might happen on Friday, and of course I promptly forgot all about her warning. That is, until I randomly heard Anne Curry mention it on the Today show while I was getting ready.
All those RTD workers striking up and down the Mall really do fit in perfectly, though, because most of them look like homeless bums anyway. Jesus H. – ever heard of a razor and a bar of soap?
And that's just the women. OH!
And to the douchebag who almost ran me down on Market Street – thanks for that scowl and WTF? frustrated gesture you gave me when it was you that almost ran a totally red light but somehow managed to come to a stop right on top of the crosswalk. Thanks so much. I really do appreciate your efforts to stop at red lights once in a while so that I might continue to live and perhaps even have the use of my legs too.

Stupid strike.

friday already?

2006-03-31T14:05:00.000-07:00

Spring is here and the onslaught of fun activities continues!
Wait…onslaught probably isn't the word I'm looking for.
In fact, with a quick check of my trusty dictionary, I see onslaught means "a violent attack."
Eh – what are you gonna do?

Tonight a very lovely lady in my building is taking me out to dinner. Why?
Because I'm fantastic. We're going to Bang. I've heard it's great. And there ain't nothing wrong with its name either.
Tomorrow I'm invited to a big gay birthday bash. I think just about every gay guy I know is going to be there. I'm totally digging house parties lately - as an alternative to hanging around bars all the time.
I've been invited to join a dinner party club. Well, not a club exactly – but just a group of really fun people who get together every other Sunday night and have a nice dinner and drink wine and shit. Yay – dinner party club! A bit classier than getting wasted at the beer bust, no?
And Monday night my bud M. invited me to go to the Avs game. Rah! AND he works for a certain fancy investment firm that holds a suite at the Pepsi Center, so we're going to be rocking the suite. Rocking the suite baby! Beer! Beer! Beer!
Beer. And I only live about five blocks from the Pepsi Center so I can get all rowdy and trashed and then have a burly hockey player carry me home. I love that hockey shit! RAWR!

I guarantee if all goes well I should have some interesting blogging material next week.
I hope all you fabulous people have a wonderful weekend too!
Get some action!

just a random, funny, slightly damp story

2006-03-31T11:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I haven't blogged about this already – probably because it happened during my blogging drought – but I thought it was pretty rad.

I was at JR's about two or three weeks ago hanging with my bud P. This kid is brilliant – I'm crazy about him. He's just so good-natured and complimentary and low-maintenance and drama-free. Anyway, we were having a gay old time sitting on a couple stools at the corner of the bar closest to the door.
So while we're talking this WASTED guy somewhere in his late 40's walks up behind P. And he leans in really close. Like, his face is about two inches from the back of P.'s head. I know it sounds strange, but we weren't particularly concerned about it. I mean, if you've ever been in a gay bar I'm sure you've seen far stranger things than that. But then the guy started mumbling shit in a really low voice. And after about the third or fourth thing he mumbled, P. kind of turned his head to the side to see what the guy wanted. At that point the guy wandered off and we went on with our conversation.

Then about two minutes later a guy who used to live in my last apartment building came up to us with a disgusted look on his face. He was like, "Hey guys – you might want to move. That guy just peed all over the place." We look down and there's a LAKE of urine around our stools. We freaked out and had to take a mini-jump from our stools to avoid the pee. Turns out the guy had walked up behind P., whipped out his cock, taken a huge leak, and then just drunkenly stumbled away.
Apparently, he did get escorted out soon after. I didn't see that happen.
And fortunately since we were up on stools no pee got on P.

But…isn't that crazy? Water sports in a crowded bar? Now that's a first for me.

the weekend, vol.4

2006-03-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday my big plan was to go lie in the park and get some sun, but even though it looked really nice and sunny outside it was all a big scam because once I stepped outside I realized the wind was about 82 m.p.h. and it was colder than a witch's tit. So what did I do? I just drove and drove, of course! I drove over to the University of Denver and past the first apartment I lived in - which was a total nightmare shithole. I got the strangest feeling looking up at the sad little second-story window that looks out from the shower over the dirty alley, remembering what my life was like six years ago when I lived there in that nightmare shithole where I was horribly homesick every day for at least a year and wanted to kill myself at least once or twice a week from grad school overload.

(A quick aside: Why people ever think it's a good idea to put a window in the shower I have no idea. I've had two apartments like that here in Denver. Maybe I'm a prude, but I don't want windows anywhere NEAR my shower. I'm sorry, but I'm a lady and a lady just keeps certain things to herself. Ha – unless it's late at night in the backroom of a gay bar!)

I was going to go to the Wrangler beer bust around 4:30, but when I drove by and saw approximately 742 thirsty fags standing in line I said fuck it and went to JR's instead. Things were much calmer there and I was able to get my drink on in the way god intended. Plus the all-you-can-drink glass is $2 cheaper.
The only negative part of the afternoon was shot time. Larry was giving out shots right and left, but they were Depth Chargers – extra-heavy on the Jager. HARF!!
I turned down the first couple he tried to shove into my face, but I was eventually shamed into doing them by everyone around me calling me a pussy.
I seriously felt like I was going to instantly puke. I could not get that taste out of my mouth.
I can still vaguely feel the evil in my body.
And, hence, Jager has moved up a spot on my enemies list.
I was back home by 8:00 and my tentative plan was to get to bed nice and early, but instead I ended up inviting my new Wrangler make-out buddy to come over and play.
So…yada, yada, yada – let's just say I was REALLY tired on Monday. But in a content, post-sex kind of way.

The end.

the weekend, vol.3

2006-03-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday was beautiful here in Denver. Just a gorgeous, gorgeous spring day.

I, of course, was out and about running errands in my fabulous car (HELLO SuperTarget!). I just drove and drove. Happy as a clam. Then I went to the gym, and it was so nice because I had the whole place to myself. Lately that gym has been fucking psycho with everyone trying to get rid of their love handles before summer arrives. But I guess on Saturday everyone was out enjoying the sunshine and getting natural exercise instead of being cooped up in the gym.

That night was L.'s engagement party at the Mercury Café. Very swanky. They had the whole upper floor decked out with food, booze, DJ, etc. I enjoyed a couple glasses of champagne, got to meet some of the people I'll be traveling to the Bahamas with in May, and I even busted out my emergency cigarette from my glove compartment...just because it was such a special occasion.
L.'s fiancee and I had an interesting discussion about the type of alcohol that makes us fucking crazy. His is white wine. Mine is definitely champagne. I'm not talking just a glass or two, but any more than that and I'm completely uninhibited.
I go loco and behave much like hotbabe does after drinking Jag.

Then I had to stop by the Atomic Cowboy for yet ANOTHER birthday. I also swung by JR's but I was feeling pretty wiped so I actually went home way before bar close and sat on my couch like a zombie and watched Roseanne.
God - sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore…

2006-03-29T11:59:00.001-07:00

The birthday boy and yours truly...

2006-03-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

Getting down with the birthday boy's sisters...

2006-03-29T11:58:00.000-07:00

Sharing an extra-special birthday hug...

the weekend, vol.2

2006-03-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

Friday night was the prom-themed birthday party, and I had a blast. A lot of the people who were there are my oldest friends here in Denver.

I only knew one guy when I moved here in 1999 and he introduced me to all his buds who are still my good friends to this day. I don't get to see them as often as I'd like to (because they're all getting married and procreating and such), but when I do it almost feels like a high school reunion – except I actually like these people and they haven't gotten all depressed and ugly-looking.
I'll post a picture from the party as soon as I get them downloaded.
I thought I looked pretty fucking swanky in my cream-colored dinner jacket and various accoutrements.
The only drawback to the party was that there were a lot of little kids there. Like, a LOT. That bugged me a little since I don't really care much for children. I felt like I had to watch my language, even though they were blasting songs like "Erotic City" and that one slutty Pussycat Girls song – oh wait, I guess that really doesn't differentiate the tune since all their songs are slutty.
So if that won't warp their minds I guess me dropping an F-bomb or two won't either.
I am definitely a little evil, though, because at one point I went downstairs to get my camera and a five or six-year-old was sitting down there watching a movie in her PJs and she was hysterically crying for her mom for no apparent reason (like, I could see no bumps on her head or kidnappers anywhere in sight) and I told her I'd go get her mom, but when I got upstairs her mom was WAY over on the other side of the party with about a thousand people in between us so I just decided to forget it because I was already standing right by the booze. I mean, the kid has got legs right? If she wants her damn mom she should find her herself. Builds character.

Around 11:00 I ran home to change because I was supposed to meet another birthday party at Boyztown – this skeezy male strip club on Broadway. I never found the people I was supposed to meet, but I did drop a few bills just for the hell of it. Strippers rule.

THEN for some reason I still don't quite understand I decided to stop by the Wrangler for a nightcap. At about 1:30 I went to the backroom bathroom to take a leak. And there were two guys on the other side of the trough playing with themselves. Just playing and playing and playing and having a surly, gay old time. One was all burly and had a big moustache and a black cap and some sort of leather strappy-thing over his hairy chest. The other was a bit more normal, run-of-the-mill looking.
I ended up making out with the run-of-the-mill one.
A little sketchy? I know. But it just randomly happened.
However, I was a gentleman and left by myself, even though I could have most certainly gotten laid.
So please don't judge me too harshly for my unintentional bathroom-cruising.

the weekend, vol.1

2006-03-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

* In the interest of taking others' advice (and not simply sticking to my stubborn ways like usual) I have written a big huge post about my weekend that I have subsequently divided up into four bite-sized sections for smoother literary digestion.
So enjoy - you short-attention-spanned sons of bitches!
Just kidding – love you! Muah! *

Thursday night was cool. I had a good time hanging out with S. It didn't turn out to be a love connection (at least for me), but we're remarkably similar people and I'm sure we'll be good friends. In fact, I've already seen him out and about twice since Thursday night, so I'm very happy that he randomly wrote me on connexions.
Anyway, we went to the Tavern, which was PACKED with jock-type people watching the basketball show - which we couldn't have cared less about - but we somehow managed to find a table way over in the back corner on the patio.
And when I looked around I realized we were sitting right next to my dental hygienist – whom I LOVE. I love my d.h. and I love my dentist. They are the fucking best people ever. They keep my teeth ever-so-sparkly-clean and they've got two of the best personalities I've ever had the pleasure to interact with. And they smell super good.
(I actually have a little gay crush on my dentist. I know she's a woman and has the boobies and the hoo-ha and all that junk, but I can't help it. There's just something about someone so good-looking and nice putting their hands in your mouth – you know?)
So d.h. started buying me tequila shots. Even though I was on a date it was still O.K. to be pounding tequila shots with my d.h. because he matched us shot for shot with Jager.
God I hate Jager.
It's #5 on my enemies list.

back with a vengeance

2006-03-23T13:23:00.000-07:00

OK – it's been far too long since I've whipped up one of my crazy-long, random thoughts posts. So put on your reading glasses, grab a refreshing beverage, settle in and get comfortable!

My thoughts on TV right now:
* I was going to make a concerted effort to watch American Idol this season. Why – I don't know. But it is now apparent to me that it's just way too much work. Is it just me, or is this show on for hours and hours and hours every week? I make it through maybe one or two performances and then I get bored and start wondering what else is on. And it's not like you're able to watch the performances and then get some instant gratification by seeing someone get kicked off. Nope. You have to tune in some other night and watch that douchebag Ryan Seacrest hem and haw and procrastinate for hours before anything happens.
On the other hand, I am in love with Ace. So there's always that.
* I've fallen off watching Desperate Housewives. I still like it, but lately I've been out and about on Sunday nights. And I can always catch Sunday's Sopranos when it repeats on Wednesday. So I have no clue what's going on with that show.
* The Sopranos is back and I couldn't be happier. One of my favorite shows ever. Nuff said.
* Prison Break is back too and yes – I will be watching it every week. Even though I know my I.Q. drops an average of ten to twenty points every time I do. But…Wentworth Miller!
* I'm trying to decide whom to root for on The Amazing Race. I can't help but be drawn to those hot, cocky Florida boys, although they are the antithesis of everything I believe in and stand for. But I like a healthy ego. What can I say?
I think at this point I'm tentatively throwing my support behind the hippies.
* And in a testament to my sad, short attention span, I can barely remember what's up with Survivor because it wasn't on last week. I can say that there are a lot of really good-looking men this season, though. I must also mention that they're doing very well at voting off the dogs and the women. They got rid of the skeleton-woman, the skeleton-astronaut, and, um…who else? I don't know. Other unattractive people.
* Don’t get me wrong – I still like Lost, but… I don't know. I wasn't very enthused about it last night. Maybe it's because there haven't been many new episodes lately? I pray I haven't lost my hard-on for it.

Driving makes me crazy. Absolutely crazy. I can't believe the amount of road rage pouring out of me considering I've only been behind the wheel again for about a month. People in Denver drive like shit. I'm stunned at how inconsiderate people are. And shocked that way more people aren't ending up dead.
At some point I want to write a post about life as a full-time pedestrian. Other than rides from friends, a few cabs here and there, and the Mall Ride I walked everywhere for three years. And my life was regularly in danger from bullshit drivers.
Let me just say one thing. Pedestrians have the right-of-way. All the time. And even if someone is being retarded and is walking where they shouldn't at a moment when they shouldn't just give them the fucking right-of-way. You're in a car for christ's sake. You have heat and/or A/C and tunes and a soft comfy seat and you're probably going to get wherever you're headed a lot faster than the pedestrian. So chill.
And stop fucking running red lights – I can't tell you how many times that was almost the end of me.

I am an e-vite bitch! Honestly, I am getting e-vites right and left. This weekend I'm hitting a prom-themed 30th birthday party (and I've got a wicked-cheesy, tux-like outfit all lined up), but I'm also invited to a pub crawl up Broadway and a going-away party in LoDo. Saturday I'm attending an engagement party at the Mercury Café and I'm also invited to a birthday party at some bar on Colfax.
And that's just this weekend!
Dude.
I tell ya, being popular is so much more fun than being lame and unpopular.
And trust me – I've been both.

I have a "date" tonight. I mean, I think it's a date. I'm not sure, exactly. Some guy randomly wrote me on connexions and introduced himself, and then we bumped into each other on St. Patrick's Day when we were both drunk. Then he asked if I wanted to meet for a drink tonight. And I thought, "Why not?"
What have I got to lose? I'm not sure whether or not there will be any making out. Hopefully at least a little over-the-clothes groping.
He's actually the second guy to ask me out on connexions in the past couple weeks. The other guy is a friend of a friend, but we haven't made any definite plans yet because he's been away on spring break.
Maybe my gay stock is rising. Maybe I won't die alone!

I'm off the coffee again! Phew. What a goddamn bitch-monkey. I'm at exactly six days. I really don't think there's anything particularly wrong with drinking coffee, but when you feel like you have to have it every day by 9 a.m. or else your world will come crashing down and you may slash a coworker's throat, you may have a bit of a problem. So instead I'm trying to get a good-night's sleep as often as possible, I'm hitting the Emer'gen-C (which I LOVE and drink regularly anyway) and the green tea, and I'm checking my attitude. That's right suckers. Attitude check! I try not to get so incredibly angry when coworkers think I'm interested in hearing about their mortgage payment for their bullshit house in the suburbs or their weekend shenanigans involving a 40-something straight woman, too much alcohol, and a late-night makeout session out in the suburbs.
*yawn* Coffee really makes everything better.

Hmm – just a random tip here:
When you see an acquaintance at a party who you haven't seen in about eight to nine months, who is now busting-out pregnant, don't say, "Oh my god – either you've gotten really, really fat or I need to congratulate you!" I don't know what possessed me to say that. I was stoned at the time, but come ON. Everyone in the kitchen turned and looked at me like I'd just taken a huge shit on the table right next to the cous cous.
And then later I referred to her and her husband as breeders, which she seemed to find somewhat amusing, but not so much her husband.
I'm sorry - pregnant people make me nervous.

I've been thinking about whitening my teeth. You know, because I'm such a perfect angel now who doesn't smoke and doesn't drink coffee.
Crest Whitestripes? Has anyone used them? They just seem so damn expensive.

So…I've bumped into a couple people who I've never told about my blog who have randomly found it. Because, seriously, I tell NO ONE about it. Two of my friends here in Denver know about it, and my friends in Minneapolis, and some cool people scattered across the U.S. who are nice enough to leave comments and link to me – but that's it.
Yesterday I stopped by the little market by my apartment complex and when I walked out there were two ladies having a smoke across the street and one waved at me. And I'm pretty sure I've never seen her before in my life. And now I'm convinced she knew me from my blog. Which is hot, but also weirds me out a little bit. Because I'm a freak and no stranger should be subjected to my rambling thoughts.
I'm sure I'm just being paranoid...
But if I'm right, hello mystery lady! Sorry I gave you that "who the fuck are you??" look.

OK – I still have much more to write about, including my thoughts about buying a condo, that poor barista at the 6th & Broadway Starbucks with the two horrendous black eyes, my Wednesday night at JR's for drag queen B-I-N-G-O (which I won!), how I have SIX different kinds of lip balm in my bag right now (i.e. my lip balm addiction problem), my suspicions and concerns about the possibility of someone jizzing in the hand soap dispenser in the men's room at work, and my new ultra-healthy diet, but I fear I may have pushed your patience too far as it is.
If you made it all the way through this post – congratulations! I owe you a shot!

no title

2006-03-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get up the enthusiasm to write a blog entry for the past couple of weeks. Every time I start one it just sounds lame and unnecessary to me and I end up trashing it.

I think I'm trying to figure out why I'm keeping this blog in the first place. And why in the world people would be entertained by it.

Is it an ego thing, where I can talk up the fun experiences I've had, the hot guys I've felt up, the sweet clothes I've bought?
Or maybe it's a way for my friends to keep up with my day-to-day life? I am, after all, a guy who is loath to pick up a phone on even a semi-regular basis.
A lot of the time I think I simply like having a blog because it gives me the opportunity to do some creative writing, which had come to a screeching halt after the one-two punch of college and grad school.
Or perhaps I just think I'm HILARIOUSLY funny and I owe it to the world to share my precious gift.
Yeah, that's it.

I don't know.
Maybe I'm just not in the mood right now to talk about my crazy Saturday night at Tracks, or how I've developed a rather unfortunate and undeniable crush on one of my best friend's boyfriend, or how pleased I am with The Amazing Race and Survivor this season, or how much I'm digging the new Weezer and LL Cool J videos, or how I'm helplessly addicted to Nip/Tuck season two on DVD and the totally shaggable doctors and the too-pretty-to-exist son Matt, or how excited I am to see the season premiere of The Sopranos tonight.

I don't know.
I'll probably be back to normal by next week.
Probably.

don't sass the money lady

2006-03-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm crabby today. I'm not going to lie to you.
I worked out really hard last night and I'm super sore. Then I went out and drank cheap beer and stayed out too late. Then I woke up at 5:00 a.m. and had to pee like a son of a bitch (AND had to deal with the "attempt to piss through a raging hard-on," which is really hard and frustrating in the middle of the night) and didn't really get back to a deep sleep afterward.
Plus it's been a long week and I just don't feel like fucking working today.

So I decided to go get some greasy, fattening bacon/egg/cheese biscuit action for breakfast to make me feel better. And the second I got back to the office my firm's accountant was waiting at my desk and was all, "What did you get there? Why didn't you tell me you were going? Where did you go? Why didn't you get me something? Why? Why?? Why???" and on and on and ON.

So I muttered, "Because I'm not your damn slave" in an extremely unfriendly tone and turned my back on her.
Which was an unfortunate decision because immediately after my rude reply she informed me that on last week's timesheet for President's Day I put eight hours in my paid time off space instead of the holiday space.
And she's the only one who can fix it so I don't lose a full day of paid time off.

I am not in the mood to apologize and kiss ass right now.

the direct correlation between bowling success and cuervo

2006-03-02T09:56:00.000-07:00

Last night after work I went to Lucky Strike Lanes at the Pavilions for the Antron/Benjamin Moore charity bowling event.
And I stunk up the joint real good.
My firm had a bowling party a few months back where I hit (what I believe was) an all-time high score for me of 156. So of course last night I walked into that bowling party like the cockiest son-of-a-bitch you've ever seen.
And then proceeded to bowl an 87. In front of a bunch of people to whom I'd been bragging about my previous score.

So, having no other obvious option I started hitting the tequila shots.
And the next thing I knew I got four strikes in a row.
Final score: 134. Not too shabby.

Bowling is fun.
But please don't attempt it without a shot or two of our old friend Jose.

That is all.

2006-03-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

Four strikes in a row baby!

oh those crazy boys!

2006-03-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

The past week has been a big huge bust when it comes to men. I've ended up being quite disappointed in almost everyone, although I'm not sure exactly why I even get my hopes up at all anymore.

First I stopped by JR's on Friday night and everyone I knew was TANKED. Actually, they're probably all usually pretty tanked, but I came to the sudden realization that being at JR's isn't nearly as fun when you're sober. And boys drunkenly sticking their tongues in your ear just isn't quite the same either. In fact, it's kind of gross and awkward.
I was supposed to meet this hot Hispanic boy I know at Tracks to do Ecstasy on Saturday night, but the guy who supplies all the tweaky little gay boys with their drugs didn't show up, so hot boy just wanted to stand in the corner and sulk the whole night.
I mean, I like drugs as much as the next addict, but get over it dude!
So then I saw this cutie I've been talking to a bit here and there for the past couple months. We started dancing and in less than 15 seconds I realized two things: he was wasted and he couldn't dance for shit. Seriously – he looked like a kid in junior high dancing. And he could barely focus his eyes on me.
Then my stalker found me. Those who keep up on my blog will remember him from last fall. The guy who wouldn't leave me alone and shaved his head because I had shaved my head. He's about 2-3 inches taller than me so he always looks down on me in this creepy way. And won't leave me the fuck alone. So that was intense and disturbing.
The one thing that made me happy was bumping into the guy I used to date who's now living out in the suburbs all happily coupled up and shit. He was really sweet and fed my ego by telling me how cute I am and how smart I am and how nice I am and so on. I really need to start spending more time with him.

At Monday's staff meeting our Managing Principal asked all the single guys to raise their hands. I immediately thought "Oh shit" and a light sweat broke out on my brow.
Cuz I totally love being singled out as single in a room full of married people.
It turns out that the producers of The Bachelor contacted my firm looking for a hot architect to be their next bachelor.
Three guys raised their hands – me, the new guy who's gay, and another new guy who is somewhere in his 50's and (I can only assume) gay too. Every other guy is married.

**sidenote**
Lame. I really need a new job with single people. Coupled people are starting to freak me out.

Unfortunately, I don't have 1% body fat, I'm not rich, I'm not devastatingly good-looking (although I'm not a disgusting pig man or anything like that – just more boy-next-door cute), I'm not an architect, I don't shave every trace of hair off my body, and I like sexing up men so I suspect I'm not even remotely close to what they're looking for.
But the funny part is that the younger new guy submitted his info this morning. Is he trying to take down The Bachelor from the inside or something?
Wouldn't that be brilliant? You get selected, go through all that bullshit with all those desperate bitches, clean up on lots of free champagne and hot tubs and helicopter rides, then at the final rose ceremony have your boyfriend walk in and go down on him.
Yeah. I'd watch that. That's just good TV.

Monday after happy hour with the ladies (HI G. AND L.!!) at Double Daughters I went to meet a friend at this SHITHOLE on Broadway and Alameda.
Seriously, while I was standing there at the bar a urinal in the men's room overflowed and by the time I noticed I was standing in an inch of toilet water.
B. and I were flirting with this hottie who was there with his ugly girlfriend (who has scarlet fever - really). Apparently he's bi and always drags his poor ugly sick girlfriend to the gay bar so he can flirt with boys. He's all hot and tattooed and muscular and masculine, yet has a sensitive side - yum! He kept staring at us and told me I was hot, but that's just a little too skanky, even for MY taste.
Good times...

Last night I went to JR's to celebrate Fat Tuesday and I found a guy I liked a lot. He was really cute and sweet and it was his birthday (his 23rd – FUCK I'm old). We did some shots and started talking and then after about a half hour I found out he's dating Country Mouse. That's this guy I've known for years who thinks he owns JR's. Total douche bag. He worked at the same company with one of my ex-boyfriends. When we went to one of their company parties back in 2004 he was all pissy that I was there, being more handsome and charming than him – I can only assume. And he wore this lame red and black-checkered flannel shirt.
Stupid Country Mouse. I put my drinks on his tab. Heh heh.

Ooh – and on a completely separate happy note, The Amazing Race is back on.
The good old regular race without crying kids and perfectly happy families being destroyed and all that.
I love how everything is so stereotyped – the hippies, the gays, the glamazons, etc.
And it started in Denver out at Red Rocks! I love seeing my city on TV. I'm really proud of how beautiful it is, especially looking out from downtown towards Red Rocks with the mountains in the background. I had to laugh at how hard everyone was puffing running up the steps at Red Rocks. Denver really can be a bitch when it comes to altitude, but I can't remember how many times I've had to run up and down those stairs for beer at a concert. That's right – they make you walk all the way to the top. Probably to try to sober you up, or at least weed out the really wasted people who will trip and roll drunkenly down the steps.

I'm a little bummed because I went out and bought a new Razr cell phone last weekend in the desperate hope that it would somehow magically make TMobile service work in my apartment. Which it didn't. So I took it back this morning. Now I have to use my lame, shitty free phone again.
And now I have to go find a new service provider. And I'm lazy so that sucks.

Peace out!

eh? what's all that noise sonny??

2006-02-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

The first four songs I listened to in my new car:

1. "Boys Keep Swinging" – David Bowie
2. "Crazy in Love" – Beyonce
3. "Coffee and TV" – Blur
4. "Got the Life" – Korn

I think all four of these songs kick ass, but perhaps my musical tastes need to be updated a bit before I permanently turn into a 65-year-old who firmly believes that all music released after 1960 is just too darn loud and filthy.

If you were to advise me to go out and buy one new, happenin', sweet CD that I can no longer live without what would it be?

2006-02-23T15:23:00.000-07:00

Is it totally egotistical to be overly proud that your niece is brilliant and cute as a button and sweet and has the nicest disposition you've ever seen in a little kid? It's not as if I had anything to do with it. And it's not as if I'd take any of the blame if she were dumb and ugly and mean and was a monkey baby.
OK - I promise I'll stop talking about Hailey now!
PS - This picture kind of makes me look like I have big guns - which I don't! Nice.

this n' that

2006-02-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

A week of random thoughts collected for your reading pleasure…or general disinterest!

I'm back from a long weekend in South Dakota, and let me tell ya – it was cold as fuck there. I knew it was a bad sign when it was only about one degree in Denver on Friday when I was flying out. If Denver is that cold the heartland is bound to be intolerable. I think it was about fifty below windshield in S.D. Fuck me gently with an ice auger!
Still, the whole point of me flying home was to drive back in my spiffy new Toyota Camry (no, it's not technically BRAND NEW – but it's new to me!!). And I did. And now I have a car! Zweeeeee!
By Tuesday I'd already been to SuperTarget, my friend's house (who lives across town) and JR's. Last night I hit the grocery store, tonight the bar, Friday night I'm driving out to G.'s boyfriend place for dinner, and then Tracks on Saturday night.
I'm so happy I'm crying a little bit. And peeing a little bit. Heh heh.

I love my car. While I expect that it will improve my socialization in the usual places (i.e. gay bars), I'm also hoping it will help me get out to places with a bit more innocent social interaction. It seems like every few months or so I get fed up with trying to meet someone genuine at the gay bars and start considering other alternatives.
I think I'm past my online and phone-hookup days. Besides, those always only lead to sex – which is A-OK – but I'm in a boyfriend mood right now.
Now that I can drive to grocery stores and SuperTargets and such I suppose that might lead to something.
I don't know. Maybe I'll just wander around the Cherry Creek Mall looking for a rich sugar daddy.

When I was in junior high, my band teacher told us that eating an apple is like brushing your teeth for five minutes. I always believed it because my teeth feel so sparkly clean after eating an apple. And because she was an authority figure.
Yesterday I was at the dentist for a cleaning/checkup and I asked my hygienist if that is true and she laughed at me. I felt like a fool. A goddamn fool!!!
Argh – another instance of being lied to at catholic school. Bastards!

I need a haircut RIGHT NOW. Bad. I look and feel like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.
"WHYYYYYYY? WHHHHHYYYYYYY??? I JUST WISH I COULD UNDERSTAND!!!"
I'm getting one tomorrow after work for sure.

My ex-boyfriend gave the best massages I've ever had. I used to moan like a dying wild animal when he worked me over. I think between the road trip and working out a bit too zealously on Tuesday I have cramped up my shoulders beyond belief. I'm trying to figure out the best way to coerce a post-breakup massage from him. Is offering sexual favors too cheesy or inappropriate?
I mean, who's going to turn down a blowjob?
Right…?

As I mentioned last week my niece is awesome. But now she's remarkably self-aware and quite the little diva. At one point her pants were pulled up really high and I called her "Urkel" and somehow she knew what that meant and ran out of the room upset and crying. This kid is only three for christ's sake! So I had to chase her down and apologize and pretend to hurt myself to make her laugh.
Damn you Urkel! Now you've annoyed two generations of sweet helpless children!

I had a strange moment driving to Aberdeen from Pierre with my parents. My mom has this CD with a bunch of random female artists – it was made to raise money for breast cancer research or something. So she pops it into the CD player and what's the first song that comes on? "I Will Survive" – of course. My mom was like, "Ha – I bet it's been a long time since you've heard this song!" and I thought, "Uh, yeah – as a gay guy I probably haven't heard this song in like, oh, two hours!"
Ah, the awkwardness of not being out to your parents.
Oh, and the CD also had the song "Breakout" from the 80's. That has to be one of the gayest songs ever.
I meant to steal that CD from her but I forgot. Damn.

I've had an orchid here at work for almost two years and it's never bloomed.
I've tried everything – more sun, less sun, fertilizer, no fertilizer, talking to it, giving it the cold shoulder, sweet-talking it, threatening it and abusing it, then backtracking – "Baby, I'm so sorry. I promise I won't ever lay a hand on you again!" – but nothing. I'm even watering it in that special way orchids are supposed to be watered – with lukewarm water running through the woodchips for two minutes once a week – and nada.
It's still alive and green, but there are never any goddamn blooms.
So if any green thumbs out there have any advice for me I'll be forever in your debt.
Otherwise the damn thing is going to end up in the paper shredder in about one week.

2006-02-15T17:24:00.001-07:00

Hailey and the scrapbook she gave me for Xmas.

2006-02-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

Hailey helping to rearrange the TV room.

reasons why my niece is so goddamn special

2006-02-15T17:23:00.000-07:00

1. She says "fookie" instead of cookie. She can pronounce "c's" in other words, just not in cookie. Although I suspect at this point in her life, she may be simply doing it for cuteness' sake.

2. She thinks that my mom's living room is Denver, so she yells, "Matty, let's go to Denver!" and runs as fast as she can to the living room. The couch is the Rocky Mountains. Then she rolls off the side of the couch, pretending she's rolling down a mountain. Then I have to "roll down" too, and then we have to pretend to be knocked unconscious for a couple seconds.

3. I was calling her "nosepicker" when I saw her putting her finger in her nose, forgetting that she's three and now she picks up on everything. After the third time I called her that, she looked at me with the most forlorn expression I've ever seen and said in a sad voice, "Why do you keep being mean to me?" My heart broke.

4. She hates going to bed and can fake-cry in an attempt to get out of it like nobody's business. My last night in town she came out into my sister's living room and fake-sobbed, "It's cold and scary in there!"
When my sister said "That's enough" and picked her up to take her back to bed she looked at me with her eyes full of tears and cried, "Matty, save me!" My heart broke.

5. Blonde hair/blue eyes.

6. She asked me to play her a princess song on my iPod. Luckily, I had some Nutcracker bullshit on there. Not that the Nutcracker is bullshit per se, but did I really need it on my iPod?
Well…apparently it's good thing I did!

7. She was fascinated by my newly-sprouting beard. When I'd hold her, she'd grab my cheeks in her little hands and say, "Are you gonna look like Santa?"

8. Speaking of Santa, my parents had their friend dress up as Santa to stop by on Xmas Eve. When he came in the door and said, "I'm looking for a little girl named Hailey!" she went running right up and said, "I'm Hailey! Me! Me!" And then she hopped right up into his lap without any fear and gave him a big hug and kiss. She's righteous.

9. She tries to share everything with everyone – including the gooey chunk of cheese she's been nursing for about a half hour.

10. She can't keep a secret to save her life. I showed her what I got my mom and sister for Xmas, and later my sister told me I'd made a big mistake. So I immediately tried to backtrack and told her to tell everyone I got grandma "rattlesnakes." For the rest of the weekend she ran around giggling and telling everyone that grandma was getting rattlesnakes. She did, however, announce to the family at Xmas Eve dinner that Lindsey was getting books. Oh well. At least she didn't say WHICH books.

11. We invented a strange game that we played for almost an hour on Xmas Day where we'd go "WHAAAAAA" at the top of our lungs in our most annoying voices and then both yell "DON'T!" at the same time to each other over and over and over until my mom was at her absolute wits end and complained that she was getting a migraine. LOVE that game.
WHAAAAAA! DON'T!

12. Because of how happy she's made my sister, mom and dad. And how fun she's made every day of our lives we get to spend with her.

13. Today she sent me (via my sister) this e-mail message:
"Hi Uncle Mattie! Hello. I like your kitty. I love you. I'm sick today so I stay home with mommy. Have fun at work. Miss you."

Being an uncle is the best job in the world.

And I'm super stoked because I get to see Hailey in two days!

what's feb. 14th again?

2006-02-14T12:02:00.000-07:00

I hate confrontation. I can't stand having anyone dislike me, or even worse - having them know that I dislike them. I figure I'm just a people-pleaser through and through. Some would say spineless – I call it overly sensitive.

Of course, I'm just evil enough that I'm not above being two-faced and bitching about people behind their backs. I just don't want them to ever find out.
So when the annoying douche bag who moved here from Florida a few months ago stumbled up to me on Saturday night and went off on his little drunken, slurry tirade I was somewhat thrown.
"Hey Matt – I know YOU'LL be happy to know that I won't be around much longer. Maybe you're not a big fan of me, but you know what? Huh?? I don't care! That's right. I don't care if you like me. So screw you!"
If I hadn't been drunk too I might have tried to deny the fact that I don't like him. But I was pretty wasted so I just shrugged my shoulders and grimaced.
But after a couple of minutes I realized I couldn't stop thinking about it. I mean, he's not evil or anything. He's just got horrible breath, absolutely no fashion sense, and is about as interesting to talk to as a bag of rocks. Either someone told him that I didn't like him or I was being totally obvious about it. And I started to feel really bad about the situation.
Then Sunday night B. told me that Florida has been going around telling people that I came on to him and begged him to hook up with me.
That's it. I'm punching him in the neck if I ever see him again.
Gawd. Gross! As if my reputation isn't fucked up enough already.

The rest of my weekend was full of gay fun:

Sunday night I was at JR's drinking a few beers and hanging out with some recent acquaintances. I picked out the boy that I thought was the absolute cutest in the bar. He was kind of frat-boy'ish. Then my ex-boyfriend showed up and introduced me to the cute frat boy. They're dating. The table erupted in laughter. Cute boy looked confused. Confused, but still as cute as a button.
Lucky goddamn ex-boyfriend.

One of the guys who was there works at the downtown Gap. He told me they're having a $2 sale on those boxer-briefs I love! I told him I would come in this week to buy some – however, I'm a little reluctant to go in because I took a boy home from that same Gap two weekends ago. He was pretty good in bed, but was also one of those you can't get to leave. It was about 2:00 a.m. and I had to be up at 7:00 a.m. for a Saturday morning staff retreat so I had to pretty much kick him out. Now I don't want to go to the Gap because I'll most likely see him and get crusty looks from him.
Which is totally pissing me off because I love the Gap. And I want new undies.

Saturday afternoon I watched Can't Buy Me Love and Sunday afternoon I watched Trick. Gay.

The two CD's I'm obsessively listening to over and over and over are "Confessions on a Dance Floor" and "Breakaway." Double gay.

The best news of the weekend: The hot, hot, HOT guy I've mentioned a couple times on this blog (works in the building next to me, the one I was too nervous to talk to at a party a few months ago) was at the bar on Saturday night and came up to me and said, "I've met you before, haven't I? It's good to see you!" and gave me a big sexy hug. Even though we've never actually talked.
I was all, "Bah?? Gah!! Doi…" because I was wasted.
One little tip from Rehab Matt: If you're not drinking during the week, it is unwise to believe you can go out on the weekend and drink as much as you used to. You will lose track of time and space and hit on anything within your blurry radar. ANYTHING.
So now I'm determined to "casually" bump into him during the lunch hour. While I'm sober and charming. And then HE WILL fall in love with me and we'll have beautiful babies!
Yeah!

Oh – and Happy Valentine's Day to all! I'm very happy for all of you who are in love on this special day.
I am perfectly O.K. being single – I just wish I had some guaranteed sex…and maybe a box of chocolates or candy message hearts.
But hey – I can always buy my own chocolates, and I did just wash my sheets on Sunday so messing them up now would just be a pain in the ass.
Me not having sex is actually helping to save the environment! Yeah...
I did see something on AC 360 last night that said (and I'm approximating these figures using my poor, drug-ravaged brain) only like 15% of singles are sad about being single and over 40% are perfectly happy being single and don't even want to be coupled up. I'm not sure what the deal is with the other 45%. Maybe that's the category for asexuals and those who dismember hookers and one-night-stands and keep the mummified bits on rocking chairs in their cellars?

XXOO!!!

the magnetic attraction between old ladies and my crotch

2006-02-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

This morning on my way to work I had no less than three – THREE – late 50s- to 60-something women nestle themselves into my groin on the mall ride. Honestly – they really made themselves at home - got all cozy and warm, made frightening little purring sounds, etc.
I kept coughing into the hair of the first one (her head was roughly two inches from my face), hoping she would be disgusted and move away, but that didn't phase her at all. She smelled like my grandma used to. *shudder*
After she exited and her friend assumed the spooning position with me I tried shoving my messenger bag into her back, really trying to jab her with the sharp bits. But she loved the abuse.
By the time she exited and ANOTHER lonely woman stepped in to take her place I realized I had no choice but to go with the flow. So I bumped and grinded her saggy, flower skirt-covered ass until her post-menopausal needs were satisfied. When I do a job, I do it right.

Yep – you can now just think of me as an American gigolo for the blue-haired set. If your grandma is feeling a little lonely, have her give me a call....

happy, happy

2006-02-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd try to come up with a little happy post since I've been so crabby and *screechy cat sound* lately.

So let's focus on the brighter side of life!

Well, I may still be poor, but I'm definitely going to make it until next Tuesday (payday) without starving. I've been really good about not spending money for the last week. Friday night I convinced just about every boy I saw to buy a drink for me and then Saturday night I went to a party, thereby avoiding the need to spend money at all except for the bottle of wine I brought with me. Then I stayed in Sunday night and last night. Monday night I went out for a while, but only bought one gin martini.

Speaking of that, the date on Monday night went well. It was interesting to confront the situation in a sober manner, because we were only about two zippers away from getting it on two weekends ago, but after we sat and talked for a few hours I decided it would be better if we were just friends. I mean, I still think he's kind of cute, but it appears that he's serious relationship guy and I like to take things sloooooooooow.
Wait – throw five more o's in there. Better.
Plus he's got breath issues. Breath is very important to me. And if he can't be bothered to step it up for a date, what's he gonna be like in everyday life?

I think the cute guy with the hot shaved head from my building who I always see walking his dogs likes me. He just keeps giving me these sly smiles, and then when I turn around to check out his ass he's sometimes turning around to check out my ass too!
Pluses: He's cute with a hot shaved head and a great ass.
Minuses: He has multiple dogs. Bleh.

I finally got back to the gym last night! It had been almost two weeks, and besides starting to feel like a huge heifer, lack of exercise was really starting to affect my mood. So I did an hour of cardio and some weights and slept like a baby last night! It will definitely be a while before I take a good night's sleep for granted again.
Please allow me one small negative thought here – the New Year's resolution people. I hate them. I know they're only going to be around clogging up the gym for a few more weeks before they give up and go away until next January, but jesus h. christ!

I have my second interview for my potential new job tomorrow morning! Granted, it is at 7:00 a.m., but they're just trying to be accommodating to my current job responsibilities. I appreciate that, but it's so damn hard to be witty and charming and smart at that hour of the day. I'm sure I'll manage somehow.

Survivor starts tomorrow night!

We're only two weeks away from me getting my car! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm currently insurance-shopping.

Last night while digging through a drawer looking for a calculator to do my taxes I found a $30 Pottery Barn gift card I forgot I had. So when I have my car I can drive to one and spend it!
I can't believe I'm going to be able to drive wherever I damn well please in less than three weeks.

date night

2006-01-30T16:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight is date night, and I'm ever-so-excited!

I love the anticipation of getting to spend time with a cute boy.

I met this boy a couple months ago. I LOVE Hispanic men, and there's this group of Hispanic guys I know who I always lust after. Well, this boy is friends with them and the night I met him we just couldn't stop staring at each other, and then he told me he's really into hands, and that he loved mine. Nice compliment.
Then two Fridays ago when I was completely blitzed on champagne we ended up making out at the bar, then he drove me home and we had a mad groping session right in front of my building (in front of god-knows-who – ugh, embarrassing).
Ahh – liquor and lack of self-restraint. Where would my love life be without it?

Because of the strep last week I had to cancel our date. Then when I was feeling all blue and depressed late on Saturday night I sent him a text saying that I was lonely and that he should come over. I didn't get a response from him until last night around 8:30 saying he could come over to ease my loneliness. But that was approximately 18 hours after I had originally sent the text.
So now I'm wondering whether culture/language could actually be a serious impediment in a relationship with him. I mean, I enjoy witty and biting banter and it's kind of hard to do that with someone who speaks English as a second language.
On the other hand, I quite enjoy English through a heavy Hispanic accent. It's so damn hot and sexy.

I feel a little bit like a bad, slutty kind of date because when we talked last week he said that he'd rather not go to a bar, but do something else like get coffee (?) or go to the theatre (??) and all I could think was "Huh?" I'm not saying I have to go out and get wasted on a date – I really think that's tacky and unnecessary - and I'm definitely against going to a gay bar on a first date, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a drink or two to ease the bit of awkwardness on a first date. Especially when you've already made out with the guy and felt his package through his jeans.

Is my interpretation of this situation totally off? I really don't go on many dates.

But hey - at the very least I get to kiss someone attractive tonight, and that makes me happy!

this was supposed to be a quick Sunday post...

2006-01-29T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll. I've been a bit of a downer the past couple weeks, what with feeling like I was on the verge of death and not being able to sleep at night and all. Sorry about that. I'm a bit of a baby when it comes to being sick.
By Friday I'd about had it. I couldn't fall asleep until well after 3:00 a.m. and my alarm was set for 5:30 a.m. because I had a 7:00 interview. I thought I was going to have to kill myself.
Friday night I decided after not getting more than 2-3 hours of sleep a night for five nights in a row and having tried all the "logical" solutions that it was time to try the irresponsible way. So I went out on Friday night and drank like there was no tomorrow. I started with three beers at my house, then went to the bar and had four – yes four – tequila shots, a red-headed slut, and more Bud Lights than I can count. And then when my friends dropped me off at home at 2:00 a.m. I walked in my door, did another shot of tequila, cracked another beer, and smoked the hugest bowl ever. Then I sat down on my couch and watched a little Roseanne, then put in some porn, banged out a quick self-abuse session (cuz I always feel like taking a long nap after doing that) and FUCKING PASSED OUT!
And it was beautiful. I briefly opened my eyes and looked at the clock at about 7:30 a.m., but then immediately passed out again and didn't get out of bed until well after noon. Then after running a few errands I took a two-hour nap. So I think I may be at the point where I can be a functioning member of society again. Yay!
Strep throat and bronchitis and junk sucks.

Last night I went to a party at the house of a guy I briefly dated about three years ago. The romantic thing never really took off between us, but we were pretty good buds for quite a while there. We did have sex one Pride Weekend, but mainly because we were both blasted and giddy on gay pride. Anyway, he's got a great partner now and they live in this adorable house out in the goddamn fucking suburbs with beautiful shiny appliances and a big, huge T.V. and a grand piano and two teeny, tiny cutie dogs named Annie and Jellybean or some shit like that.
Yeah – I know, I felt like gagging at first too, but then I had about six glasses of wine and started to feel really happy for him. Which was soon followed by a feeling of sadness and sense of time lost on my part. When I got home I sat there on my couch and fretted over where the past three years have gone. It literally seems like I was fucking him, like, two seconds ago and now he's Mr. Domestic and I'm still as single and messed up as ever.
It's starting to feel like I'm going to be 40 any minute now and that's freaking scary.

I miss the complacency of my 20's and they only ended seven months ago! Christ.

However, on the bright side, I had the most excellent job interview on Friday (despite being Zombie Matt). I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much at this stage, but I would be doing marketing for another architecture firm, except making more money and getting to run the show. All the potential responsibility actually scares the shit out of me, but that's good. My work life needs a serious shot in the arm.

All right. I'm off to run some errands in the 100-m.p.h. Denver winds.
I'll make a serious effort to catch up on everyone's blogs this week, I swear!

hate & love

2006-01-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

Let's start with hate this week shall we, since the universe is apparently shitting on me right now.

Things I'm hating right now:

1. Seeing someone I had a hot, ravenous afternoon sex session with not even two years ago and having him act like he doesn't know me from Adam. PU-LEAZE!
As if you could forget this junk! Heh heh. WUFF!

2. An empty bank account. I will be surviving on Lipton Noodles and interiors vendors' free breakfast pastries for the next two weeks.

3. Fat Actress. I love, love, love Kirstie Alley and was SO excited to watch this show on DVD.
It sucked ass. And not in that good way.
Even being drunk and stoned couldn't help make it tolerable.
For shame K.A. For shame!

4. How big of a drama queen I turn into when I get drunk. Christ – I think I may have alienated my 21-year-old makeout crush on Saturday night just because he didn't come up to me immediately when he got to the bar to say hi. Calm down Matty….

5. The bird flu (a.k.a. a flu pandemic). I saw extensive stories on it on both Oprah and 360 yesterday and now I'm convinced we're all fucked. And the people at greatest risk for death are those 20-40-years-old. Yep. Your own immune system ends up killing you. Great.

6. And the biggest thing I'm hating: A mere four days after being diagnosed with bronchitis I was back at the doctor yesterday getting diagnosed with strep throat. I woke up in the middle of the night on Monday night/Tuesday morning and literally could not swallow (insert obvious joke here). My doctor is a little mystified as to how one comes down with strep throat while already on antibiotics for bronchitis, but what can I say? I'm an enigma.
And I kiss too many boys.
Ouchie – my throat hurts!
*quiet sobbing*
And I was supposed to have a date with one of my crushes last night but had to back out for obvious reasons. Not cool!

Things I'm loving right now:

1. Mary J. Blige's new song "Be Without You" – the Moto/Blanco edit. You can hear it on gaydar.com. It's a much more upbeat and groovy version than what plays on MTV. Can this lady do no wrong?

2. Antibiotics. I'd be dead right now without them. Period.

3. Stacy Keibler (from Dancing with the Stars) – Is she not the most exquisite wrestler you've ever seen? I can't believe that smokin' hot babe is a wrestler! I'd have sex with her!

4. Orbit sweetmint gum. It's the shiz!

5. Boys, boys, boys!! Not to get all wacky spacey on ya'll, but my horoscope did say this was my year for love, and I'm currently in love with three guys. The question is whether any of them are in love with me. (ps – I realize I am using the term "love" loosely. Chill.)

6. Saturday brunch and mimosas and gossip with my best gal pal.

7. Champagne. I had about ten glasses on Friday night and thought I was the most intelligent, charming, witty guy EVER.

8. The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I was cry-laughing during the chest waxing scene.

9. Steve Carell. I'd do him in a heartbeat.

10. That the new guy in my office is gay. I had my suspicions, and they were confirmed on Friday night (no, not confirmed THAT way – we just had a drunken conversation at the Denver Art Museum benefit). I'm no longer the only gay in the village!

11. That I got to watch Days yesterday! Austin and Carrie are back? WTF?? And Bo and Hope's kid got killed? WTF??

people still say cool beans? and the cough that drove me crazy

2006-01-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

One of my coworkers just said "cool beans" to me. Cool beans? Cool beans??
I wasn't aware that people still said that.

And - I have finally been diagnosed by a medical professional! I was up all night coughing, coughing, coughing – ugh. I finally had to prop myself up against the wall and then I finally managed to get a little sleep. First thing when I woke up this morning I made a doctors appointment. Turns out I have bronchitis. Whoopee. So that's what has been wreaking havoc on my life and lungs for over a week now.
Anyway, ya'll will be relieved to know I've had a nebulizer treatment and I'm now on antibiotics and an inhaler and prescription cough medicine.
And I'm leaving work early to get some goddamn sleep.
Yay!
Have a good weekend chums!

i'm going towards the bright light at the end of that long tunnel...

2006-01-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

Good god my life has been dull the past four days.
Somebody, PLEASE tell me that you're doing something fun and exciting out there!! Let me live vicariously through you!
Seriously – I get up, drag my ass to work, do nothing of particular importance or interest, go home, try to do SOMETHING productive like cleaning a little or doing a little writing, I end up vegging in front of the TV, and then I go to bed. I can't even say I've enjoyed a good drunky stumble around the old apartment since I'm trying not to drink during the week in my bad-ass attempt to get in shape.
I did do kind of a half-assed workout on Tuesday night, but my lungs are so thrashed right now that I had to take it very easy. Does anyone else feel emasculated if all they do is walk on the treadmill? I felt like the big buff muscle guys were thinking, "Jesus, what a pussy!" But if I run I may collapse and die!
Now that I think about it, that may lead to a little mouth-to-mouth action from the big buff muscle guys, but oh my – a stroke is a big price to pay just for some first-base action.

I just wrote out a check to my parents for the car and bought my tickets for the Bahamas AND my rent needs to be paid next week so I am 99% broke. Staying home is my only option. NOW is the time that I need a boy to come over to entertain me.

Well, anyway, I already shelled out $$$ last week for the Denver Art Museum benefit tomorrow night. And that's cool because the drinks are free. And it's a dressed-up, classy affair so I'm sure there will be oodles of gay men there. And even if there aren't, by the end of the night I oughta' be fairly plastered off of free martinis and five days of sobriety so I can just get my ass dropped off at the gay bar and maybe find some trouble.

So I literally had one of the scariest nightmares of my life last night. It's really not worth describing, since everyone knows that listening to someone tell a dream story is one of the most excruciating experiences on earth that one can be subjected to - it really should be punishable by death. Plus, talking about a nightmare out loud always removes the razor-sharp edge of horror from the dream, and it always ends up sounding kind of silly and rambling.
But regardless, I was horrified beyond belief and probably mumbling and maybe even screaming a little in my sleep, and it just went on and on and on. And then I woke up in a cold sweat, and when I was finally able to pass out again I went right back into the same nightmare. And now all day I've had this scrunchy feeling leftover from it. One of my friends played a significant part in the dream, and I don't even want to talk to him right now!
I'm certifiable.

I just made the lamest online purchase of my life – vacuum cleaner bags! Hee hee.
I have this old little Dirt Devil pull-around that I use to get the cat hair off my couch and the fuzz bunnies from under my bed and in all the years I've been using it I've never been able to find replacement bags. Well, lo and behold, I found them online! $3.50 for three replacement bags!

Christ.
Seriously - it's beyond sad that the highlights of my week have been buying vacuum cleaner bags and seeing Denver on American Idol and seeing Jack shirtless on Lost.

Someone, PLEASE tell me that you're out doing something thrilling with your life!